Sex Q&A: Become a Sex Goddess

Embrace Your Exotic Nature

Maria from San Lorenzo, California asks:

My partner said he prefers that I don’t ask for any specific move or touch while we make love. He also rather I not be so vocal with words. Is he trying to control me or is he trying to lead me to let go of control? Will this lead to better intimacy or a smoldering of my free expression? I love him, but fear what I am getting into.

Liam’s Response:

Maria, thank you so much for writing with such an interesting inquiry. When I look at you in this situation, you appear to me to be very passionate, even animalistic. And I think it was bound to happen that you would chance across a fellow who can’t quite understand or tolerate your erotic nature. It’s a shame this man can’t just allow himself to be engulfed by your body and spirit, because I see that, on a rudimentary level, he’s very enamored of you. Unfortunately, he hasn’t quite reached that place of utter worship, or he wouldn’t be trying to fetter you with such silly restrictions. No matter. If you have the time and the patience, you and I can break him free of his patriarchal restraints. He’ll love us for it later.

I don’t believe for a second this man is being controlling in order to foster some heightened experience of desire for either of you. He’s not that imaginative. What he is, is a victim of the extreme fanaticism of body/pleasure denial. To me, he feels particularly divorced from his own sensations, and he operates on a fraction of his true emotional awareness. His requests reek with the terror of female sexuality and a badly suppressed bi-sexuality. I believe at some point in his early youth he had a homoerotic encounter with a boy a few years older that left him very confused and terrified of being shunned by his family and friends. He’s into women because he’s not really gay, but he is repressing homoerotic desires… controlling them like he now feels he must control you. You’ve got your hands full with this one indeed, and many would tell you that you’d be better off heading for the hills, but I sense that you really don’t want to.

So, if you’re going to stay and try to work things out, what should you to do? Well, I would advise engaging him in some very deep ritual play. This poor fellow really needs to release some inner turmoil, and he’s just too messed to confront certain things directly. That’s where you come in. Very subtly, start changing your archetype a bit. It would be great for you to go totally Lady Caroline Lamb as a page boy, but for now, just cut your hair. Short. Wear more masculine, tailored outfits. If you dare, ask him his thoughts on anal sex and encourage some interludes involving it. Do guy things with him like watching football. What you want is for him to start equating your energy with more masculine attributes in order to create a sort of bridge for his repressed desires. The ultimate goal here is to take him to a point where he lets you feminize him, so he can get the estranged parts of himself back into some kind of vibrational harmony. In the alternative world “Pegging” is a fetish where a woman dons a phallic object and penetrates a man. You’ve a long way to go with him before he submits to that, but perhaps someday. Until then, lead him gently down the road to wholeness. When he dominates, demands control or tries to stifle you… ask him why. Where does it come from? What is he so afraid of? Ask him those questions, and see if just the asking doesn’t sow the seeds of later understanding. And most of all, don’t give up on him.

Liam

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22 thoughts on “Sex Q&A: Become a Sex Goddess

  1. Dove

    I always love reading Liam’s enlightened responses…what a man! lol. I must say that this particular answer threw me a little, as I would not immediately think of repressed homo erotic fantasies as an issue. Be that as it may, I tend to agree with Dianne Crane. These issues must be addressed by Maria’s man first. She may love him, but it is not her responsibility to balance or rectify his sexual shortcomings. All that effort without any guarantee of success. He should seek the cousel of a qualified professional, or else go out and fulfill his bi sexual fantasies himself, without suppressing the gorgeous Maria erotically beautiful sexuality. How stifling for her…and what a huge burden to try and mould the man into an acceptable lover. Girl, go out and find a hot blooded lover who will lap up your erotic prowess and make you scream in the bedroom. Your guy is not for you, as much as it may hurt. He will destroy your sexual desire and frustrate the heck outta of you until you resent him. You are a W O M A N! Emasculating yourself to fix his issues is totally unnatural for you. MOVE on sister ….

    Reply
  2. LadyRestraint

    Liam is dead on. I doubt very much that this man is truly dominant, and will, in the end, want to relinquish having control all the time.

    I think this advice accurate. He needs help.

    Reply
  3. Geovanni

    I don’t always comment on things like this but it an interesting read. Now the man may have some issues but I don’t wholeheartedly agree with the bisexual concept. If the idea is being animalistic, how much more can it be with a person who doesn’t speak but moans when its right and moves, twist, an thrust to emphasize the situation?
    I assume the guy has some issues of talking in bed and maybe is looking for you to eg: grab his hand and put it where you want to have it rather than asking him to do it.
    Here’s to hoping your relationship works out to the both of your satisfaction and pleasure

    Reply
  4. jaymae

    i always wanted ,to hve a control about it not that the extent that you will be the one leadin him to his heaven…o god.what a man ? you better leave him and find other man who lead you to your heaven not to his heaven…

    Reply
  5. Angel

    Better to let him take lead than not at all. Ever heard a man lay next to you but naked month after month and never take lead, but after its ok, and swears on his mothers grave there is no one else. Makes you feel unwanted.

    Reply
  6. Joan

    What do you do for a woman who gives you sexual inuendoes constantly that you are too shy to even kiss? We are both with someone else yet we want to try each other. I don’t know if I could do that to her husband or my fgirlfriend.

    Reply
  7. dorothy

    I would like to be wanted by this man very much but he is so
    cold in the touch area ( hands,arms waist ect.) Its almost as if he’s afraid of me or a reltionship (sexual) for that matter
    Please what’s your oppinion of what’s happening here.

    Reply
  8. phyllis

    forget him! He isn’t for you. He is a grown man, and you aren’t going to change him before he breaks you.
    You are the sex goddess, find an adoring sexy partner.
    I am an older women speaking from years of experience

    Reply
  9. stephanie

    HI LIAM I HAVE NEVER BEEN INVOLVED WITH A YOUNGER MAN UNTIL NOW, I AM BEGGING TO HAVE STRONG FEELINGS FOR HIM, AND I THINK HE DOES FOR ME ALSO I AM 20 YEARS OLDER THAN HE IS,I AM A BIT OLD FASHIONED AND SHY WHEN IT COME TO SEX,I HAVE NEVER HAD ANAL SEX AND HE DID MENTION IT HOW CAN I HANDLE THIS,ALSO ANY ADVICE ON THE AGE DIFFERENCE, I KNOW AGE IS A SOCIETY THING HOW CAN I OVER COME THIS,HOW DO I SHOW ABOUT MY EMOTIONS AND ANIMAL INSTINCT, I WOULD LOVE TO HAVE EROTIC SEX WITH HIM, CAN YOU ADVISE HOW DO I GO ABOUT THIS?

    Reply
  10. Reed x 5105Reed x 5105

    I agree with Liam and would add that the man being discussed here is missing an incredible facet of sex. When we listen to our lovers, we learn exactly how to best please them – information that most people actively seek and value as priceless.

    Someone who turns down this information could be unconcerned about his partner’s pleasure, or so insecure about his performance that he interprets directions as indicators that what he was already doing wasn’t pleasing.

    I agree with Liam and put this man in the insecure category. He sometimes takes your suggestions, Maria, as criticisms and sometimes he is fantasizing about men. Hearing your feminine voice at that moment is a great incongruity and disrupts his fantasy world.

    Following Liam’s advice should help you to help this man heal and face his own sexual nature.

    Best wishes to you,
    Reed 5105

    Reply
  11. Maya

    My husband likes me in control in bed all the time.. He expects me to make the moves all the time.. I want him to come on strong to me,, how to make that happen.. need advice.. Thanks

    Reply
  12. Karel

    Ahh Liam you are such a sweetheart. Always enjoy your twist & guidance on such subjects. “And most of all don’t give up on him” … Just melted my heart. And confirms my feelings on a special little “project” of mine.

    Reply
  13. Melissa

    Ive been married for 7 years, My husband is a good man. Very sexual, I am not so much. Not saying hes not good,but I never climax unless I do it myself. When I fantasize, it’s always a woman I’m thinking of but I’ve never been physical with one. I have a friend, I am pretty sure she is into me, but shes younger than me. Hubby knows about my curiousity, I want to be more openly sexual, but I’m shy.. any advice?

    Reply
  14. blondie

    Liam, he may not be motivated that way. Some men are very uninterested in that approach, and tend to want to dominate, and don’t have a feminine side. If a man wants to take charge, he won’t want a feminine side,and he could be looking for more controlling sex. I think she should ask him more questions about his fantasy life, before concluding your suggestion is the right approach. One of my lovers had a fantasy about me being a slut, pulling my hair, spanking me. Zero feminine inclinations. Another was a weight lifter who found anal painful, all that muscle you know.

    If he is Dominant, your advice is totally wrong, and she could be playing with fire. Why not bring the subject up? Let him share his fantasies, and she’ll know if she wants to play that way? Sexual compatability means finding a common sexual playground, not visiting one you don’t like, and perhaps never will.

    When sex isn’t mutually agreeable, a couple is doomed. Why waste time and emotional energy being somewhere you don’t want to be?

    Reply
  15. sex and insults

    My husband wants sex twice a day but when i tell him i want to b in control he pretends he is not listening. we have been mairried for two years and the situation is still the same. And lately i dont want sex anymore, we have sex and later insults me about whatever. help!!!

    Reply
  16. sopharee

    I love to read this however I think the answer is completly wrong how did you come up with that like, it was a simple question how the heck you came up with him being gay. I just think hes just not that type thats into saying alot while having sex !!!

    Reply
  17. Diane Crane

    Unfotunately, a lot of men are weird in the United States at this time. I would even say they are mentally ill. I would say to this woman, “How much time are you willing to waste on this person?” Why do so many men, in what is still a big, rich country have all these issues? And why, Liam, are you asking this lady to make all the personal changes? That’s far more than I’d be willing to do. This guy needs to visit a disinterested third party.

    Reply

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