Robyn from San Diego asks:
I am married to a man that is eleven years younger than me and has two ex-wives! He’s cheated on me with three different people over the course of our marriage, where I would come home from work and his clothes would be gone. People would tell me they see him with different women. I feel deep in my heart that I need to let him go! The reason he leaves is my fault! I don’t give him enough sex, I don’t put him before my kids. What should I do?
Psychic Red ext. 9226 Responds:
I know you are facing some big decisions, but I can’t tell you what to do. All I can do is hopefully give you enough information and clarity regarding your choices that you can make the decision that is best for you and your family.
An age difference between partners is sometimes a problem, and other times makes absolutely no difference. It looks as if when you and your husband were getting together, your ages weren’t a problem. Now, however, there are signs of a gap in maturity. This is, and has been, causing a bit of trouble in the way the two of you relate to one another. Your husband often feels like you treat him as a child. Granted, he really isn’t looking at the fact that he often is behaving more like one of your kids than the man of the house and your partner. He has grown quite accustom to you being the responsible member of the household, and seems to take advantage of that, and you.
You say that it’s your fault that your husband leaves, and it is because of your priorities and sex life. While those reasons are part of his repeated infidelity, the blame is not entirely yours. He knows exactly what he is doing. He also knows you will feel guilty and believe that his affairs and get-a-ways are your fault—and that you will take him back. He chooses to use these factors in his decisions.
Since your marriage, your husband has had a tough time adjusting to the life of a married man with a family. He thought that he was ready for these responsibilities, but when the reality of everyday life set in, he began to resent his responsibilities, you, and to your kids. He thought his life would be easier. In many ways, he is quite immature. While this may be charming in the beginning, his immaturity and selfishness has caused many problems between the two of you, outside of his fidelity issues.
Some people have great difficulty being monogamous. Your husband is one of those people. Even if you were to put your children’s needs second to your husband, and made love to him morning, noon, and night—he would still be likely to stray. He has a very romantic delusion that he will be able to find a woman who will please him, take care of him, and be tolerant of all his less than wonderful concepts and behaviors. He has no desire to try to improve himself to make your marriage and life happier. He really doesn’t see the need to grow or change. He knows that he is fun and charming, and that there is always another woman who will be attracted to him. He is actually looking for another woman who is willing to take him on and take care of him. If he finds her, he’ll go with her, and if not, he can always come back home to you. He is in love with falling in love, but once there—well, his happiness seems to fade.
I wish I had something more positive to share with you. Unfortunately, from what I’ve seen, your husband doesn’t come across like the nicest guy, and it surely doesn’t seem like he’s very nice to you.
If you are happy enough and content enough with this man and your life with him, then stay married. Eventually he will start to mature, and things will be much better for you. But, it will be a long, and often painful, process that will take another 3-4 years before you feel like you actually have a husband and partner. If you feel divorce is the best solution, don’t look at it as if you are letting him go, instead, look at it more honestly—you are setting yourself free to find someone to who will love and honor you, and treat you with the respect you deserve.
Wishing you the best of luck, and Brightest Blessings,
Do you have a question for Red? Ask Red your question now.