Liam, you are so open and honest. I feel I have learned so much from you already. I love my husband, and am committed to him deeply, but I married him before I discovered my sexual being. I was afraid of it, didn’t know what I liked, or how often. Now that I am on that road to discovery, I find he is not with me. He seems comfortable and happy with where we are… how do I move forward while still respecting him and his desires? I’ve never thought about myself, and now it feels selfish to do so… I’m confused and frustrated. Please help?
Thank you so much for writing. I will certainly do my best help with this troubling situation. Your question really is very typical in theme. Yet whenever we delve deeper beneath the surface of emotions and motives, we find such rich soil. Nothing ‘typical’ at all below the veneer of socially imposed self. I have advised many women in your situation, and I’ve recommended many different forms of liberation, extraction and abandon… But there’s a big difference between one who comes to me in the throes of desperation so dire they fear they might very well collapse under the weight of their torment and one who comes to me because she’s bored to tears with her marriage.
In other words, you aren’t being consumed by a passion. You aren’t overwhelmed by a need for some other lover. You’re just bored. I think a lot of women want to have the life of Anais Nin; to experience that kind of odyssey of self-exploration and sexual liberation. But very few of them could handle the fever that devoured that great writer. Many, like you, fall more in line with Flaubert’s character Emma Bovary. Your husband is no longer to your liking. You believe yourself to be growing while he is not. You crave excitement and think he has no taste for it. This just sounds like most marriages to me. Couples who stay together long enough will have sexual lulls, glitches, and sometimes even a complete loss of desire. Though you dress it up, describing it the way your eyes see it, your complaint is pretty much universal to every long term relationship everywhere.
My question is, are you talking to your husband about any of this or are you expecting him to read your mind? It’s true that your man is rather routine oriented. Most men are. But he’s also a man. Sexually speaking, he’s going to be pretty easily led. A man will do almost anything a woman asks of him in the bedroom, if he’s healthy in mind and body. So, start leading a bit. At the end of the day, you aren’t going to change someone with wishes. It probably won’t even work to tell him directly. What you have to do is lead by example. That means changing yourself first. Go ahead with that expansion you want so much on your own. Sexualize your life by exploring erotic literature, art and music. Change your wardrobe to reflect your new sexual role with soft materials and slinky tailoring. Find your own zones of pleasure with some solo masturbation missions.
You don’t need a partner to have great sex. Start an erotic journal and give some life to your fantasies. Keep your body toned and tuned for action with yoga, zumba, belly dance or some other exotic dance classes. Flirt with your husband and don’t be afraid to be naughty with him sometimes just for fun. When you two do have sex, take command. I sense that you’re missing the boat here, because your husband really desires a strong female presence. He’ll be much happier under your command. Start slow with this and don’t startle him right out of the gate. Just guide his hands on your body and respond vocally to whatever he does that pleases you. Use female dominant positions and if he starts to complain a little, tell him he just might get spanked if he isn’t careful. Mean it. It’s time to take charge.
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