Red Responds: She Really Wants Her Friend Back

Jaffe in Marina del Rey writes:

I haven’t spoken to my best friend Amy in almost two years. In retrospect, our friendship was very codependent and in the time we’ve been apart I think we have both grown considerably. At the time she had numerous issues that I did everything in my power to help her get through – to the point that I felt she was taking advantage of me. Our falling out was unfortunately due to me finally blowing up at her and saying things that I now regret (because of their harshness), but ultimately had to be said.

I have apologized numerous times over the course of the last two years but she has not replied. Since we run in the same circle of friends, I get periodic updates and feel that she is trying to reach out to me but can’t bring herself to. Past aside, I really just want my friend back. I know things will never be the same and I’ve resigned myself to be optimistic but not to let it get to me. I’m trying not to push her and let her come around on her own, and really as long as she’s okay I’m fine with it. Do you see any chance of reconciliation?

Dear Jaffe,


Your friend Amy seems as if she is doing okay… for her. She does have some issues that she still needs to recognize and work through, but at least she is trying.


Amy is no longer quite as jaded about the past, but she also isn’t ready to reach out to you at this point. Part of that is because she doesn’t know what to say, not understanding that a simple “Hi!” would do the trick. For now, the best thing you can do is what you are doing – continuing to give her time and her space.


Over the course of the summer, each of you is going to put less effort into strategic and conscious avoidance of the other, and you will eventually end up in the same space. Circumstances will offer you the opportunity to step forward and break the ice, and a small conversation will ensue. While it may only be a few shared minutes, it is a step in the right direction.


What I see is a chance for a new beginning, rather than a reconciliation. Each of you has grown and changed in many ways, and it is going to be a slow-moving process to really get to know and trust one another again.

I know that you miss your friend, but things are never going to be quite at the level of “sisterhood” that you once shared. Even though things will be different, it isn’t necessarily bad. You do need to prepare yourself, however, to deal with a level of friendship with her that falls beneath your desires and expectations. She is going to keep you at arms length for a long time, and she never entirely forgets or moves beyond some of the more negative aspects of the past.

Brightest Blessings!
Ext. 9226

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