Sex Q&A: Why You Attract Needy Men

Psychic Liam says that some men just yearn more for the security and tight boundaries that a strong and powerful woman can offer. Learn if you’re attracting these needy men and what you can do to change it.

Beware the Parasitic Man

Kathryn from Longmont, Colorado asks:

Your recent post on California Psychics hit a note with me. It could not have been more concise if you wrote it on a Post-it note and stapled it to my forehead!

My question is: Is the opposite true? Am I attracting needy, broken down men, because I am a self-sufficient, strong female? I have suspected this, and welcome your opinion.

Liam’s Response:

Greetings, Kathryn. Your question can be approached from many different angles, any one of which would be thought provoking. Actually, it puts me in mind of some of the female clients I have who hail from Russia and Eastern Europe. Upon immigrating to the US, these poor women find themselves utterly lost and astounded by the childish habits of our indigenous male. Indeed, it could be surmised that from the advent of industrialization, most males in our society have been intentionally kept weak and needy—particularly on the emotional level. However, when considering this phenomena, it must be remembered that men and women look for very different traits in what they consider to be top of the line mates. Women seek men with advanced degrees, status, social accolades and access to money. Men seek youthfulness, sensuality, physical attractiveness and sexual expression as a general rule. In other words, if a woman chooses to arm herself with intellect, status and wealth as a tool to luring the typical Western male, she’s going to be in for a very rude awakening.

Now it might seem to follow that a needy, “broken down” man would naturally gravitate toward a strong female, and I certainly agree that on a subconscious level that trend does seem evident. Some men just yearn more for the teat of security and tight boundaries than others. And if the fellow is not by nature a novelty seeker, he might surely be drawn to women who are of a stronger and more self-sufficient temperament. Women of means have to be very careful of this sort of fellow, for a particularly nasty subdivision of the type is the ever growing breed called the “parasitic male” who prowl the Internet and the clubs, searching high and low for women like yourself. These are the ones who are always “in between projects” or “looking for backers” for some deal or other or are “trying to break into” acting or modeling or some such thing. They’re always quite charming, often good-looking and completely endearing sorts that you must avoid like the plague.

The sad truth is, no matter a woman’s status or personal strength or whatever, most men she will encounter here on a level playing field will be a bit lacking in some department. We have no real rites of passage in our culture for our young men to clue them in to the fact that it is time for them to take the mantle of manhood. Our hunting rituals are growing obsolete and our tribal male aspect all but dead. But before you despair completely, remember that the mating ritual hasn’t always been about the male being above or even equal to his mate right from the start.

There is the very old and deeply rooted archetype of the Conquering Hero. You know the one. He’s always a kitchen boy or the youngest son of a peasant widow or some such thing. And in order to win the highborn princess, he must undergo a great quest beset with danger to save the kingdom and often the princess herself. If he wins, then he proves himself worthy to mate the royal maiden, and perhaps even become king. The point is, in all of those stories, the boy becomes a man for the sake of the lady. The process of slaying the dragon or facing the Black Knight takes him into his deepest fear. It forces him to go beyond himself for the sake of another. Sometimes it means even a sacrifice so great, that his own self… his own life… is of no consequence. When the hero makes his journey, he learns to put others first, and in doing so he becomes a man. Only then does he obtain his desire. Only then does he get the girl.

We have a lot of young squires in American culture; a lot of warriors in waiting. What we need is more women to think of themselves as prizes worth fighting for… worth growing up for… so these poor fellows will know what they have to do to get a worthy mate. In any case, don’t be so quick to cast off the ones who appear weak. There might be a hero just waiting to happen inside them.


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28 thoughts on “Sex Q&A: Why You Attract Needy Men

  1. Emily

    If I ever meet a whatever it would be nice but I’m only 11 ears old and now I am watching downtown Abby and it is a really good TV show and now I am being very happy and now I am goIng to watch it some more. His is fun to type and now I am very board.

  2. Aura

    Ugh. I relate to so many posts here. I reunited with a childhood friend/teenage love 32 yrs later. I always thought of him. We’ve been in a long distance relationship for over 2 yrs now. I’m older, always been independent, waiting for the right guy. I’m a good hearted woman, always attacting the babies. Even in lst grade, I recall certain boys wanting me to take them to the clinic when they didn’t feel well. I noticed this. I’ve never been a motherly type. Always looking for a man strong enough for me. I allowed the one in my life now because of our history, and now, ugh. I knew he was an addict back then, and still is today. I think I’ve helped another and he’ll move on to wed someone else. I teach them to love me, and by the time they learn, I’m still so mad at what they did that was hurtful, I let ’em go. I’m really tired of this. I’m still hopeful to marry and have a beautiful relationship before my life is over. Today, tho, I’m just tired. Forgive me for moaning. Maybe, I just haven’t found one that values me as I do. (:

  3. Mary

    Liam, I have recently suffered one of these disgusting parasites. This one has tried to and is still trying to extort as much money out of me as he possibly can. He is also trying to discredit me both professionally and personally all because i ended our relationship. As for the comment about women burning their bras, I guess you missed the point of the whole women’s movement!!!! What a load of nonsense.

  4. debi

    since i was with my children’s fathers, i have attracted ‘the needy, the greedy & the liars & cheaters’. i am sickened of wasting my time & my emotions on someone who doesnt appreciate my goodness, takes advantage of my kindness & goes behind my back to other females & belittles me to them so he can get their sex when he’s not with me. I have also met the guys who claim they have broken up with the ex & the cell phone never stops ringing & they never stop answering it. i am just fed up with the whole ‘partner’ thing. i have never felt as if i had a partner, i’ve never felt as if i have a soul mate cuz i have not met him & i never will because i am in a racist, feminist part of the world where people r not honest & truthful but they are sneaky & have hidden agendas. i love being single & unattached & i would not trade it for the world. i like knowing that my bills r paid cuz i paid them, i also like knowing when i buy something for myself that no one is there in my apt to eat it up or drink it up & not replace it because they play broke all the time & when they do have money they want to be with everyone but me until they’r broke again.

  5. who cares

    I’ve been divorced almost 20 years and I cannot shake these dam flies from following me these do nothing no car broke ass bastards I’m convinced there is no one for me. Too bad

  6. DEE


  7. sandra

    yes hi..I myself am a very happy sexy loveing leo woman and love my mate to death i took hem to molokakai hawaii and we got married we are so happy. and loveing. and we share all the bills and such..and I have never been so happy thank you

    sinclery sandra eng

  8. alesia

    why do i was attract men who only want one thing from me im 25 i have 2 kids i ready for real love im ready to fall in love again where that guy that i been waiting my whole life im ready for pop that question i want hear when? Where?

  9. deborah

    Who is the best person for my two girls and i jay or richard? It has to be one or another I cant keep going back and forth Jay is a push over and needy richard is shrong and none needy

  10. Beth Tilghman

    Great points. I use to think myself weak. I guess I do value myself enough. I have never been married because I haven’t found anyone to value me as much as I do. I want someone to think I’m the greatest thing going lol (without being to needy.)

  11. Dr Need Love

    Stop feeding women this garbage!
    We all need Love, men need it as much as women.
    Everyone has “Needs”, that’s why we date!
    We are looking for something and keep dating until we find it.
    So if your needs don’t match mine, why am I considered needy?
    Aren’t you needy too? You “needed” something and didn’t find it.
    Technically, you’re Needy too!
    Most single woman will tell you they want a strong man man to take care of them and treat them with respect, be faithful and loyal.
    When a man meets a woman he really likes, he goes after her showing all these affections and treating her special. Sometimes we will compromise (without telling her) and let her choose a restaurant, event, or place to go in order to accommodate her, and also maybe experience something new that we normally wouldn’t do.
    Apparently, with all this “crap” on dating advice and what men and women should or shouldn’t do, is causing more confusion and harm than good. People are not acting on their own feelings and expressing them as they should, but they play this “stupid” game of “I’m going to pretend I don’t like you” and try to force you away because your attraction to me is coming across as “needy”??? That’s Insane!
    Look people, We Don’t Have a Choice in who we are attracted too. We all think we do, but we don’t (do your own scientific research on this one to learn the truth about attraction).
    So when we meet someone special and start to feel these “feelings”, we have no control in how we express these feelings. It is better to communicate your feelings and share them.
    Tell each other how you feel and what you’re looking for in the relationship. If you’re both on the same page, start dating and see where it leads.
    But Please Stop feeding women this garbage about “needy men”, and manipulating them to play these silly little games that confuse the “heck” out of men.

    MANTRA: If you are attracted to someone, express your feelings, don’t hide them.

  12. Marie

    Thank American feminists for this emasculation of Western men: right after they burned their bras, they started berating men for looking at them as sexual creautes – they called all men chauvinist pigs. Then they demanded equality – which also meant that men must share their feelings, cry and boind like women do. Then men were told the jobs that are by nature and nurture belong to men, are now equally shared with women too.
    As a last silliness, women dsecided that it makes more sense for them to go to work, and for men to stay home with the kids.
    And now women in America cry that there are no real men left, all there is, is needy, weak, metrosexual ‘children.”

  13. Yosha Ellis

    “Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back– Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth that ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now.”
    ? Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

  14. Mary

    I am in the healthfield and independent. I recently realize thst things are very different in the western world. I have European orientation, I am Nigerian. I am not married but have lived in the USA for many years. My values has been to meet a person of equal status- in education like myself. It is tough to find. So I changed my options to go for youger matured men who I can work with. To me this days- I need more company since I am independent and can make money and stable financially. My greetest need is a man to continuously love me. I do not mind supporting him so long as he is willing to get redirection- stat some schooling- and can pass his courses in college- I do not mind- so long as he is with me. Yes- the men need pampering and support. Again, in return- they give you love. So it don’t matter- so long as they are willing to co-operate and work with the woman. I like tallness and goodlooks and passion and intellect in a man

  15. Psychic Daphne

    EXCELLENT Liam! I especially love how you ended this blog, as it is so true! I often tell my clients that when they become the Queen, their King will appear…and so it is! I see what a positive impact you make with your prose and am so glad you have such a broad platform to speak from~
    Psychic Daphne

  16. Yosha Ellis

    “It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”
    ? Theodore Roosevelt

  17. Judy

    I’ve been waiting for my hero all my life. Guess I better stop being the “strong, independant” type. It’s called survival, and sometimes a woman develops this outer core to shield her from the world. But I know I am a beautiful pearl; one in 10,000 oysters, and the man that will be worthy of me just hasn’t showed up yet.

  18. Rose O.

    Hi! Liam,

    I really agree with your articule. I have come across in my travels
    with quite a few players, liars and users. These are men in there there 40’s and 50’s. Right now I have a gentlemen who I have been
    aquanted for a year. He is a man who is sensitive but understanding
    I think I will see if he is that hero you mentioned only time will tell.
    But, that does not mean I will not continue looking for that life partner.

  19. Gayle Martin

    You hit the nail right on the head with this one, Liam. The sad truth is that the more a woman has going for her, the less desirable she is to men, because, as you’ve confirmed, the bright, successful, desirable men only want bimbos. Today’s women have an unfair choice. Become an underachiever and dumb yourself down so you can get a man, or reach your full potential, and pay the heavy price of being alone for the rest of your life. I ended up becoming the latter. I’m smart, attractive and have accomplished quite a bit, but I haven’t had so much as a date in four years. The more that I accomplish, the less men are interested in me.

  20. Nick

    I got the hint of a feminism in this article. The modern kind, not just the opportunist attitude but also the pessimistic. I don’t see what is wrong when a woman helps a man in need. Men seem to do it out of a sense of duty sometimes, and they end up getting burned. From my experience, when I go to help a woman, I would be the first but then other women would help her and leave me as an observer. This gives me a feeling like I’m not trusted. Feminism has swept the US completely, and it has gone from finding opportunities to hating men who can’t make it themselves. I don’t agree with the fact of men having to prove themselves to women. No. Not at all. Becoming a man for love makes sense for some, but not for all. Being a man means supporting everyone, man or woman. The idea that women can judge men with their ideals is fine. But a man should live up to his ideals over a woman’s for her love. Chivalry is good, but it should be practiced with judgement.

  21. Nina

    You are just the ‘bestest’ of all advisors with the historical information you always weave into explanations. Congratulations on being so well developed – you are a pure pleasure to read!

  22. Mahlatse

    It is true, I am in similar predicament. My girlfriend and I we are far apart and do not really see each other that often. But I feel like she is right next to me everywhere I go, I mean I travel a lot. I am currently studying she just does not care. She would call me a day before my exams. If I do not answer her call is a big fight. Sometimes we spend some time together a month or more thinking that she will get used to me and start hating me but it does not happen. I have been with her for four years now. I am independent and extremely hard working man. I work and studying taking ten modules per year, I literally do not have time at all, between her, work and the books I do not have a time of my own. I have been contemplating leaving. She does not bring anything positive in my life. She complains about everything all the time. She is a doctor with very rich parents, would it be the cause. I grew up alone I had to take myself to primary school all the way to the university. . I sometimes think that her parents did not go a great job in rising her. I was born in 06/09 and her on 02/11.

  23. Marjorie

    Just read your article, “Why you attract needy men.” I am a strong, professional woman whom attracts needy men, they see me as an inspiration, become better men then use all of my love, dreams, life lessons to wed another woman. How do I stop the cycle of empty nutruring?

  24. Pam Jackson

    I have always attracted needy males. but on the other hand I am suckered in by them making me feel as though I can relax and they will take care of everything. such as supporting financially.they alsop tend to charn me over by doing things to spoil me then when ia.m rwelaxed financially and think that he is a very thoughtful and caring fellow his true clors comiong shining and they are all of the opposite. Of course, I’ve already fallen in love with the fake one and spend a long time involved miserably with the real one. after it is too late to not put my heart into this man,i spend the rest of the relationship wndering and searching for the man i orginally fell in love with only to be miserably disappointed.


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