Sex Q&A: Get Your Mojo Back

Tanya from Wyoming asks:

I’m married to my best friend, an amazing, kind, loving and supportive man. I couldn’t be luckier. I just can’t seem to feel my mojo anymore. Is it because I’m in my mid-forties or is there something my husband and I could be doing to help me get it back. I did have an affair that made me feel passionately alive, but I was guilt-ridden all the time, and finally this man had to end it—I’ve come out on the other side of my heartache, and I’m so grateful to still have my darling husband. I’m still left wishing for a boost to my libido, though.

Liam’s Response:

Greetings, Tanya. Our modern concept of marriage is an ideology fraught with delusion. Somehow we crazy, big-brained monkeys have made things more ridiculously complicated than they ever needed to be. Marriage is an institution not at all in sync with our natural inclinations. Pair bonds are natural. They’re utilized for survival and to maximize the chances of the progeny. However, in the case of the human primate, it’s doubtful they started out as long-term agreements. Our natural mating cycles run in direct opposition to marriage as a lifetime agreement for a few very instinctive reasons. Nature is a cruel and vicious Lady; a man’s primary drive is to conquer and impregnate. His genetic agenda IS his only real concern. In times long gone, the majority of a man’s conquests would die bearing his offspring. Just putting someone in that position suggests a definite sort of sadism at work. On the woman’s side, she seeks a mate capable of winning and subduing. Even today, she takes a huge risk for the sake of genetic expression. The dance is dangerous, and it’s essentially over as soon as consummation is complete. What reason is there for more? It can take as little as one night, though scientists put an upward spin of three years on the instinctive cycle of mating; enough to put out a few babies. After that, we naturally lose interest and seek diversity.

Considering all this, marriage is a fragile structure that often breaks apart in the face of very demanding evolutionary drives. The key to its survival is value placement. Realistically, it’s hard to maintain a primal passion for someone you live with day after day, year after year. We want to be seen as competent by our partner. We want to be respected. We need to be valued in friendship. Unfortunately, hot sex is all about consuming and devouring. It’s most fundamental component is fear and familiarity erodes that mystique. Trust and security are acquired at the expense of shadow and seduction.

Your affair was awesome, because you weren’t sleeping with your husband. By your own admission, he’s your best friend. You aren’t afraid of your best friend. He doesn’t make you shiver. He takes no risks, presents no challenge. He’s a great guy, a nice guy… And he’s the last thing on earth a woman really wants in bed. Reviving a passion gone cold is difficult, but it can be done. However, a word of warning: You have a stable, sane, respectable marriage with a good man. You think an injection of adrenalized lust will give you the perfect arrangement. But you’re wrong. Everything’s a trade-off. Anytime you move into passion, safety, security and respect will go right out the window. So prepare yourself. This isn’t for the faint of heart.

Any relationship can be fetishized, any person sexualized, if one is fluid and imaginative enough to manage it. You have to alter your perception of your husband. You have to see the predator within him and re-imagine yourself as prey. Dress the part and start playing the role. Make sex your daily bread in thought, and it will eventually become so in action. See what other women might very well see in him and become a jealous lover. Be his cheerleader. Let your guard down and get starry-eyed. Remember what it was to have a crush. Write his name in a heart with yours. Yes, it’s an act, but everything’s an act, and if you do it right, in time you’ll forget it’s an act. And don’t you dare become “offended” when he starts to treat you with less wifely respect. He sees you as a wife and mommy just as you see him as a sweet best friend and that’s the whole problem. You both need to be shaken out of this haze and awakened to your inner beasties. Tell him that you want to be his play thing. Make him tell you dirty stories, and then tell him a few. Study up on sex Goddesses, their roles and their ways. That’s a basic blueprint. You’re creative enough to figure out the rest. Most of all drop the marital restraints if you can. Let yourself be weak and honest and crazy and see where it leads.


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11 thoughts on “Sex Q&A: Get Your Mojo Back

  1. sbsteinb1suzanne

    Hi, I think this is a problem that many women struggle with, but unfortantely relationships don’t change. I don’t think she ever had a very passionate marriage. I think that dumbing yourself down and becoming a bit trashy might be a lot of fun, but it doesn’t create sparks, woman do that when they are a bit self-distructive and men always love that half crazed woman. A passionate relationships does exsist between people who value and respect eachother but that just might not be possible here. There are some constallations in life, and if it is that big of a deal buy a vibrator, and let go. A man is never the source of the problem anyways. Turning yourself on, allows you to get to know who you are, and walk away from the fantasy.

  2. Tina

    Great article and awesome advice!
    Liam, your insight is priceless and I admire your boldness in sharing the truth about the only way relationships can really survive in this jungle of life…

  3. Victor Chinweuba Freeman

    Liam is a BOMB and Athena has got a point! Absence makes the heart grow fonder….

    I think I may be in the relationship Liam described. Safety Security, Respect and sometimes trust seems to have developed wings and flew out the window. Even merely looking at another girl drives my lady so mad with jealousy. She doesn’t care when I explain to her men are visual creatures and loves to admire. Just a week apart and she come back into my arms with renewed frenzy, vigour and vitality in bed, yet she doesn’t want a baby even while she’s bearing her early thirties. Should I be worried, Liam?

  4. Aida Bon

    Liam, when I see your name you make my day. I am still waiting for an answer when your columns will be published. Love Your Big Brain Monkey…………………

  5. Michelle

    Almost all of the answers I have read so far does not have any psychic insight. It all comes from analyzing the situation and then giving a advise with an illustration of theories. Great advice, but seems anyone and not just a psychic can give.

  6. Jesi

    I’ve been exactly where this woman is and you are spot on with your advice! Thanks for helping so many people with your gift.

  7. Alijah

    how about be faithful to your husband,, Punishment is severe for being unfaithful there is no compromise. In this new time you have to pay for your karma. Wrong is wrong and dont justify. If you dont understand it, you will see it very soon. Good luck with your life.
    Best regards

  8. Athena

    Liam your article is mind blowing as usual! I bow to you once again. Just wanted to add that it might help if Tanya could “miss” her husband by maybe taking seperate vacations in her marriage. Parting does make the heart fonder. When you love someone, being away from them makes you cry which in turn makes you come together in a passionate, crazy way. It feels awesome to be crazy with your love after missing him for a time period. So Tanya, my point is MISS HIM and then love him like crazy:)


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