Your boyfriend is an accomplished lover and wants you to explore a more open sexual relationship, but you hesitate. Do you not trust him or yourself? What would happen if you liked it? Psychic Liam explores the answers to these questions in one reader’s scenario.
Connect to Your Inner Sex Diva
Laurelle from San Francisco, California asks:
My boyfriend calls me his goddess and wraps me in his creative, amazing, powerful and loving erotic energy. We’ve known and worked with each other for many years, and we finally got together about two and a half years after my husband died. It felt like I was being reborn into who I was always meant to be and who I had sequestered away during the many years of marriage.
My boyfriend has a history of living the lifestyle, swinger parties and sex clubs. The only other girlfriend I know of was/is a friend of mine who broke up with him over fifteen years ago. Whenever another woman in his life comes into conversation he always says, “She wasn’t my girlfriend.” So I guess they were sex friends. We’re finally starting to talk about it. I let him know it makes me feel insecure when I think about going to parties or clubs where everyone is having sex with people they barely know. He says he doesn’t even think about it anymore and nothing could be better than what we have. But he’ll take me to demystify it. We can just go to watch and leave when I want to. Then he said it would turn him on to watch me have sex with another man. It would give him a sense of power knowing that I’m his and coming back to him. So that gave me an erotic fantasy, but I can’t let go of feeling scared of him having sex with another woman. So I keep playing it over and over in my head. What do you suggest I do to settle my anxiety?
Greetings and thank you for such a fascinating inquiry. The term “anxiety” is an apt one for you to use in this case, because what you are feeling is not actually “fear.” Not in the natural or primal sense of the word anyway. It has nothing to do with instinct or the drive for survival. It’s merely a mind-induced replica; a sort of queasy panic that has no true merit or vital substance. In the voice of your concerns, I hear two or three very specific and deeply ingrained social memes; ideas drummed into you by culture, religion and authority. They urge you to define the most indefinable of things. To fit your every relationship and emotion into its own rigid little box with a clearly printed label on top. But in the purest energy of our existence, to define is always to limit.
When I look at him, this man you are with, he reminds me of the man from Mars in Robert Heinlein’s Stranger in a Strange Land. I see in him a man who understands the alchemical nature of existence. His past has given him an exquisite education in love making; a delicate and frantic form of enlightenment that graces many in the subterranean tribal movements that pulse just below the surface of our socially ingrained servitude. He knows that the slavery of perception can be eradicated because he has done it himself through exploration, pleasure and the breaking of taboos. But it can only be done by embracing the body over the mind. You speak of people who barely know each other having sex, and this makes you feel insecure. I hear the veiled judgment in your words. This may be hard for you to understand, but one adept at love, one who knows the body and its energies, will know more about their partner in a few moments of “having sex” with them than a vanilla-type might ever discover in years of being married to that same person. The blinders come off when the mind gives way to the flesh. Rationalization bows to instinct. And fear is embraced because love in terror is our purest ally in nature.
This man is not like anyone else in your world, but I see that he does indeed love you. He’s making an attempt to fit himself into your lifestyle now, because he believes you’re worth the effort. But he’s also opening certain doors, trying to give you the hint that if he’s going to meet you half way, then perhaps you might wish to reciprocate. Fair is fair, after all. He’s being very gentle, but his invitation to take you to a club is made in the hope that you might like some of what you see there. And his admission of his fantasy for you to make love to another man, is a great confession; a gesture of genuine love.
My advice? You are more than the memes you have been taught to honor; more than the stagnant ideals and definitions of society. You have found a rare mate who wants to lead you in a remarkable dance… Why not give it a try? We are gone from this earth very quickly. Do you want to spend what time you are given worrying, or living? Choice is yours.
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