Love Him As Is or Leave Him?
Aura from San Diego asks:
I’m struggling with whether to stay in a relationship with a childhood friend/teenage sweetheart that I reconnected with a few years ago. His marriage and career ended. He lives where we grew up (the East coast), and I have lived on the West coast for 28 years now. We’ve seen each other, back and forth. He drinks too much beer everyday. He still seems to be recuperating from his past, and he believes I’m it. I love him and I care. However, I’ve been very unhappy with a lot of his behavior in the past two years. It sort of seems like a no brainer to leave. For me, it’s not so easy because of our history. He doesn’t seem to worry about us. Please share any insight you may have. Thanks!
Psychic Red ext. 9226 Responds:
You are very good person. You have to know that. But, you also have to accept that you cannot “save” someone who isn’t looking to better themselves. Even though there is a love bond that shows up between your boyfriend and yourself, sometimes, love just isn’t enough.
Your relationship with this man presents as severely imbalanced, and the person that it is hurting is you. Even though you do love him, the past couple of years have taken it’s toll on the “in love” with him aspect. You’re not getting what you’re asking for, which is causing you to hide behind history and justifications to make things “okay,” so you can hold on just a little longer. This pattern will continue as long as you permit it to.
You boyfriend doesn’t outwardly worry about the two of you, but he does worry. However, he is a little too busy feeling sorry for himself and his own situations to really share that with you. He believes that you will continue to be there for him, so he doesn’t share that side of his insecurities with you. You are part mother, part girlfriend. That’s a lot of pressure!
I can’t tell you what to do, but I can tell you that things aren’t going to change until you change them. It’s never easy to break away from someone you love, but sometimes you have to. I can tell you that this is not the man you will marry, nor is the one you will grow old with. At least not this version of him. The best you can hope for is that if you step back, he will see the light and pick himself up. Unless and until that happens, you are caught in the circle and cycles of an imbalanced relationship, that has really ceased to work for you.
For the most part, Aura, you are alone. Whether you choose to be alone with him, or without him, is ultimately up to you. But, when you’re hurting yourself to keep from hurting another (and you have been), the writing is pretty much on the wall. And, because your boyfriend really isn’t looking at the bigger picture, or seriously trying to correct or improve the areas of this relationship that have been discussed as troubling to you—what you see is really what you get. If you’re accepting of that, let your loyalty lead. But if you want to be true to yourself and your needs, you know what you have to do. While it won’t be easy, it also won’t be as hard as you fear. There is no right or wrong here, only what is right for you.
I hope this helps.
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