Sex Q&A: Divorcee Seeks Soulmate

Karen writes:

I’d like to know how to attract my soulmate. I’m divorced and have been single for three years. I’ve tried online dating, bars, and recently I’ve moved out of the “family” home, which was in the woods in remote area (I have three older children who are well taken care of and I see them every day) to an apartment in the city. What am I doing wrong? What should I be doing differently, than what I’m already doing? I take excellent care of myself and look fantastic. I think some times that that is my problem. I look unattainable? I’m thinking of joining the online dating service again, but better yet should I be meditating instead on whether I’m ready to give and receive love?

Liam’s Response:

Thank you, Karen, for your inquiry. Let me begin by reiterating that, as many know, I am not an advocate of the soulmate theory. Though there may be many who find comfort in this notion, I am convinced that people would do far better for themselves by reading the classics of literature and studying poetry than indulging in such a painful and pointless pursuit.

Please don’t fall for the lie that there is something missing in your “Self” or that there is some magical passport to contentment that exists outside your own heart. I fear that you are on a dangerous road, and the path you are taking is one that will end in much loneliness if you are not careful. I see that you are one of the mystical ones who seeks the answers to many questions about life — but you are looking for them outside yourself. Somewhere you got the idea that someone else holds the key to your happiness and that lonely, incomplete feeling you have deep within can actually be filled by another person. You are prepared to dive right in and find a ‘spiritual’ answer even though you don’t know the truth of your Self yet. Meditating on bringing love into your life won’t do you any good. Meditate on opening the inner doors that lead to the kingdoms of your own mind. This is where the true Self resides. And this is there that your journey must begin if it is ever to end successfully.

Believe me when I tell you that no woman is deemed “unattainable” by men. Any woman who is attractive and self-confident will be seen as a challenge and prize by strong men of substance. It isn’t that men see you as “out of their league” but that they sense you are one of those women who is desperately looking for “the one.” And no man ever wants to be “the one,” not at first anyway, often not for years. Men like to be rogues and pirates. Or at least they like to see themselves this way. And they like to think that’s how women see them too. Few of them are out looking to be someone’s “soul mate.” If you do find a fellow of this sort, be careful. Very likely it’s a line he’s using to get you into bed fast, and then he’ll be out looking for his next “soul mate” at the local yoga class or elsewhere.

Let me be very blunt. You are not ready for what you seek, and don’t worry most aren’t either. This is why modern relationships are often disasters from the start. Your marriage left you very damaged, and despite your apparent confidence, I detect that in reality you are anything but sure of yourself. You can’t have any kind of good relationship until you are solid in yourself, and have the inner strength to handle such a passionate interaction. In fact, you’d do well to take an entire year and not date at all. You do need to meditate but not in the way you are doing it. Find forms of meditation that encourage unions of the conscious and unconscious mind. A breath-oriented meditation for Pranayama is crucial to that union for example.

I sense that during your marriage, learning who you really are was never an option. Now, is your time. Focus on your own growth and education. Take up creative endeavors. Writing, dancing, music, all have a Yoga of their own sensual sort. If it is Love that interests you then delve deeply into erotica and the sacred spirit of sexuality. Love is a game that is perilous and gorgeous. And the key to winning the game is your own knowledge of yourself. When you’ve regained your strength and are proud and strong just being you, then you will be ready. Then men will come seeking you, and it is they who will have to be careful.
Be well.


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