Sex Q&A: Break the Bonds That Bind You

Suzanne’s Question:

I’m not sure what to do. I’m married and have two kids. My marriage has been rocky for a couple of years. I have left a couple of times, because of the abuse. There is a man that works with my husband. He has his own business, and he’s worked with us for about eight years. He’s very polite, kind, always has a smile and is very easy to talk to. I’ve never seen him angry or upset about anything, but he has seen my husband angry when things don’t go his way. I have never really paid any attention to my feelings – I’ve always put them on the back burner figuring “Yeah right, who would like me?” I don’t know how or what happened, but something happened. When I would go to town, this man and I would bump into each other. Every time I felt down and wished to see him, he’s there. How can this be?! I’ve lost about thirty pounds. All this time I’ve felt this incredible feeling inside and I thought it might be lust. I don’t know. What should I do?

Liam’s Response:

Greetings, Suzanne. Welcome to the monkey house. It seems to me that you are suffering from a ravenous case of emotional malnourishment. For years, you’ve been denied basic affection and the nurturing vibrations that human beings require for their emotional health and well-being. Humans understand things almost primarily by way of direct contrast: We never quite know what it is to be cold unless we’ve already been hot. In your case, life with an abusive husband who is emotionally oppressive has taken its toll. This man you fancy appears to you to be all the things your husband is not… A soul capable of giving you all the things that are missing in your life. His calm manner and friendly demeanor appeal to your internal desires. In relationships we often seek those who possess attributes that satisfy our most primal emotional needs. There’s no need for you to look for anything more complex than this as an explanation for being drawn to someone. As far as lust goes, I’m quite certain that you are in lust with this man. However, you speak of lust as if it were some trivial thing; some minor ailment without basis in anything substantial. I’m here to tell you that lust lies at the core of creation – of life itself. People who insist that lust is substandard compared to the more “noble” emotion of love are very much mistaken. The separation of the sexual from the mystical is a misguided attempt at control and an enslavement of the senses. I want you to understand why you feel the way you do.

You are a woman subjugated to negative male authority by an archaic vow. Lust is perhaps the only liberator you will ever know, because it can’t be easily contained or subdued by controlling methods, no matter how stifling they might be… It only becomes more twisted and desperate as the suppression continues. It’s okay to desire this man. Nevertheless, please don’t fool yourself into thinking that the two of you are destined to be together in any conventional sense. You are drawn to him by a myriad of interesting factors. Primarily because he is unlike the husband you resent with a passion. The desire for freedom and diversity is always a ferocious drive. However, my dear, it takes so much more to make a lasting relationship. This man can help you wean yourself away from the abusive and restrictive bonds of your husband, but he can serve little more than that. He is a gentleman, and he feels your sorrow. It’s what makes you sexually appealing to him… The archetype of the victimized female. He wants to ease your pain and soothe your wounds and cares. However, that isn’t something that translates into a long-term partnership – once you become strong, you will lose your allure.

My advice for you is to go with it. Allow this passion to flow as it will, knowing it is only for the moment. Don‘t let yourself become dependent on him… Nor on any other man in this lifetime. Look to your own needs. Stop trying to find reasons to leave your marriage, and just leave it. Your husband has not changed, will not change and does not want to change. You’ve left twice due to abuse. Do you really want to risk his violence much further? It’s a very dangerous game, and you’re bound to be the loser if you stay. Get out, and then get yourself some serious counseling to rebuild your self-esteem. Not long from now, you’ll be away from the marriage. Your husband will be gone, your lover will be gone, too, and then it will be time to stand on your own. I know you can do it. Be well.


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