Sex Q&A: Are You Bored in Bed?

Becky asks:

Liam, you are so open and honest. I feel I have learned so much from you already. I love my husband, and am committed to him deeply, but I married him before I discovered my sexual being. I was afraid of it, didn’t know what I liked, or how often. Now that I am on that road to discovery, I find he is not with me. He seems comfortable and happy with where we are… how do I move forward while still respecting him and his desires? I’ve never thought about myself, and now it feels selfish to do so… I’m confused and frustrated. Please help?

Liam’s Response:

Thank you so much for writing. I will certainly do my best help with this troubling situation. Your question really is very typical in theme. Yet whenever we delve deeper beneath the surface of emotions and motives, we find such rich soil. Nothing ‘typical’ at all below the veneer of socially imposed self. I have advised many women in your situation, and I’ve recommended many different forms of liberation, extraction and abandon… But there’s a big difference between one who comes to me in the throes of desperation so dire they fear they might very well collapse under the weight of their torment and one who comes to me because she’s bored to tears with her marriage.

In other words, you aren’t being consumed by a passion. You aren’t overwhelmed by a need for some other lover. You’re just bored. I think a lot of women want to have the life of Anais Nin; to experience that kind of odyssey of self-exploration and sexual liberation. But very few of them could handle the fever that devoured that great writer. Many, like you, fall more in line with Flaubert’s character Emma Bovary. Your husband is no longer to your liking. You believe yourself to be growing while he is not. You crave excitement and think he has no taste for it. This just sounds like most marriages to me. Couples who stay together long enough will have sexual lulls, glitches, and sometimes even a complete loss of desire. Though you dress it up, describing it the way your eyes see it, your complaint is pretty much universal to every long term relationship everywhere.

My question is, are you talking to your husband about any of this or are you expecting him to read your mind? It’s true that your man is rather routine oriented. Most men are. But he’s also a man. Sexually speaking, he’s going to be pretty easily led. A man will do almost anything a woman asks of him in the bedroom, if he’s healthy in mind and body. So, start leading a bit. At the end of the day, you aren’t going to change someone with wishes. It probably won’t even work to tell him directly. What you have to do is lead by example. That means changing yourself first. Go ahead with that expansion you want so much on your own. Sexualize your life by exploring erotic literature, art and music. Change your wardrobe to reflect your new sexual role with soft materials and slinky tailoring. Find your own zones of pleasure with some solo masturbation missions.

You don’t need a partner to have great sex. Start an erotic journal and give some life to your fantasies. Keep your body toned and tuned for action with yoga, zumba, belly dance or some other exotic dance classes. Flirt with your husband and don’t be afraid to be naughty with him sometimes just for fun. When you two do have sex, take command. I sense that you’re missing the boat here, because your husband really desires a strong female presence. He’ll be much happier under your command. Start slow with this and don’t startle him right out of the gate. Just guide his hands on your body and respond vocally to whatever he does that pleases you. Use female dominant positions and if he starts to complain a little, tell him he just might get spanked if he isn’t careful. Mean it. It’s time to take charge.


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7 thoughts on “Sex Q&A: Are You Bored in Bed?

  1. Job Oduor

    since sex cames from the mind it is good to tell your man what you feel and remember to say it at the correct time when he is in the mood of having you.Rimind he of the best days and ask him to try something new that makes you feel it.

  2. anonomous

    But what happens if your just not intersted @ all,then what.He gets very frusturated and upset. Is there something wrong with me.

  3. alicia

    I totally agree with what Liam is saying. Sometimes you must take the lead in the relationship, especially in the bedroom. Men do not know what your needs are unless you show them, and most really do not feel that sense of satisfaction from sex if they have not pleased their partner. They are eager to feel the power behind their having pleased you totally, and are open to anything to do so.

  4. Rose Cocca

    but the word is trust….being married is wonderfull..because you both in love and are commimt to one other…being married i ever had in my life…no one csn go without sex..that is in possble that is a what makes a married perfect…people can have a good sex life..if they try…

  5. Rose Cocca

    sex in a married is sometimes comes on slow but than we get into it…as far not getting along i do get is all misunderstanding…i not meant to hurt..him…getting back to bedroom my question..would a man look for sex on the out side if he not his bedroom? that is somthing i cant handle..i can handle anything but that…i would feell not like a women at all…i would feel i am degrading…knowing he is seeing another women blows my mind….

  6. Devyn ext 5303

    Hi Liam,

    This is a great article! In my opinion honesty and openness are essential for having a great sex life. I loved your line ” My question is, are you talking to your husband about any of this or are you expecting him to read your mind?” Far too often we expect our partners to do just that. Speak up and watch things sizzle 🙂


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