Sex Q&A: I Want Him Dominant

Denise writes:

I am a 40-year-old woman in a very loving relationship. John is a good lover, but I have always had certain fantasies that I’ve been hesitant to introduce into our sex life. I like the thought of him being dominant with me. John is a very conservative thinker — he’s even backwards in some areas. How can I introduce these new things into our sex life without him thinking I’m nuts?

Dear Denise,

In most relationships, there are fantasies that partners are reluctant to discuss — things from what they consider the ‘forbidden zone’ that they’ve probably never told anyone. Often, even mild forms of fantasy and fetish are subjects that inspire anxiety in communication.

In your case, I feel that even though your fellow is indeed quite conservative by nature, the situation is totally workable, because I also see that he wants to please you — and is not adverse to a little kink. In fact, I see that he’s got some ideas of his own. He just isn’t any good at communicating that sort of thing — and he’s is afraid of offending you!

To get the ball rolling, I want you to rely on the power of suggestion. When it comes to sex, men are forever curious about what is going on in your head, but most of them are always going to be too scared to ask. So, plant some ideas. Watch TV with him, and when you see a scene where a man acts in the way you’d like John to be with you, then show a reaction. A little, ‘Oh,’ with brows raised, followed with a knowing smile works well.

Or be more direct and write out your fantasies and give them to him to read. When you’re in bed, if he touches you even a little roughly, make a big deal about it. Use your voice to moan and groan. And afterwards, dole out a lot of praise for his technique. Tell him directly that you just loved it when he did x, y, and z. He’ll get the message. It’s one he’s waiting for.

Be well,


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