In our recent blog post, When is the Right Time to Move In, we explored the new rise in cohabitation before marriage. Psychic Althea ext. 9582 elaborates:
I do “not” believe that premarital cohabitation cheapens the construct of marriage. It is purely a way to experience elements of marriage without the legal additives, including the good ones like tax breaks.
Now, for people with religious precepts that forbid premarital cavorting: this may not be a good option if the grief and guilt will outweigh the bliss of being in the company of your betrothed.
I agree with AngelEyes regarding the “test drive.” It is mutually beneficial to see if your habits mesh and if you can tolerate and thrive in an environment where both folks are being authentic in the day to day routine and ritual. I believe that this initial cohabitation is a proving ground for compromise. The act of sharing a space is akin to training-wheels for decisions like marriage, commingling assets and possible baby making.
When is the right time to move in?
1. When you can’t stand not too!
2. When both partners are so excited and enthused with each other that you hate the thought of not waking up together each and every day.
3. When you want nothing more than to kiss those lips while flossing your teeth and doing the laundry.
4. When both partners can’t wait to work on common goals and share a space where they are totally exposed to the other in an open door policy where secrets are minimal or non-existent.
5. You must be on the same page with your core values. Meaning, if one partner desires monogamy then this should be the theme of the relationship.
Although each case is different, I feel very strongly that a new live-in scenario should never begin out of economic necessity. I feel that both partners should be able to economically sustain his or herself before moving in together. This advice may seem odd since in prior generations it was common for ladies to go from their parent’s home or from a college setting into a marriage where they were not expected to work outside the home. I say, “Wonderful,” if you and your partner have an agreement where only one income is needed for a blissful existence. But usually it does not begin this way in this economy.
Many good intentions go afoul over unexpected financial disasters leading to expedited timelines. The most common scenario is where folks are getting along well and one partner finds his/herself unemployed and facing eviction. The employed partner feels obligated to accept or initiate a live-in arrangement because they care about the other’s well-being, often love the intimacy… and they don’t relish appearing selfish to everyone who knows the story. Fear comes in to play as well when desperate folks may take desperate measures. Most don’t want to lose their partner to someone who may be willing to accommodate their domestic needs. This necessity, fear-driven paradigm is a breeding ground for resentments to fester.
I certainly don’t want to appear to be sucking the joy out of romantic couplings by talking about money, or the lack thereof. So what happens if you and your partner decide to move in together but suddenly, unexpectedly, one of you gets laid off? Carry on as planned if both of you are still on board — after all, this was initially not a plan devised out of necessity, but out of desire.
I believe it is compassionate and spiritually inspired when we open our hearts and homes to extend a hand in times of need. I encourage people to be open to family and friends who need temporary accommodations when suffering from medical or financial difficulties or rebuilding after sobriety.
If at all possible, ones in need should turn to family and friends and save the romantic move-in for a later time when a firm foundation may be laid to endure the imminent storms. You do not want to poison the pot by beginning a shared life together where the tables are unbalanced and fraught with uncertainly and instability.
Many Blessings to you all.