Dealing With the Aftermath of Infidelity
KM in Southern California asks:
It still makes me feel guilty to this day, but I sorta had a threesome with my old roommate and her boyfriend. My boyfriend knows that I was involved with the girl but he doesn’t know I was with her boyfriend as well (The girlfriend was there when this happened, and she’s okay with it because we were all drinking and I didn’t do it behind her back. I think she has a thing for me as well as her boyfriend.). The reason I say sorta is because I was drinking and I was only there for like 10 minutes when I realized what I was doing and didn’t feel right about it.
I’ve been in a long-term relationship and I do love him with all my heart and am now moving in with him. I asked him in a way that wouldn’t connect the dots to me, that if he were in a similar situation, what would he do about it. He said, “For things like that I would take it to the grave and deal with it and never say anything.” That made me feel a bit better, but why do I still feel SO guilty? Should I really take it to the grave as he has said and deal with it, or speak up? I’ve been open, honest and very communicative with him and he has with me, but that’s one thing that I cringe about. It’s one of those things that I feel you just don’t speak of ever. Can you guide me as how it would be if I did or did not tell him? Please help!
Psychic Red ext. 9226 Responds:
From what I’m seeing, you only “sorta” had a threesome. Basically, you could have had a hell of a lot more fun than you did. So, while you’re spending all this time beating yourself up, don’t forget to give yourself some props too. You screwed up. But it could have been a lot worse.
Now, I’m a pretty big advocate of honesty being the best policy, and certainly no fan of lies in relationships, but every situation is different. Even though you had committed to your boyfriend prior to your moment of weakness,the relationship itself wasn’t quite at the level of commitment that it is now. This gives you the luxury of choice, but I want you to really understand the aspects and impacts of the choices you face.
You satisfied a curiosity—got it out of your system, so to speak. This is a good thing, and can be very good for your relationship. I don’t see you venturing out again. You learned what you needed to. Now, I’m not letting you entirely off the hook, but I’m not going to beat you up either. You know you screwed up as far as the conditions of trust go with your boyfriend. Think of all of this and your guilt as a life lesson.
Now, you can choose to alleviate your guilt by coming clean. But, this is about you—not your relationship, not your boyfriend. This is a choice that you would be making for you. Sure, you would no longer have this weight, this secret, but your boyfriend isn’t asking. And he surely doesn’t want to think, much less know the truth. So, if you need to come clean, know that doing so puts the future of this relationship in jeopardy. My advice is don’t do it. You’ve got a good thing going with this guy, and your love is true. Adding problems and pain isn’t always the best way to go, especially with his whimsical temperament.
Your second choice is to suck it up, accept your past and move on. Honor your man, and be the best damned partner you can be. But no more transgressions or you don’t deserve him.
I’ve got to say, you two defy the statistics. Most couples can’t move forward with a betrayal and lie between them. But, if you can let go of your guilt, come to a place of acceptance and start over with a pure heart. You’ve got a great thing going, and a beautiful future.
Sometimes doing the wrong thing sets a person on the right path. That’s kind of what looks like has happened to you. But, at the end of the day, sweetie, you have to do what your soul begs of you. But, I do hope you think it through, and see the big picture. Just because you don’t fall into the conventional statistics doesn’t mean you’re wrong. It just means that you are in touch enough with yourself to take some risks and fulfill your curiosities and needs. That’s bold, and in that, there is no cause for shame. So, again, I’m going to encourage you to let it go, take your “secret” to your grave, but walk the righteous line from this point forward, because you won’t be granted another pass—another “graceful escape.”
Live for now and tomorrow. Yesterday is done and nothing about it can be changed. So you can follow the statistical data and “cleanse your soul” and come clean and lose what you hold most dear. Or you can find a way to deal, move forward and create and live the life you desire. The power here is yours. What you decide dictates your fate. There is right, wrong and plenty of shades of gray. Not all of us walk a black or white path and if you can accept that of yourself, you will find your way. Be true to yourself and to your word and you won’t make any mistakes.
I know this probably wasn’t quite what you were expecting, but I do hope it gives you some clarity and perspective. No one is perfect, but at the same time, we all are. Grasp that concept and you’re home free. Don’t let one night cause a lifetime of misery. That’s not the life you came here to live. Forgive yourself, because the moment you do that you begin again.
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