You’re Worth More Than This Coward
Simona from Ottawa, Canada asks:
I have applied what you have mentioned in your article (Sex Q&A: Trick Him to Commit), and it didn’t work for me. I really liked this guy at work, and for not sleeping with him after a couple of dates, he ended our friendship/relationship there. I really liked this guy (Arthur), and it is a bit hard to forget him. I do have hopes that, one day, he will want to get together again. I do have the feeling that he is an egocentric guy who loves himself too much. Any insight?
Greetings, Simona, and thank you for sharing. The Theater of Desire is Nature’s domain. It is wild, chaotic and untamed, and no advice, not even mine, can be applied to everyone in every situation. Humans are unique, as are each of their relationships. It is always a mistake to over-simplify the amorous process. Making love is an art, not a science. The advice I offer in these columns is meant as a blueprint only; a very basic guide based on the dance in play as each individual questioner presents it to me. The best I can do here is present a rough outline, not issue all-knowing dictums set in stone.
In my quest to advise on the perennial subject of males and commitment, I often pound my podium here, going on and on about establishing value early and pointing out the archetypal characters most likely to inspire that in the Western male mind. I do this because, for a man to wish to commit to any woman, he has to place a high value on her as a person. He must, absolutely must, be able to slide her neatly into one of his commitment-inspiring archetype-slots. But these archetypes are highly subjective, varying widely from man to man. Some men want to marry the high school cheerleader, while others want a rocker-girl to take to the altar. What is imperative… what absolutely must be established from the very first no matter the man or his “type”… is value.
Though you made the right decision to hold off on sex, I have to wonder if you actually followed all of my advice. Did you cultivate a friendship with this man before agreeing to date him on a romantic level? Friendship must come first, always, always, always. How many times did you turn him down for dates before you agreed to go out with him? If you’re going to play an archetype, then you have to play it all the way. I believe the archetype I spoke of in the article you mention was the Little Girl Lost, aka, the Wounded Vixen; aloof and tragic and untouchable. To play that role, one must cultivate friendship while turning away all romantic advances. From what I can see, this man places little value on you as a person which means he has nothing to lose by walking away. Something in this relationship wasn’t cultivated correctly right from the beginning, and I suspect it was your choice of candidates. When I look at this man, I don’t see a character suited for long-term partnership. You speak of thinking he is an egoist in love with himself. No woman should marry a man like that. How could she ever respect him? This fellow is a player, but he isn’t one of the cool ones who knows a lot about sex and is at least interesting to hang out with. This guy has sex with desperate women because he’s scared to death of any challenge. You did your job as vixen and lady fair, choosing not to sleep with him early on, but he’s too much of a coward to storm your towers. It’s better for both of you, if he just goes back to the Internet to find some lonely, frantic woman who will sleep with him on the first date. Then he can leave her and find another and so on. I believe he could be won by a truly savvy vixen. But no truly savvy vixens would want him. Do yourself a favor and be a truly savvy vixen, Simona… find yourself a nice guy.
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