Sex Q&A: His Moves Don’t Do It for Her

Julie said …

My new boyfriend of three months has some moves that just don’t ‘do it’ for me sexually. Problem is, he seems to think he’s really great in bed — his ex-girlfriend said she liked what he did. So why don’t his moves work for me? I’ve even pulled a ‘Meg Ryan’ a couple of times, and faked an orgasm. He tries so many positions, I feel like we’re a circus act. What do I do?

Dear Lynn,

I sense that both of you are young and somewhat sexually inexperienced. Unfortunately, young men are exposed to many visual modes of sexual expression long before they encounter any in physical reality. They end up thinking themselves knowledgeable on matters they’ve never even experienced firsthand — only seen! There is a real problem with males confusing the aesthetics of sexy television and graphic film footage with actual instruction in pleasing a woman. And obviously, ex-girlfriends who play along with their lack of experience don’t help.

To address your case specifically, there is much you can do to help the situation. First, watch the movies your man is watching with him. Point out what doesn’t actually work well in real life, and explain why. Be general and matter-of-fact, being careful not to direct this commentary at him, so you avoid wounding his ego.

Believe me, that ex-girlfriend of his did the ‘Meg Ryan’ more often than you do. Younger women are often afraid to even discuss sexual matters with their boyfriends, and that lack of honest communication doesn’t do anyone good. The women are left cold, while the guys think they’re amazing lovers — nobody wins.

Find gentle ways to let him know what pleases you. Leave him notes detailing what you would like him to do to you when you get together. Be bold and by all means be graphic. Use your vocal prowess in the bedroom … not to fake it, since that just reinforces his stupidity, but to reinforce the things you do want. If he’s doing something you aren’t into, go silent.

When he does something right, express yourself, loudly. He’ll adapt to your vocal cues without even realizing he’s doing it. Contrary to popular belief, men do really want to know what you like, but you can’t expect any of them to read your mind. Be his guide and he’ll thank you over and over again as time goes by.

Be well,


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