5 Steps Toward Forgiveness

In my work as a new reader for California Psychics I regularly connect with callers weighted down by emotional baggage from a special someone. Aside from desiring love and affection, the bottom line dynamic involved in any emotional connection with someone is choice. In terms of choice, we often take on a tremendous amount of emotional stress when things on the relationship front are out of balance. This is where awareness and forgiveness become key to the personal healing and resolution process.

Once we become aware we do have a choice in how we perceive and respond to situations beyond our control we can begin the active process of forgiving. Contrary to popular belief, to forgive in this sense does not mean to condone or accept, or to make okay – to forgive a person or situation simply means that we make an active choice in “forgiving” what someone “does” to us or how someone “makes” us feel. To forgive means we choose not to assume someone else’s “junk.” Some steps in the forgiving process are:

1. Cultivating awareness that while you do not have control over someone else’s behaviors, thoughts and feelings, you DO have a choice in how you think and feel about the situation. Awareness brings balance and allows us different ways of perceiving a situation in ways that serve our highest good.

2. Recognizing that as individuals we think, feel, and act based on our own choice. This means if someone treats you a certain way – it’s NOT your fault. Each of us makes a personal choice in terms of how we treat others (and how we are treated), and when someone treats you in an unkind or disregarding kind of way, this is the choice he or she has made independently of you.

3. Taking a situation into consideration in which you have not been honored is a tough deal. It’s important once we realize we have been treated unkindly that we DESERVE to be treated with love and respect. However, it’s important to realize that treating others kindly becomes a reciprocal event and something that takes continuous effort to keep in balance.

4. Know that you control how others are treating you. Cultivate clarity in relationships by determining your personal self worth and the boundaries needed to preserve it.

5. Love yourself, value yourself and respect yourself. Others will naturally follow your lead.

31 thoughts on “5 Steps Toward Forgiveness

  1. Veronika

    You are correct that ‘letting go’ is not easy, in fact it is the most dufcifilt, yet necessary thing to do when you have been ‘offended’. It is the only way to life a life free of emotional bondage.I have been ‘offended’ in ways that I am most certain that you could never imagine, and I was determined for many years not to ‘let go'(forgive). I wanted to punish my ‘offenders’ and was afraid that my forgiveness would condone their vile acts.I have learned, through much suffering, that the only way to move forward was to ‘let go’ of the emotional ties that were keeping me from living my life to its happiest potential. I have never condoned, nor will I ever forget these vile acts, but they do not have power over me anymore.’Letting go’ is the ONLY way:)P.S. I did not learn this through any religion that I studied, but through the help of some very wise, and loving people that are in my life:)

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  5. sep242005

    i found out a couple of months ago that my husband had an affair for over a year. i feel so betrayed because he was the only person that i ever trusted with my life. although it hurts me to know that he has been with her the hard part for me is that he knowingly allowed me to make huge sacrafices just to be with him and always made me feel as if i wasnt good enough for him unless i did. i only found out because i spent hundreds of dollars online to search for the truth. now that it is out in the open he genuinely seems sorry and says he finially relizes whats important but i still cant shake the fear that i will learn to trust him just to have my life torn apart again.i still love him as much as ever and want the future he promises me now but im not sure how to forgive him and move past it. my psycic readings tell me i should move past this & ill have that but it is still so overwhelming for me inside. what do i do?

  6. Lorraine Dean

    Nancy, I am in a similar situation as you are, been married for 27 years, my husband is having an affair with this woman he does not want to give up and yet he does not want to give up on me and his marriage. I am somewhat forgiving but it hurts so much there are times i just feel like walking out. I pray and try to be strong emotionally and physically. Good Luck, D

  7. nrusingha charana ojha

    thank ur advice i try to blance like advice between past and know,try to forget but possible very slow,continus try,but one thing once u wrte about ghost,but that thing i never belive,because i know ghost is not in world,it is lie thing,

  8. sbull567

    hi dawn my wife and i have been though the same thng married for 11 years togeatherfor 14 un fortunally we seperated and she lied to me she meet someone else and now i cant help it i do love her ut hse dont love me anymore so confussed should i get a divorce she wont even go to counsling omg feel so sick to my gut and help for me maybe we could help each other

  9. Psychic Giovanna x5214

    Hi Wanda =) Thanks for sharing your story. Now is the perfect time to be confident and strong within yourself–know that you deserve compliments and attention. Honoring yourself throughout this healing process will draw in like energies from those around you. Trust, like forgiveness is a tough challenge, though with time the healing process will complete itself.

  10. Psychic Giovanna x5214

    Hi Nancy =) Your husbands decision to be a womanizer has nothing to do with you, what you’re worth, or how special you are! Knowing what you deserve and what you want for yourself in this life will help you get in touch with the courage you need to move forward into peace and love. “You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection”-Buddha

  11. Psychic Giovanna x5214

    Forgiveness and releasing is one of the most difficult challenges we face on our paths. The first step in the right direction is recognizing forgiveness as a challenge. Once this awareness opens up for us, we begin moving toward healing and releasing gradually. Keep up the good work Angela! Looking forward in terms of lessons learned is the quickest way to leaving the past at rest =)

  12. Angela Walls

    Hi! I’m new to this,and I have issues with forgiveness as well, I cringe each time I think about some of the things I’ve done in my past. I wish I could forgive myself. It wasen’t anything real bad, but I wish I’d handled it differently. Also, there is more concerning me,but I’ll save it for another time. Thanks, Angela

  13. Nancy

    Thanks for the write-up. It seems so easy to forgive but inside, the hurt is still there. we’ve been married for 30 years and my husband is a certified womanizer. I wasn’t bothered then, but when I came to know that he is now after her secretary, things have changed. I want to separate with him, but don’t have the courage. I feel betrayed, and no amount of explanation could ease the pain. Am sjust living my day at a time now.

  14. Sea Turtle

    Hi Gina Rose…
    WOW! Hope that you saw all of the posts so far as “forgiveness”…
    There are a LOT of hurting people…I was overwhemled when I read these posts.
    I’m going to pray and maybe you, the other psychics, and some of us customers could share some things that can help…
    So sad that there are so many hurting people…
    Just me…

  15. shanieke

    i think that ur husband is still having a affair with his mistress but hiding it by telling u things u wanna here….

  16. wanda

    i have been married for 31 years. my husband had an affair for 7 months…i found out…he said it is over and it had run its course, said that he felt i didn’t give him the attention he needed and she did…we are back together, i have tried to make things work…he has been very nice to me…but i still feel betrayed and i still wonder if he thinks of her…or talks to her…i have been more attentive and he is more attracted to me now..i lost weight during stress and he is always complimenting me..i pray that things are ok with us…but after being betrayed you never really know. If i would constantly bug him about her he said, well obviously you are not ever going to forgive me and forget so we might as swell split…but i have stopped bugging him…and things are better.. but what do you think

  17. Dawn

    I’m having trouble forgiving my ex-husband, He started cheating on me a month before our 11 yr annversity. Than on our annversity he was with her, and told me I was a bad wife. Drank everyday and started abusing me. Than he moved in with his mistress before we were divorced. I’m still hurt and mad, we were together for 14 yrs. I would like to move on, but it’s hard.

  18. Desiree'

    I just read this article on Forgiveness…something I have been trying to practice on for quite sometime after finding the man I’d been dating for 4 years had cheated on me with another woman for 5 months…the kicker, I found out about it on my birthday. I never knew such pain existed til I experienced it myself. I made the “choice” to take him back after pleads and promises because of the love I had for him. It didn’t work. It’s been a rocky road and very hard letting go of what he did. In the end we are now friends still loving eachother, but things will never be the same. And learning to love and respect myself had been my worse subject. When I read this article, it really confirmed my thoughts how it’s NOT me and i’m NOT responsible for others actions as he claimed why he cheated. Thank you for this.

  19. Jocelyne

    I am having a very difficult time forgiving my ex-partner who has cheated on me with prostitutes, my neighbours and made fun about my insecurities with his friends from work. (I put a tape recorder in his bag he takes to work). I feel like I was violated, my heart torn apart. I am experiencing a lot of rage. I knew in my heart that he cheated on me but I didn’t realize that it was to that extent.

  20. Melissa

    This was refreshing. I have EXTREME difficulty forgiving because I was so monsterously abused as a child. I think your comment on how you are treated is a choice others make. I guess being tortured, starved and beaten was a regular choice for my stepfather. He is long dead, but I really struggle with this.

  21. hema

    I have been trying and trying hard everytime I read an article about forgiving others and letting go of the past, but memories of incidents when certain people who are an integral part of my life have behaved really really bad, keep coming back to haunt me and then I get wild thinking about these people,how they have treated me- although I do not exhibit my emotions or feelings in front of anyone. This emotional stress tells upon my health. I do want to let go, but……..I can only Pray to God to give me the strength to do so.

  22. ttuck09

    Really having a difficult time in a relationship. There are times she is very kind and caring; most of the time lately, she is cold and cruel. I have started to address the issues I have with my life, to get back in after 4yrs of injury rehab.
    I have a lot of trouble letting go of the negativity, but I woke up this morning to this article. I am going to try to follow the advice given and see if it changes anything. Wish me luck

  23. Mary

    I wish I was better at letting go. 33 years after our divorce, I sold my property and moved 1000 miles to get back together with my first husband. I trusted him with my life, literally. Two years later I find myself in an old mobile home, not much money and a broken heart and spirit and in therapy for a nervous breakdown. He, on the other hand is marrying a woman he was dating before we supposedly got back together. I cry all the time and am just living my life on auto pilot. I feel like a failure and a fool. I was so sure I was doing the right thing and now I can’t even trust myself to make the right decisions in my life. How do I move on and learn to forgive?

  24. raembrey

    HI Lesa,
    I understand how he feels, I have anger issues towards my husband and his family. I even called and appologized for the umtenth time for things they have done to me. I will tell you that the best thing is counseling, but I also find that writting out what I am angry about and the reasons behind it helps me to clear deep rooted anger issues.
    My husband’s father died when he was 26, unespectedly, but the reasons were that he smoked and drank alcohol every day.
    We can’t hold people who have died accountable for their actions, we need to let the feelings go. If he doesn’t, he will be consumed by these issues, and will actually become sick himself.
    So I would first suggest that he keep a journal and everyday write about what he is feeling. This may be hard at first, but once he adjust to writting the words will flow, and he will begind the healing process. I hope this helps.

  25. Gina Rose ext.9500Gina Rose ext.9500

    Hi Lisa,
    I would start talking about how difficult being a parent is nowadays….and then,…. lead into how babies do not enter the world with a blue print, schematics,warranty, or
    a ” how-to ” book tied to their little toes…LOL!
    Approach the topic with a sense of humor…..take a story, maybe, from the news on TV..or something you recently read in a paper.
    Try that….and good luck!
    Blessed Be )O(…Gina Rose ext.9500

  26. Lisa

    This article came at the perfect time. Someone I care about has deep rooted anger and needs to acknowledge the anger in order to begin the process of forgiveness. The problem is that the source of his anger is his mother who died of lung cancer. His father first past away of lung cancer when he was 16 and ten years later is mother, also of lung cancer. Both were heavy smokers. His mother continued to smoke even after his father’s passing. I believe this is where the anger is stemming from. He’s passive aggressive and has not dealt w/this issue, AT ALL. And, it is now 15 years since his mother passed. He knows that there is something that he has to deal with. But, when I read this article it was like- Ah, ha, that’s it!! He needs to forgive her in order to move on. The challenge will be how I approach this topic with him. Suggestions?? Thoughts??

  27. Pam Furno

    Forgiveness is really big for me. I have to forgive the fact that my husband’s eight brothers and sisters have completely dropped off the face of the earth for my son and I who are grieving the
    loss of my husband after six long months in a horrible Rehabilitation center some 1 1/4 hours away from our home. You are right about this being their issue and not ours but it didn’t help
    that only three came one time to visit him in the Rehabilitation center. I know that Forgiveness is important and I can look for it in the way that you have suggested; boy it does make the load much less when you don’t take on other’s crap! Thanks for your wise words.

  28. Trazanna

    This article has truly hit home for me. Forgiving others does not mean that you have to accept or put up with the things that they do to you. It simply means that you have moved on, but at the same time make sure that you do not put yourself in that same situation again. Typically if you walk down the street and fall into a whole and break your leg, and get it fixed, and then repeat the same event again,with the same outcome, God gives you the common sense to not walk into that same area.

  29. Sea Turtle

    MIss Krystal,
    I agree with you, this is an excellent article…
    Not being treated respectfully by “Oldee” has been a major obstacle for me to overcome…and the main reason that I have not been willing to call him.
    I think I can forgive…and think I have.
    I guess, I am putting my self-respect first.
    Oh, well.. something to think about.
    How are you?
    I love your new photo in the featured psychic section when we sign on.
    You are so pretty Miss Krystal and have a sweet spirit as well.
    Sending you a hug,


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