Sex Q&A: When You’re the Backup Plan

My soulmate left me and came back many times over. Will we ever have a stable and intimate relationship when I’ve only ever been the back-up plan?

Is it Really Necessary for Somebody to be Your “Soulmate”?

Robert from Rockford, Illinois asks:

My soulmate left me, came back, left me again and then came back again. Now we’re living together again, but she only loves me as a friend. Do you think that we will be intimate again?

Liam’s Response:

Hey, Robert. Thanks for writing. I see you’re a fellow Moon Child. It’s always a pleasure to hold council with one of my own kind and I hope I can offer a few insights that will help you navigate the difficult situation you find yourself in just now. We Cancers are prone to bouts of fanatical sentimentality and unchecked nostalgia. Geminis may be famous for their classic duality, but it is the Crab who is so often fragmented into a myriad of raving internal contradictions. In any case, it’s very important not only for Cancerians, but for everyone, whatever their sign, to examine their actions and reactions to situations closely and honestly without the pallor of metaphysical or new age nonsense casting vulgar shadows all over the landscape. These things mar the poetry of human experience, serving only as spiritually imagined mandates for our childish whims.

Real love has nothing to do with soulmate speculation. In your inquiry, I hear you use the term in an attempt to justify your wish to have this woman love you, as though the gods or the universe have put their stamp of approval on your desire without regard for what another human being thinks or wants. It justifies your behavior where she is concerned… After all, if this woman is your “soulmate” then it’s perfectly okay for you to make a fool of yourself. Snap out of it, man! This woman doesn’t love you. She doesn’t even hold very much in the way of true friendship for you. She’s just taking full advantage of the feelings you have for her. For her, you’re the backup plan. You’re the nice guy she hangs out with when her real love interests dump her. And your living arrangement of cohabitation minus sex is of great benefit to her at this time. She’s getting a very good deal out of all of this and you, my friend, are getting the shaft.

Personally I think you should forget all this soulmate nonsense. You’re being conned by your own pie-in-the-sky fantasies and life’s too short for that. Do yourself a big favor and let this woman go… And this time don’t bother letting her back in. You deserve better from someone who claims to be your friend. Your pain will pass as pain like this always does and you’ll be a good deal better off.


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10 thoughts on “Sex Q&A: When You’re the Backup Plan

  1. bella

    wanda, PLEASE double ck ALL bout steve rolland, that name sounded familar , I am law girl & I try 2 watch out 4 all of US single ladies OUT there , YES his name appeared / showed UP as a con artist/ scam artist , yes another legit person COULD have the same EXACT name , I wanted U just PLEASE be aware of IT/ this , & do UR home work 1 st , IF he asked U 4 any $$ 2 fly 2 see U in DWF , PLEASE RUN / walk away ASAP , BCZ YOU sound like YOU have had a lot of heart break already , ALL my best wishes 2 YOU !! ( :


    i am in love with a sagitarian who just dopped of the face of the earth…no problems, had a great relationships, disagreements settled peacefully…talked almost every minuet of the day (we were friends 2 yaers, before we fell in love) i feels like he hates me with every fiber of his being, when i finally pulled myself together enough to talk to him…i could feel the cold discussed that was almost 3 months ago….ive dated 2 other sag. who did similary the same and would call at the exact date of the 3 months…then go throught it again. will he do the same and will he stay in a commited doubtless relationship if he does call? i don’t usually feel people in anyway after i break up (like inside my heart, cause its gone….i can’t get him out of my entire being!) his birthday is dec. 4,1963 and mine is march 1,1966. i am extrememly compatable with all sag. males. i know shouldn’t be but i am and they hurt me the worst – i love them harder deeper…please help?
    thank you,

  3. Doris Tucker

    I am a leo in love with a cancer and I feel am his back up plan my birthday 08/11/1950 his is 07/06/1959. He move in he moves out back and forth we have had a friendship/relationship for 11 years.

  4. wanda

    I meet this guy facebook, he ask me to confrim hi as a friend, so I / him, we talk or aoutI beleve I is been 3weeks now he says he is having problems try to get money up to fly to DFW from afghanianitan. I want To make sure steve rolland is the man for me or walk away now., is true to his word
    Thank you
    Wanda booth

  5. Heather

    Hi Liam,
    I am trying to figure out if my boyfriend and I should move our relationship forward or end it altogether. We hve been through a lot together but I can’t tell if he reaaly wants to be with me or if he just needs/wants to be with someone? We have been talking about moving closer to his family but to do so I would be leaving mine behind. Please give me any giudents that you can.
    My name is Heather Marie Campbell, born 03-20-1983
    He is Dominic Salvator Anderson, born 10-14-1974
    let me know if you need more information.
    Thank you for your time, Bless it be,Heather Campbell.

  6. Vicky

    Hi Liam,
    What a refreshing attitude to a situation that exudes bad odor all over!
    Being a cancer myself, I am well aware of sentimentality traps, and the
    huge unchecked nostalgia – as you so elegantly put it -.

    Yes it is true that we explore the depths and widths of feelings, while feeling the bitter sweet pain for a unique Home, we have missed or not found yet. Yet the archetype
    of the perfect Home is in heavens, and we are here on Earth, to do all the
    “crappy” job required in order to grow up, grow strong, exercise common
    logic and take plain simple decisions to rid off any outmoded attitude towards
    life and towards ourselves!

    When being in love, or being good, equals being fool or perennial victim, then we
    better get rid of the sickly “love” or salacious “goodness”. It is good for no one
    in the end. Acquiring a forthright, down to earth, and crispy attitude can declutter
    our highly energetic minds, and really restore the healthy dose of vigorousness in
    our hearts! We love, and we deserve to be loved back, not in foolish ways, but in
    a manner that has upright meaning, joy, creativity, and real partnership.

    Thank you for your clarity of mind and heart.
    Greetings from Greece, Vicky

  7. Marc from the UK

    I can relate to Robert, been through something similar, however I have boundaries and would rather hurt alone than allow someone back in, I saw an ex at a party last night and I remained gentlemanly but ignored her completely , my feelings came flooding back but somehow I kept my dignity and distance, I am a caring and affectionate person and find being closed difficult, but what would it gain me being open to hurt again? She has her path and I have mine, I think we just crossed eachothers that’s all, I remember the positives and the fun but keep distant for life can never be what it was,as a psychic told me once, you have to close doors to open new ones fully, until then you will not find what you want. I have to remind myself that an old x of mine knows how to press my buttons and play me, and still to this day I get emails from her at work, all other avenues I have closed, I ignore them, if I open them and let her in I will be back at the start line , confused, angry, and hurting more. Progress isn’t progress without disciplin and self sacrifice, that means for me maintaining strength , dignity and focus. I wish Robert luck, and please reconsider your options.


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