Younus from London, UK asks:
I’m thirty-eight years old, male, and married with two kids, but there is another woman in my life. We met and fell in love on the Internet while I was alone, and away from my family. I lied about my name and identity. At one point, I even told her we’d get married.
Later, when my family joined me, I began to feel bad about all the lies I told my girlfriend. I revealed my identity to her, and that I was married with children. She was shocked. After a few months, we started talking again, and I knew I didn’t want to lose her.
One day, she told me that her parents were arranging a marriage for her. Without telling my wife, I went to save my girlfriend from marrying someone she didn’t want to marry. I met her parents, and told them we wanted to get married (I’m Muslim, and a second marriage is allowable). We kept my true identity from her parents. When I returned home, I realized it was all wrong. I was not doing justice by marrying her secretly. So I told that her that I couldn’t marry her. Eight years have passed, and my girlfriend still says she will never marry anyone – except me.
She is very kind, never asked me for anything, and kept our affair a secret. We’re still in touch, and occasionally meet in person. I know she loves me deeply. I’m still unable marry her, because of my family. I can’t leave my family. I regret that we had physical relations, and that we’re so close. I feel so bad and guilty, and feel that I have deprived her the opportunity to get married. She is alone in different country, and we are still in touch. I don’t know what to do.
Psychic Red ext. 9226 Responds:
Let me start by saying that it’s good that you recognize you’ve made some bad decisions, and have behaved selfishly. Now, you just need to realize that it’s never too late to set things in motion, on a better path. However, it’s not going to be easy – for you or your girlfriend.
You have a very strong soul connection with this woman, and your feelings for her run very deep. I know that when you first started filling the void in your life by chatting with her, that you never dreamed things would become so complex.
Your girlfriend loves you deeply, and is loyal to you. While she doesn’t place demands on you, she holds very tightly to the hope that someday you may choose to be with her. If you really want what is best for her, and for her to find happiness, you need to cut all ties, and let her go. The past can’t be undone, and that is something you will have live with. The future is filled with many variables. By continuing to have contact with her, however infrequent, she will continue to hope and wait. The best thing for you both is for you to find the strength to remove her hope, and set her free. While this will be a painful transition for each of you, it must be done in order for her to find happiness with another man.
I don’t see you leaving your family. While you carry the great weight of guilt for both your physical and emotional betrayals, your relationship with your wife and family would deteriorate if they knew the truth. Even though I don’t see divorce, your wife would not be able to forgive you. It would be wise of you to keep your transgressions a secret.
Yes, you’ve made some mistakes, and are struggling with the guilt and consequences of those mistakes. By doing what you know to be right – for your family and for your girlfriend – you will become a better man, and eventually will find peace through your sacrifices, and your own forgiveness.
I hope this helps you.
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