Lucille in Philadelphia writes:
I just discovered my husband’s picture on an Internet dating site. He states that he’s single and that he is ready to really love someone. He gives me no indication that he is unhappy. We haven’t had a serious fight in three years! I don’t know why he is doing this, he has no knowledge of my discovery. I feel confused, hurt and disgusted. He isn’t completely legal in this country yet. I was truly in love with him, but now I’m numb. What should I do?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it looks like you have a pretty bumpy road ahead of you. You may be feeling numb now, but underneath it all, you do love this man.
Your husband isn’t necessarily unhappy or miserable with you and the life you share, but he is looking for some excitement. Sure, he may do and say all the right things to keep your marriage running smoothly and you satisfied and happy, but he is also manipulating you. He wants you to believe all is well, and also be free to explore what else is out there.
His legal status really shouldn’t be part of your decision making process. You have to take that out of the equation, and really focus on the issues at hand. Your husband has broken your trust and your vows, and really doesn’t seem to be feeling all that concerned or guilty. He just assumes that you would never find out. What you need to decide is if your love for him is great enough to overcome his betrayals. You can go along with things as you have been, and your marriage will survive, but not necessarily in a completely faithful manner. To make matters worse, if you confront your husband now, things aren’t going to go very well. His temper will mix with his ego, and he will threaten to leave, once he’s done denying everything. It is definitely going to be an emotionally turbulent time.
Lucille, all you can do is prepare for the worst and hope for the best. But, I definitely think you should be keeping close tabs on your husband. Talk to him about his feelings regarding you, the marriage, and how he wants the future to unfold.
I don’t see you as ready to do anything at this moment, but sometime in the spring, you will lay it all out on the table for him. This looks like it will lead to a separation, but I am not seeing a legal divorce. If the foundation of your marriage can be strengthened now, when the time comes to reveal what you have learned, maybe things can evolve in a more productive and less painful manner.