Embrace Your Exotic Nature
Maria from San Lorenzo, California asks:
My partner said he prefers that I don’t ask for any specific move or touch while we make love. He also rather I not be so vocal with words. Is he trying to control me or is he trying to lead me to let go of control? Will this lead to better intimacy or a smoldering of my free expression? I love him, but fear what I am getting into.
Maria, thank you so much for writing with such an interesting inquiry. When I look at you in this situation, you appear to me to be very passionate, even animalistic. And I think it was bound to happen that you would chance across a fellow who can’t quite understand or tolerate your erotic nature. It’s a shame this man can’t just allow himself to be engulfed by your body and spirit, because I see that, on a rudimentary level, he’s very enamored of you. Unfortunately, he hasn’t quite reached that place of utter worship, or he wouldn’t be trying to fetter you with such silly restrictions. No matter. If you have the time and the patience, you and I can break him free of his patriarchal restraints. He’ll love us for it later.
I don’t believe for a second this man is being controlling in order to foster some heightened experience of desire for either of you. He’s not that imaginative. What he is, is a victim of the extreme fanaticism of body/pleasure denial. To me, he feels particularly divorced from his own sensations, and he operates on a fraction of his true emotional awareness. His requests reek with the terror of female sexuality and a badly suppressed bi-sexuality. I believe at some point in his early youth he had a homoerotic encounter with a boy a few years older that left him very confused and terrified of being shunned by his family and friends. He’s into women because he’s not really gay, but he is repressing homoerotic desires… controlling them like he now feels he must control you. You’ve got your hands full with this one indeed, and many would tell you that you’d be better off heading for the hills, but I sense that you really don’t want to.
So, if you’re going to stay and try to work things out, what should you to do? Well, I would advise engaging him in some very deep ritual play. This poor fellow really needs to release some inner turmoil, and he’s just too messed to confront certain things directly. That’s where you come in. Very subtly, start changing your archetype a bit. It would be great for you to go totally Lady Caroline Lamb as a page boy, but for now, just cut your hair. Short. Wear more masculine, tailored outfits. If you dare, ask him his thoughts on anal sex and encourage some interludes involving it. Do guy things with him like watching football. What you want is for him to start equating your energy with more masculine attributes in order to create a sort of bridge for his repressed desires. The ultimate goal here is to take him to a point where he lets you feminize him, so he can get the estranged parts of himself back into some kind of vibrational harmony. In the alternative world “Pegging” is a fetish where a woman dons a phallic object and penetrates a man. You’ve a long way to go with him before he submits to that, but perhaps someday. Until then, lead him gently down the road to wholeness. When he dominates, demands control or tries to stifle you… ask him why. Where does it come from? What is he so afraid of? Ask him those questions, and see if just the asking doesn’t sow the seeds of later understanding. And most of all, don’t give up on him.
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