You have everything you’ve ever wanted but something is missing – the surging emotions. The sparks. They fit everywhere, perfectly, except in your heart. You will yourself to feel differently, but as more time passes, your feelings stay firmly planted in the pleasantly platonic zone. Your friends say you’re being too picky. Your family says you don’t know a good thing when you have it.
Are you incapable of happiness, stuck in the past, or afraid of your future?
The heart of the matter
When you aren’t feeling the way you expected, getting angry at yourself is not going to solve your conundrum. Getting to the bottom of “why” will. Start with your past. Think back to when you drafted that checklist. Zero in on the key characteristics you were looking for in your ideal mate. When did you do it? Was it fresh on the heels of a breakup, or were you in a healthy place? Get clear on how the list was composed. Does it reflect what you were looking for? Or was it more the voice of someone else’s criteria blaring in your ear (family, friends, Oprah)?
It’s easy to be influenced by others, but it’s detrimental if it takes precedence over your own desires. If that doesn’t click with you, the heart of the matter might be the passage of time and change. The times change, and people change. It’s possible that what you once yearned for is no longer of interest… because life continues to evolve. We all know that trying to smash a square peg into a circular hole does one thing – it drives you crazy. Vow to stop it, now!
Time for a change – or bad timing?
Timing in love is everything. You could meet the greatest person, but it might happen a week after your heart was broken. Sometimes starting fresh seems like the answer to your breakup blues, but the problem is, if you’re still tied to someone else – emotionally, physically, over the Web, or just over the phone – your heart will not be open. No matter how magnificent someone happens to be! All you can do is to be honest with yourself, and honor your feelings.
You can’t make somebody love you, any more than you can make yourself love someone you’re not taken with. Just because it seems like you should be moving on, or others think that “it’s time,” doesn’t mean that you’re ready in your heart. Only when you deal with all the feelings from your past can you be available for the next person who comes into your life. Otherwise, you might miss out on the chance to truly connect with your soulmate – because of a simple case of bad timing.
Should you, would you?
Beating yourself up with thoughts like I should be ready to move on, I should be attracted to them, or I should be in a relationship – isn’t productive. It isn’t going to do anything but get you more stuck than you already are. In life we feel pressure to do certain things and feel certain ways, but what’s with all the “shoulds”?
The reality is, nobody should do anything or be with anyone out of obligation – regardless of where that sense stems from. It’s time to swap the “shoulds” for “woulds.” Those “shoulds” get you stuck, but “woulds” can help you move forward.
Ask yourself a few critical “would-you” questions: If your ex walked back into your life tomorrow, would you yearn to be with them, or would you know it was time to move on? If someone more perfect walked into your life, would you still want to be with the one you’re with? The answers will be telling.
Once you’re clear on your feelings and current-day wants and needs, you can get to work on reconciling the past, and addressing any unresolved feelings about your ex. By doing this, you’re preparing for a happy and content future – a future where you will be ready to enjoy that perfect match – when they walk into your life.
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