Sex Q&A: Is the Marriage Really Over?

Sheila asks:

My husband has filed for divorce. I’ve also filed. I don’t feel any romantic feelings for him. Why does he still want to have sex with me? Why does he still say that he loves me? I can’t return his feelings.

Liam’s Response:

Greetings, Sheila. The question you pose is one I believe a lot of ex-wives might be curious about. As I feel my way through the situation, I sense that your husband is a man who’s made more than his share of mistakes. He’s totally eradicated your trust, and that sort of betrayal makes it hard for a lady to be generous about granting sensual favors. In other words, this man hasn’t done much to make you feel romantic or sexy… So it’s no wonder there are no huge waves of wanton vibration or heart-racing adoration when you consider him. However, I feel I must suggest that you do still have feelings for him. Object if you will, but I see that there’s a good deal more to this little drama than you admit.

In sensing your energy, I find you a true lady, through and through. A woman of class and taste. As such, you’ve got tools in your natural arsenal that can lend you massive amounts of control in relationships. I see that you already wield these weapons well but you aren’t conscious of what you’re doing. It‘s a natural flow for you. However, knowledge coupled with that kind of instinct is even more effective. So let’s give you the knowledge. What I want you to do is dig deep and isolate what it is you’re really feeling for this man. Go beyond your anger… Get past your fear. Move within and try to find out if you just might still like him… even a little. If you don’t, then head straight to your attorney and have him ask your husband’s attorney to enforce a no contact rule, and get on with your life.

However, I have a strong feeling that what you’re really doing here is enacting an ancient mating ritual in your own fashion, trying to ignite the dormant passions between you and your estranged spouse. Your husband wants to have sex with you because, frankly, you’re really good at making love. No one is what you are to him in bed. Like most men, he’s also very territorial. Having mated you for a number of years, he tends to view you as his property. However, it seems to me that what started out on his end as an old-fashioned attempt to reclaim breeding rights, has become something else altogether. Because when he chased, you REFUSED… and refused, and refused. People constantly fail to understand that we don’t place value on another person as an innate action. One has to earn being valued. For a woman, respect is crucial and mystery is part of the formula. By turning him away, you set the rules. You make him wonder whether you’re sharing your affections with another. So now he values you more. Now you‘re a lucrative prize. A thing to be treasured, desired and lusted for. I wish you could give lessons on how to manage this.

So the question isn’t why does he do what he does… It’s what you do you want? How far do you want this to go? At this point, he isn’t totally ready to alter all his bad behaviors, but shortly he could be convinced to do so if you decided you wanted him back. If you do, keep that bedroom door locked… With a deadbolt. Let him chase you and you resist. Date other men, because it’s always a lady’s prerogative to keep her options open and conduct your relations with your husband as if he’s but one of a pool of potential suitors. Because that‘s what he’s now, and that was his choice… You can get him thinking that was a big mistake. If you want this relationship, it’s yours to reclaim. If not, then you’re well-armed to find another, more satisfactory mate. That choice is yours.


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