Will I Always be Stuck Loving Them?
Kealii from Belle asks:
I recently went through a pretty rough separation/divorce. After all he put me through including infidelity and abuse, some portion of my heart still yearns for him. I believe I’ve come to the point where I know that what I think my heart lives and longs for is the illusion of what could’ve been, and the “happy” times we did have together. And although I know I don’t want that kind of relationship ever again, the selfish side of me would relive the opportunity just to tell him, “No!”. But the fact remains that my heart, of its own free will, still loves this man even though my brain logically has understood the dysfunction and is willing to let it go and move on. So, my question is this… I’ve been told that someone worthy of me will come into my life when I’m ready and have moved on from my ex.
What if I always feel this way? What if I always love him, but know better than to ever go back there? Will this conflict between my heart and mind prevent me from finding love and happiness with another? I have found strength in being single, but am ready to share my life with someone again—someone who’s worth being with me and my kids and vice versa. Any insight?
Psychic Red ext. 9226 Responds:
Even though you currently are struggling with your attachment to your ex, and a touch of loneliness, you won’t always feel this way. You are a wise woman, indeed, for recognizing that you long for “what could have been.” Even with all you’ve suffered through, you don’t actually hate your ex. It’s just not your style. In time, your heart will follow the lead of your head, and slowly loosen its grasp. Unfortunately, there is no quick fix for a broken heart.
Continue working your way through your emotional upheaval, day by day. While it won’t be easy, the less time you spend consciously thinking about the past and your ex, the better off you will be. It’s challenging to reign in your thoughts, but not impossible. When you find yourself thinking of him, try to spend some time in meditation and visualization. See yourself with your heart unbound, knowing that you are happy and carefree. It will take some practice, but your heart will catch on. When it does, your head will be quite eager to agree, and you will enter the final stages of healing.
I don’t necessarily see your fantasies of telling your ex, “NO!” as being intrinsically selfish; your thoughts seem more geared toward reclaiming your power and restoring some balance. Even in your darker moods, when there is a tinge of vengeance, you’re not off the hook with it. Considering all the ways this man abused you, it would be a little odd if your thoughts were all love and forgiveness. Part of you knows that all the forms and fashions of abuse you endured are part of what keeps your heart hanging on. Just keep in mind that even though you are going through a tough process, eventually you are going to come out the other side—better, stronger, and happier.
For some people, their next love presents within a month or within a time frame, and others present with the culmination of a series of events. Your future is coming through in the secondary fashion—you will find love when you least expect it, when you and your heart have healed. This could mean that you aren’t actually supposed to know at this time when a new love is entering your life, so that you can continue on your healing path. Or, I could be getting the vague answer to keep you from seeking out your next love before the time is right. I honestly don’t know. I can’t tell you what isn’t being revealed to me, but I can tell you that there’s always a reason for everything.
As you learn to trust yourself and your judgment again, things are going to open up for you in your social arena. I don’t see you doing a whole lot of random dating, though. It’s not that your lacking the opportunities; it’s more like you aren’t into the dating-just-to-date thing. I’m seeing the evolution of a flirty friendship turning into a fiery romance. While things aren’t going to move too quickly, it is a progressive relationship that will lead you into marriage—if you let it. And, at some point, it looks like you are are going to let it. I can only glimpse flashes of this man, but he is taller with broad shoulders and a solid build, soft, curly dark hair, near-perfect teeth, and big, brown eyes. Not that this helps an awful lot, but he will be wearing a medium -rey suit, and a dark tie with diagonal slashes of sky blue, when you meet him.
The lesson in all of this, Kealii, is to stop looking back and to start moving forward, unrestrained. The only thing that can stop you from having the life and love that you want and deserve is you, and the fear and loss that you still carry. There is life after divorce, and your life will be better than it ever was when you were married. Just let yourself heal…
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