Red Responds: He Won’t Try Again

Beth in Liberty writes:

I’ve been married for more than 20 years, but two years ago, my spouse moved out. Though I’ve told him I don’t want a divorce, I also do not want to live alone the rest of my life. I love this man dearly, and I know I made mistakes, but I’m afraid he won’t “try again” and will just continue with what I’ll call the “status quo.” We have children that he picks up regularly for weekends, and we talk a bit then. He purchased a home and has relatives living with him, one of which he complains about often. He seems satisfied with the way things are and that’s a scary thing to me, because I wonder if he’ll ever want to try again, or just continue for five, ten or more years “as is.” I could really use some guidance as to what you see happening with my marriage, as I feel very much in limbo.

Dear Beth,

It is unfortunate, but your husband is satisfied with things the way they are. From his point of view, the current arrangement works.

If you are waiting for your husband to have an epiphany and come back to you, you risk living in limbo forever. I just don’t see him doing that. Sure, there will be times when the two of you pull closer, and share moments that don’t revolve around the children or family issues, but these occurrences don’t seem to be leading up to a full reconciliation. They are just enough to give you a little hope, and then he will pull away.

Currently, even though I’m not seeing a full reconciliation for the two of you, I am also not seeing a divorce. This is largely due to the fact that no one is really talking about the state of your marriage, how things got to this point, or where to go from here. It’s like neither one of you really wants to make waves and disrupt what is a delicate balance.

While I regret that I can’t tell you more with certainty, I can tell you that if you continue to quietly go along with this state of “status quo,” nothing is going to change. Much of how things will evolve is directly related to what you choose to do or not do, so your future is very much in your hands.

If you want to feel more in control of your life and less like you are living in limbo, I would suggest you roll the dice and talk with your husband. While the conversation may not bring you the results you desire, at least you will know where you stand. It is only with that certain knowledge that you will be able to decide the best way for you to proceed.

Good luck!
Ext. 9226

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