When your partner feels insecure about themselves, do you know how to help them? In some cases, they make seek out others who understand them better than you. Is it just infatuation or is it an affair?
If They Don’t Have Sex, Are They Still Cheating?
Bonnie from Brighton asks:
Two years ago, I discovered that my husband of 24 years was involved in an infatuation with a younger woman. He had just turned 60, and I was 63. Daily for three months, they texted and spoke on the phone. He said they never had sex and met only one time for coffee, but I know he visited her briefly at her place of employment. Desperately, I want to believe that this was the one and only time he was unfaithful to me. We have rebuilt our relationship, and both made necessary changes. I’ve been happy for the last nine months with him. However, I saw a psychic when I was in Florida. She confirmed that he did not have a sexual relationship with her; that it was simply an old man’s infatuation with a younger woman. However, when I asked if it would happen again, she said yes it would. When she said it would be the same… an emotional affair without sex. She said I could change it. So my question is: is it truly over with this younger woman, and what can I do to prevent this from ever happening again. Am I wasting my time trusting in this marriage and this man?
Psychic Red ext. 9226 Responds:
Dear Bonnie,
Your husband can be an emotionally needy person. It’s an aspect of his character that you can’t change, nor should you expect to. However, it is a characteristic within him that sometimes requires a bit of additional attention from you. You see, he doesn’t want to “make waves,” particularly with you or your marriage.
You have a very loyal man on your hands, particularly when it comes to the physical aspects of his relationship with you. While this may be a bit of justification on his part, he does take the old saying, “I can look, but I can’t touch!” very seriously. From what I can see, he will never stray, nor will he invite or entangle himself in a physical or sexual affair. From that perspective, you aren’t wasting your time, nor is your trust misplaced.
Relationships are seldom black and white, and your marriage has its fair share of gray. Yes, looking into the future, your husband is likely to form emotional attachments to other women, and fantasize about them. If you want to throw away all that you have and all that you’ve been through over thoughts—that is your right. But, I would encourage you to think long and hard before you make any final decisions. For all his faults and flaws, your husband does love you. Maybe even more importantly, he cherishes you and your marriage. While things aren’t perfect, this relationship would be hard to replace.
It is possible for you to circumvent your husband from straying emotionally. You just need to pay attention to him and the little signs and signals he throws off when he is feeling old, vulnerable, and “less than.” These inner emotions of his are his Achilles’ heel. It was his declining sense of self-worth that opened the door to his previous emotional betrayal, and he will go through similar feelings in the future. While his relationship with this other woman is over and behind him, he could find his attention drawn to another once again when his esteem is low. He didn’t find himself infatuated with another because you weren’t enough for him—it happened because of him questioning his value and worth. As long as you can recognize the times of his internal turmoil, and tend to him, you have nothing to fear or worry about, in terms of other women or outside relationships.
The fact is, he needs you more than you need him. This can be a burden or blessing—it really depends on how you choose to see it, and handle it.
I hope this helps you.
Brightest Blessings,
Red
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2 thoughts on “Red Responds: Stop an Unwanted Infatuation”
Wait. My ex told my daughter he rationalized BOTH of his affairs because he never slept with either woman (unless we divorced) but as she told him, the emotional damage can and was more damaging than if they would have had sex. He would never acknowledge that fact, but rather, changed the subject. When he was involved with these women, he was a neglectful, emotionally abusive person. I asked him to stop flirting with all other women, but he refused. Where do you draw the line?
It seems that the husband could also attend some therapy and take some responsibility for his low
self esteem and learn to raise it on his own and for himself or fulfill himself in other ways than attention from younger women.
Needy men can be very tiring and demanding.