Red Responds: Her Husband Was Adopted

Cynthia in Deltona writes:

Do you see my marriage improving. My husband was adopted at five months of age and has a lot of emotional problems as a result of this. I am wondering if you see healing and change for him and our marriage. We have been married 17 and a half years and I am questioning if I should leave and start a new life without him. I am tired of the selfishness, self-centered, self-serving person that I now clearly see him to be.

Dear Cynthia,
It is such a shame that your husband has used his circumstances to form a wall of self-pity and narcissism, because he really does love you. The real question here is, does he love you enough to change? That answer, surprisingly, is yes.
You are in a very difficult position because it will take some seriously drastic measures to improve your marriage, and get your husband to embrace the help he needs. Before you trash 17-½ years of marriage, you may want to consider a working separation if he will not agree to both marriage and personal counseling, with sincerity.

He is used to getting his way, and takes for granted that no matter how negative he is, you will always be there. He feels righteous in his selfishness. It is high time that you rip that comfy rug right out from under him.

It is not so simple for you to pack a bag and leave, even though there are days when that is exactly what you want to do. One of the urges you should follow through with is to tell him, clearly, that you cannot continue living like this. Be kind, but extremely firm, and stop being tolerant of his mental abuses. Tell him what you want, what you need, and what you are no longer willing to endure – or you will leave. He initially will see this as an idle threat, but will start taking you more seriously when you don’t play into his drama.

A separation would do each of you good. Moving out is an option, and it may come to this – but I am not currently seeing divorce in your future. Of course, that is an option that you can make a reality, if you choose to.

You have a lot of anger and resentment that you need to work through, and your husband has a lot of emotional baggage he needs to stop hiding behind. If each of you does your part to work on healing yourselves, your marriage will also heal and improve.
He doesn’t want to lose you, and you really don’t want to give up on him. Things have just been too hard for too long, but that doesn’t mean you won’t find each other lovingly again. There is a lot of hard work that lies ahead for you both, but your marriage doesn’t have to end.
I hope this helps.
Ext. 9226

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