Sex Q&A: He Doesn’t Want Monogamy

Susan writes:

Dear Liam,

I have been having an issue with a particular man that has been involved in my life for almost three years now. The relationship was based on sex, and I continually tried to get close to him emotionally, and felt I got close a few times. He would never commit to a monogamous relationship — he was very open about his other sexual encounters — and the fact that he had no intentions of being a ‘one woman’ type of guy.

In a fit of rage, I told him to never contact me again, and we haven’t spoken since, yet I think about him all the time. And in some respect … I suppose I miss him. The sex was awesome between us, and I really do feel that we would be good for one another — if he would just open his heart to me. Am I right in cutting off communication? Why is he constantly in my thoughts? Are we meant to be together? Will we ever be? Thanks!

Susan,

Of course, you miss this man. You are in love with him. I hope you can understand, this man was only being honest with you about his needs and feelings. He wasn’t maintaining his lifestyle in order to harm you, or take advantage of you. I sense he’s lived his life in an open and sexually expressive way for many years … And the reason he will not commit himself to a more settled relationship is that few women would be willing to accept his passionate pursuits.

We are all different, with different needs and values, and this man simply isn’t happy sleeping with only one person. He has tried to alter this aspect of his nature to please another before, and it led to disaster. When he met you, he fell as much for you as you did for him — deeply, and strongly. I can see that you have a profound connection on many levels. But he was not about to mislead you, nor did he care to attempt to be someone he wasn’t. As much as he cares about you, he understands that to be false to himself is a recipe for destruction.

What I see here is that we have two people with two very different views of sexuality, and a tragic conflict between otherwise very satisfied lovers. It’s not an uncommon problem at all. In order to get a man disinclined to monogamy to commit, a woman must offer an inducement that outweighs his need to have sex with different partners outside the relationship.

Forget the notion that one partner can be all things sexually to another … it’s impossible. But what one can do is offer something that outweighs the alternative, and then threaten to take that thing away. If it sounds like a power play, that’s because it is. But it has been effective for thousands of years of human evolution. In your case, this fellow is more robust than most, a real old-world aficionado of the more amorous pursuits.

To be frank, you have some amazing attributes, but nothing that you can do will entice him to change his habits right now. However, life is all about cycles and change. Though he presently feels the need to bed many women — and he will always perhaps be prone to stray a little — I feel the next few years will bring a shift in his energy level.

He will always be a lusty man — just not so prone to roam as much, and he will become more interested in focusing himself on the fruits provided to him by a woman who accepts him for who he is. You see, the woman who will eventually have this man to herself alone, or at least close to it, will be the first one who genuinely accepts him for who he is to begin with. Think this over and then go with your heart. Many is the happy lover who trusts nature and her edicts.

Be well,

Liam

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