Red Responds: Getting Rid of Her Ex-Husband Forever

Vivian in Sarasota writes:

I just went through a very ugly divorce, and even though it’s been official since February 2007, I’m still going to court. I lost my house. My two kids and I had to go live with a friend for the time being. I feel lost and lonely every day, and even though I’m seeing a gentleman right now, I don’t know if he is the right person for me. I do know he’s been there for me and for the kids (my boys are 20 and 14). I know they’re not babies, but everyone seems to depend on me – and they’re not even mad at their father for what he has done to us!

I need to get back my life and get rid of my ex-husband forever. Help!

Dear Vivian,

This is going to sound rather harsh, but it is something you need to hear. The time has come for you to stand up, dust off your behind, roll up your sleeves, and rebuild your life. You have been down a hard road, and I am not making light of anything that you have been through. You have paid your dues. But, somewhere along the way, you accepted defeat and are holding on to some kind of “victim” mentality. It’s time to let that go.

You’ve got a roof over your head, food in your stomach and a brain that seems to be stuck in neutral. Shift gears. The legal system isn’t going to favor you. If anything, it seems to be costing you. Redirect those energies into your life, creating changes that you can control and be proud of. Work hard, take a class or two – because you are truly the only one you can count on to take care of yourself. And, you are going to have to.

Your gentleman friend is a kind soul, but he is not your savior. Furthermore, you are only toying with the memory of who you used to be and haven’t even unveiled a preview of the woman you will become. Eventually, you will outgrow this man so don’t try and factor your life decisions around him.

As far as your ex goes, don’t play into (or create) the drama. He is your ex. Deal with him only in the capacity of what you must for the sake of your youngest son. Your feelings toward the man who fathered your children is your burden to bear. Do not expect your boys to have the same view. They weren’t married to him, and regardless of what he has done, he is their father. Give your kids enough respect and room to navigate their own relationships with him. It is nothing against you and it actually has nothing to do with you.

You’ve got a bit of a rough road yet to travel, but you can do it, and you will.

Brightest Blessings,
Ext. 9226

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