Sex Q&A: Don’t Get Married

If society dictates your life, Psychic Liam gives you permission to not listen. Society dictates that marriage is what we should all do with long term relationships, but it’s perfectly fine to not marry and enjoy single life. Feeling content and single is perfectly acceptable. Doing what you love is best.

The World Won’t Come to an End

Debbie from Albany, New York asks:

I was married for 13 years, and before that I was a single mother who never married my daughter’s father, but enjoyed casual relationships. I am single again and enjoying it. I felt that marriage wasn’t for me. My husband had two kids from another marriage. I stayed in the marriage even though I wasn’t happy for the last six years. Don’t get me wrong, it was nice to be able to do things as a family, marriage wasn’t all that bad, and we did have some great times. But now that my daughter is grown and I am in my mid 40s, I feel that I am free again and I’m enjoying it. I am certain I never want to get married again, and I don’t even know if I want a relationship. It’s tough financially, but I am enjoying my singledom. Is this a healthy way of thinking that I want to be single for the rest of my life, or did an unhappy marriage cause me to feel this way?

Liam’s Response:

Greetings, Debbie, and thank you for writing. I very much enjoyed this illustration of a modern woman who has walked the sadly limited paths made available by our sadly limited grasp of the romantic relationship and found the courage to claim her own understanding of happiness apart from the bleating of the moral minority. The cult of “only monogamy is normal,” with its blatant puritanism and social hypocrisy, lives in horror of a woman like yourself. The last thing they want to see is a strong, independent lady who lives by the mandates of her own body and spirit, rather than those they would force upon her. And I’m certain they’ll be out there chomping at the bit with their shadowy references to pseudo-science and reams of traditional “wisdom,” just waiting to convert you back to the fold of one woman for one man forever and ever amen. But rest assured, no matter how vocal the conservative minority might be, there are many, many independent women like you in Western culture who prefer to have casual sexual relationships… And some who prefer polyamorous relationships… And some who dig material abstinence, only ever allowing spiritual lovers into their beds… And, let’s not forget that a good portion of them aren’t heterosexual at all. The point is that human relationships come in a dizzying variety of packages, and all of them are “right” for the people who are happy in them.

You ask me if your choice is “healthy,” and that indicates to me that somewhere along the way someone told you it’s not. My advice regarding that is if you have people in your life telling you that the way you choose to live… the way that makes you comfortable and content… is “unhealthy,” then you need to eliminate those people from your life or at least sharply curtail your exposure to them. Remember, those who want to control you love to utilize methods of singular thought, reductionism and rationale bias that favor whatever belief they happen to be pushing at the moment. By insisting that there is only “one truth” in any given situation, the underlying argument inevitably becomes that there is only “one truth” period, and thus a multitude of individual truths are invalidated.

Considering the question of your marriage experience, I would say that the idea that it was unhappy is totally relative. Ask certain women in certain situations and they would probably say that your marriage was a cake walk. In looking at it myself, I don’t see it as having been particularly “bad.” It was just a marriage, no more, no less. Complete with, as you so wisely stated, good times and bad. That’s how most marriages go. It just wasn’t the situation for you. Considering the current rate of divorce in this country, it isn’t the situation for a lot of people. They just aren’t honest enough to admit it like you have. I think the real problem isn’t the experience of your marriage, but the experience of looking around every day and seeing your friends, grown women, acting like fourteen year old girls, joining dating sites and monitoring Facebook looking for the “right one” and having relationships; most of which never work out. Nine times out of ten, the ones who are married are miserable, living in emotional squalor, one step away from having an affair out of sheer boredom, because the marriage they’re in doesn’t at all resemble the story book nonsense they are fed by magazines and Hollywood. The more a woman like you refuses to conform, the more abstract her erotic or romantic nature, the more they label her a mutation who must be annihilated. So they come to you, articles, studies and friendly advice in hand, feeling oh-so-badly for poor, lonely Debbie. Don’t you miss having a man? Aren’t you looking forward to marrying again one day? Yeah, right. True happiness often means learning how to live outside the cozy boundaries of social convention. So don’t fall for the illusions. You’re doing just fine.

Liam

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10 thoughts on “Sex Q&A: Don’t Get Married

  1. jane

    TO MARK
    thanks Mark for your hopeful kindness!!! Havent had an affair yet though, close but not. The hurt and havoc it would cause has me stuck, and the love I still feel for hubby, its rooted, but not in love with him anymore, but he deserves my full respect and for that my soul is tortured, but I guess where I was heading was gonna hurt my loved ones so much, that it is utterly impossible, I have in the last 2 years cried more than in my whole life, and wondered at the hard lessons that I need to learn, and as a me me person, I guess one of the lessons is stop being selfish, dont hurt the ones I love and be in awe as to the fact, even as middle age is here, its never too late to learn life lessons, the person I feel feelings for, feels as I do, deeply stuck in a marriage, with no excitement, no buzz etc., but he also knows, we met and connected for a reason, but not to be together, just to teach us about ourselves, so we both fight the feelings, its tough, but spoilt selfish people dont always get what they want or need, and we will be ok I am sure of this, the future is good, hard to face, but good. I thought I could go ahead and do it, when I am with him, I forget all of the damage it could and would cause, and it didnt feel wrong? Thats why I cannot get my head around it being ‘wrong’ but society says it is, so….. ahhh well, I now know, yes marry, but you have capabilites in you, to love more than one person, and its a shame but it is not allowed, and must stay hidden!!!! Good lesson learned. Thanks for your kind words though, and I wish you so much good luck in your future, be happy!!!

    Reply
  2. Marc from the UK

    MESSAGE TO JANE! I can relate to you and your journey, we have also to remember that in the olden days of times past that people got together to survive, drought, famine, cold, shelter, it was a pack animal society, however times have changed, we live longer, and as such relationships are under I believe more mental stress than times past, I scarificed my happiness mentally and physically I went without to raise three children, I earned there love and respect, but at times it nearly broke me, in the end I could give no more but stayed around long enough to make sure they were grown and self supporting, I had an affair and that saved me spiritually, it lasted a long time, I felt a wave of a new purpose in life and something that wa mine and mine alone to saviour, I am not by any means saying have that or do that, but there comes a point when your spirit is exhausted and it needs me time! My affair was just a key to a new door, not th end journey, my life has altered I am alone but feeling liberated and learning so much, I miss many things we had, but we cannot have it all, I am pragmatic and believe we should find the positives we did have and use them as tools to a new start. We will have hurts and regrets as well as happiness and new adventures. Its your soul, your journey, no one should hold back anyone, we let our kids grow, why can’t we go? Good luck. Mark

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  3. Aimee

    Aho Liam!
    In~Joy what is real not what is being sold as illusion. Some women are here to love men, not just one man. ;)

    Reply
  4. Sherri

    Thank you. I very much appreciate Liam’s perspectives and this one hit close to home.
    I’ve been struggling with this issue for years, feeling like it was me–I had something wrong with me because of my past abuse, blah, blah, blah…But now, at age 41, I’m beginning to see that I am just walking my own path. Yes, I do see my single friends acting like those 14-year-olds and I did too not so long ago.
    I have had a young lover (19 years younger than me) for almost a year now and have struggled to accept COMPLETELY that this was right for me. And of course, I have the judgments of others constantly in the background.
    Now I’m beginning to allow myself to accept that perhaps this IS right for me! This non-traditional arrangement has many benefits for both of us. And the more I give him space and acceptance, the deeper the love becomes.

    Reply
  5. athena

    Wow! Amazing article Liam. I hope I get to meet you in person one day because you remind me of my beloved father. He like you was a big advocate of inner truths which go beyond the limiting social conventins and fearful illusions of the masses. My advice to Debbie is to be attentive to her unconscious by follwing the messages in her dreamscape. I am in my mid forties as well and can totally relate to her inquiry. My spiritual lovers are Krishna and Mars. They manifest in physical form as well. Thanks to The Great Divine! Debbie, follow what your body desires, and you will not be disappointed. You are a sensual woman, and the lovers you desire will bring you blissful peace and happiness. Like my father used to say Have The Courage To Love Without Boundaries!

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  6. Bonita

    Liam, I always like your insight into controversial questions; sometimes it strikes an old moral bone….but makes me think of other possibilities or helps me understand the differences in human nature.

    Reply
  7. jane

    That is such a good article, and that lady is not alone, there are loads of others out there, I have been married 25 years, and I always say if he died in the morning I would never go do it again, and thats after a good marriage….. Women lose themselves, raising kids and doing whats expected of them. I know I lost me, they are old enough now to manage without me, and so now I can be me again, if you know what I mean, I dont regret mine, but with choice, I would NEVER again, and I do believe its not normal to have to be with the same person till the end of time, I so wish I could fly and be free to love again, cos I hate the ownership qualities marriage gives people. MY WIFE is a statement that drives me into orbit, my anything, as a person we belong to ourselves alone, we are born individuals, and die as such, but when one is married its hard cos so many other beings to cater for in it, husband and kids, that one gets sacrificed It sounds cruel and nasty, and my friends dont get it, and alas because of the narrow minded thinking around us, open loving is not an option, wish there were more men about that think like Liam, because I have a funny feeling that I am not the only woman in the world that got lost in mainstream marriage crap, and I have been fighting its bounds since the day I did it!!! lol, I wouldnt change the marriage Ive had either, its been good to now, mostly, no fighting drinking or affairs, but its getting stale, and boring and we are not the same 2 people we were back in the days, and now I would like to play out, but still love who I have. Guess it doesnt make sense, I rarely do, except to me, born free, die free, live free. Love all your articles Liam, love your free thinking, must shock loads of people??x

    Reply

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