Should You Throw a Fit if He Wants a Threesome With Another Man?
Mary from Scranton, Pennsylvania asks:
You offer great insight to human behavior. I seek your input. It seems I cast reality aside when I listened to the professions of a man wanting to marry me. Prior to our marriage he disclosed that his deceased wife had lead them down a swinging road. She engaged in both hetero and homosexual relationships outside their marriage, as well as a male-female-male threesome inside their bedroom. He added that this was a past life and one he was no longer interested in. I responded by telling him that this lifestyle would never be for me. For a few years our marriage was not without challenges but our relationship was respectful. That is until he began to suggest, obsess and finally become resentful that I refused to have a threesome. Needless to say, I’ve left and filed for divorce. I don’t believe he loved me for who I am. So I ask you, Liam, what’s his deal? Why was it so important to him that another man join us? If it was solely for my pleasure, my declination should have been enough. But this was all about him, wasn’t it?
In the old days we had priestesses in our temples, we had orgiastic spiritual practices and erotic festivals. Today, we have women stripped of their primal essence and sexual power and very few of them know a thing about reclaiming it. You included. You hail from a vanilla world of harmless, watered-down sex and you married a man who had been baptized into the ways of sexual liberation. Did you really believe it would be so easy to change him? The fundamental aspects of a person, especially the sexual ones, never just “go away.” Aspects are imprints, and they never die. Sexual preference isn’t like political affiliation—it can’t be changed on a whim by getting a different registration card. Once these forces of nature are conjured forth by a knowing and powerful female like this man’s former wife, nothing for him can ever be the same.
But don’t pretend to be the unwitting fool. I sense this man came to you in a vulnerable state. He has never really got over the death of his first wife, but all people need companionship and affection. In you he thought he’d found a true friend. He could see you had certain control issues so he attempted to adjust himself accordingly. That was a mistake. For you took this man who had lost his wife, who confessed to a past full of open sexuality, and expected him to go forward on your terms. It was an unfair power play on your part. You saw his love for his dead wife coupled with the perilous gift she gave him and you made it your mission to eradicate her from his life with an insistence on sexual repression. It was an exercise in self-validation: He must love me more than he loved her because now he plays by MY rules. You put a leash on him, gave him a snack and a pat on the head and told all your friends of the ribald past he’d forsaken to please you. The insinuation being that you had broken that terrible woman’s spell.
What I find saddest in all this is that you actually filed for divorce. Do we live in such a throw away society that a disagreement over fetish and desire within the bedroom is grounds for tossing everything else aside? I suppose we do. I look at the situation and I truly believe the two of you could have managed some sort of compromise. His resentment was childish but you could have been a big enough person to at least explore where that resentment came from. Sex can be such a conduit for pain, for release, for utter catharsis. Your husband was absolutely not honest with you but the bigger tragedy is that he wasn’t honest with himself. He wanted love so much and thought so highly of you, that he sold his soul and pretended to be something he wasn’t. For that, now, you both suffer. Do what you will from this point, but please, in the future, be more aware of your own power trips. And when people reveal issues of their past, listen very carefully. Sexual issues are the most ardent and potent issues of the inner self. They are things you’ve no right to expect to alter. And you’re foolish to believe otherwise.
Do you have a question for Liam? Ask Liam your question now.