Red Responds: Bisexual and In Love With Her Boyfriend’s Ex

Tiffany in Darlington writes:

Is it possible for a girl to be bisexual and be in a serious relationship with a guy… when the girl she likes is her current boyfriend‘s ex-girlfriend? How can I make it work?

Dear Tiffany,

In answer to the blanket question of the possibility of a person being bisexual and in a serious relationship, the answer is yes. Many people have serious, supportive relationships that aren’t monogamous, regardless of sexual preferences. However, these relationships are established on honesty, trust, rules and boundaries. They are most successful when they support and fulfill all the parties involved. It is a very special kind of person who can handle this type of arrangement.

This is not the case with your situation.

First of all, I am questioning whether or not you are bi. Just because you are attracted to and fantasize about your boyfriend’s ex doesn’t mean that you are actually bisexual. You come through as more curious than anything else.

Secondly, your boyfriend will not tolerate you exploring the feelings you have for his ex-girlfriend. It’s not that I see him stopping you, it’s just that this would be the end of the “serious” relationship between the two of you. “Threesomes” might be fantasy fodder for most of the men out there, but not all guys can handle the reality of it.

Thirdly, this other woman comes through as straight. So, even if the two of you were to explore some passion, it goes nowhere fast.

You need to take some time out and explore your own feelings, figure out if you want to proceed in this relationship with your boyfriend, or if you want to be free to explore all of your options. Being with him now limits what you can explore and with whom because you are just not that good at being sneaky, and getting away with it.

I do see you having a relationship with a woman at some point in your future, but ultimately you will settle down and build a life with a man.

The best advice I can give you is to be true to yourself and honest with the people who are important to you. When you find yourself thinking about doing things you don’t want people to know about, chances are good it is something that you shouldn’t be doing. Every action has a consequence, and things can go pretty badly for you if you’re not prepared to handle it.

It’s your life and you should live – and love – the way that is best and most productive to you. No one, not even me, can tell you what is the “right” thing to do, that is something you need to decide for yourself.

Good luck to you.
Ext. 9226

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