Red Responds: Bouts of Depression

Lost and Confused writes:

I met this man about two years ago and it seemed like we were meant to be together, but couldn’t be due to the fact we were both still married. This past December we were finally able to be together. Things seemed to be good between us, then in late February he went into a depression and I haven’t heard from him since. I’m completely torn now.

I’ve tried to call, email and text him but I can’t get a response out of him. I feel this strong connection between us. When we are together I feel whole, safe and I can be myself. Now that he’s not here I feel lost. I find myself waiting for him. Another man is trying to enter my life and I find myself looking for reasons on why it won’t work, but it all goes back to the fact that I’m waiting. Is he going to come back, am I wasting my time, should I move on maybe with this guy?

Dear Lost and Confused,

Your friend is prone to bouts with depression, and that often causes him to behave erratically or to withdraw. He will work through this difficult time, but he is not at a point where he is willing to reach out or respond to you. As hurtful as it is, it is part of his process. Besides, after his lack of response – right now he isn’t sure what he could possibly say!

The two of you came together well, but a bit too fast. While both of you feel a certain level of comfort and connection to each other, he isn’t quite as ready as you are to make this relationship more of a permanent deal. As a matter of fact, his thinking about it seemed to be part of what freaked him out, adding to his other stresses.

You’ve done all that you can do, and now the ball is in his court. So, while it may not feel right, you should be looking at your other options and opportunities. There is a deeper lesson in this for you, one your friend’s disappearance started to bring to light. The lesson is one of setting boundaries and learning the art of taking things slow, no matter how good or right things seem.

While it would be okay for you to date the new fellow, he ultimately isn’t the one for you. Neither is the man you are struggling to hold on to. While that bit of news may seem like a bummer, it’s not as bad as it could be. You are in a period of your life where you should be embracing what it is like to feel free. Freedom doesn’t mean that you have to be alone, it just means you aren’t completely committing to or building your life around your relationships.

Whether you are actively waiting or not, you will hear from your friend again. But, things aren’t likely to come together the way you want them to. When the two of you are together things are great, but chances are good he will freak out and withdraw from you again.

Good luck!
Ext. 9226

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