Red Responds: She Wants to Get Over Him

Distressed writes:

I think I’m blocked. I cannot move forward no matter how I try. I lost the love of my life about six years ago to a bitter breakup. There was much heaviness and entanglement to this relationship – and the breakup , too. We loved each other very much. Our connection was strong.

Neither of us recovered very quickly, and neither of us dated for years afterward. All I wanted was to get back together and work it out, even though he gave up on it entirely at the end. He moved to another city 90 miles south of me. I stayed here with all the memories of us everywhere I looked. We kept in touch, a lot at first, and he would visit whenever he came through town – and vice versa. Gradually the calls lessened, and my biggest fear came true when he met someone and she moved in with him. The calls stopped.

I am in absolute misery when I think about him with her. I have tried dating, but it’s failed disastrously, smashing my self-esteem into smithereens. I felt old and stuck – then my mother died, and I fell into a depression deeper than anything I had ever known. I’m still there.

Every time I try to crawl out of my misery I feel sucked back in – as if it were quicksand. At night I dream of my mother and of my lost love. They are both with me in my dreams. Often he comes back to me and is sweet – and everything is healed. When I wake up I am miserable and depressed – I cannot move on. Is something hooking me into staying like this? Is there anything I can do to make peace in my heart? Please, any advice you have would be so appreciated. I feel I am wasting my days pining over him, and have left no room to find anyone new.

Dear Distressed,

There are a lot of karmic attachments to your ex that are hindering your ability to move forward. These attachments help to amplify your emotions, making them feel more powerful – and painful. But that is only part of the problem. Even though you know what you want to do, and go through the motions of trying to move forward, you literally are thinking yourself out of succeeding. Some of this is conscious, but much of it is unconscious – which is why you so often find yourself happily with your ex and your mom in your dreams.

Depression is a challenging illness to overcome, because it is physical, mental and energetic. I strongly want to encourage you to find the right therapist or a grief counselor – one that you not only like, but also trust. Your mom has passed in the natural sense of the word, but your relationship, and many of your hopes and dreams, have also gone through a change that is very similar to a death. Deep inside, you know that no matter how badly you want it, your ex is not coming back. But in many ways you still define yourself through him and the relationship you once shared. In order to free yourself and find peace, you are going to have to consciously change the way you are thinking. Sometimes, that is easier said than done, which is why you could benefit from a little help.

Aside from enlisting the aid of a counselor, meditations and reciting positive mantras can be very beneficial in helping you to come back to a place of balance and peace. Set aside some time each day to focus solely on becoming less distressed. Visualize yourself being free from the pain of lost love and disastrous dates. See yourself as a radiant being. Picture the karmic ribbons that bind you to your ex melting into wisps of peaceful smoke, floating up and into the ether. As these ties are removed, see yourself becoming younger, more vital and filled with glowing energy that emanates from you and attracts love.

Envision changes in yourself and your life as you move freely forward with harmony, joy and contentment. Find or create some positive mantras and affirmations that invoke a sense a peace, happiness and hope within you. Recite these when you find yourself slipping back into the depressive and obsessive patterns that you are struggling to break.

Learning how to let go of the past can be a challenge, but when you do, it frees you to be more fully present – and it also creates an invitation to a brighter future. You are edging toward a personal transformation, but healing is hard, and often painful. Transformation is a reward for doing the hard work, and creating results through effort and practice. Six years of torment isn’t going to go away overnight, but if you tackle this problem from every angle, you will eventually wake up rested, with a sense of knowing that things are going to be all right.

I hope this helps.
Ext. 9226

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