After a rough physical and emotional time in her life, a reader wonders if it’s a good idea to get back together with her ex. Red encourages her to separate the different elements of the situation to better understand it.
Is Going Back to an Ex Ever a Good Idea?
Kim from Richmond asks:
I’ve been through a lot of emotional soul-searching, selfishness and generally feeling lost as to where my path is in the past few years. I’ve recently had a lot of surgeries on my kidney infection, and it made me think about things. I’m divorced, but emotionally attached to my ex-husband Allan and find myself thinking about going back to him. We have grown children, and one still in school. I think I’m falling back in love with Allan, but I’m scared and I feel loved, if there is such a thing. I just want to know if you see goodness in the choice of moving back fully, or if you think otherwise?
You’ve been going through a lot, physically and emotionally, but simplify your processes by separating the physical and tangible from the emotional and unseen. Sure, it’s all connected—two hemispheres of the same ball of wax, but each hemisphere of that ball needs to be tended to differently than its counterpart.
Basically, it looks like you feared or faced death. Actually, it looks like both. You’re strong, Kim, because you have survived things that others would not have. Yes, your doctors are good and the sciences used are strong, but that’s not why you’re still here, my friend. It’s my personal theory that for some of us the body must fail in some manner before we can truly grasp the delicate beauty of life that we cannot see. Your health issues have changed you, so now it’s time to clear away the clouds of confusion and permit yourself to live fully.
There is a strong bond between you and your Allan, and there always will be. There are past-life cords as well as this-life cords. Should you decide to reinvest in him and this relationship, I have nothing that says that course of action is harmful or a mistake. Even at the worst of times of your relationship and divorce, the ties that bind did not sever, and not just because of your children. Truthfully, when looking forward at you and Allan, your children really don’t come into play. This is a very good thing, because it indicates a rejuvenation of the relationship that is not internally justified or supported by guilt or desire in a family sense. It’s deeper, and more primal. A true connection. Even though your understanding of love has changed greatly from what it was way back at the beginning, I can’t say that this is a bad thing, especially because you now have a level of independence that you wouldn’t have gained had your marriage not taken some turns for the worse.
If you want to leap and look back, you have the option to fully embrace this relationship, and even move back in. However, because you are still in a state of personal transition, I want to encourage you not to leap, but to allow things to unfold. You’re still healing yourself physically, and discovering who you are as much as who you want to be, in the sense of spirit. Reuniting your family isn’t a bad plan, mind you, but once you’re back under one roof, the path will be set. The opportunity isn’t going anywhere, so time is on your side. There aren’t any wrong choices here, only choices. So take your time about things, and enjoy the process without pressure, and you’ll be able to look back with clarity and without question. This is YOUR life too, you know.
Since much of your energy and outlook appears to be focused on change, stability and safety, let the understanding and knowing come. It could hit you in a few weeks, or in a few months. But there is a big difference in knowing what you want and what you want to achieve, as well as what will be beneficial to just you, and then forging ahead because it seems like time, and you don’t want to miss a potential opportunity.
Life without clarity isn’t always fully living, sometimes it’s gambling, and gambling can create chaos. To me, it looks like you’ve had enough chaos, even though it’s through chaos that many, you included, find clarity. It’s truly when you are clear and certain in the present that history doesn’t dictate or interfere, and that’s what leads you to joy. Your body may have led you to your spirit, but it’s your spirit that allows happiness and balance in your being and in your self. Give yourself, and your relationship with Allan, time to continue to heal, re-align and rebuild. Just as your surgical scars will fade, so will your emotional scars. When knowing replaces fear, you have your answer through your own discovery—and that is the one you act on, because you have come out of the confusion of chaos and KNOW what (and who) serves YOU best.
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