Find Hope in Your New Found Freedom
Nina from Baltimore asks:
Dear Red, I found out that my husband has had sexual relations. He feels this is not really cheating, because it was only oral sex and he was the receiver. I have three beautiful children, and this has happened before. I am afraid to leave him; he is the provider of the family. I feel guilty that my children will think I am the one who separated our family, and I don’t want them to resent me for having to relocate them.
Psychic Red ext. 9226 Responds:
It is very unfortunate that you are in the position you are in. There really is no easy way to make things right, because there are layers upon layers of issues that surround you and your family.
Your marriage has been in trouble for several years. While you may not want, or be looking forward to making changes in living arrangements, you decided quite a while ago that your relationship would eventually be coming to an end. The love that you once felt for your husband is either long gone, or completely buried under the stress and pain. Either way, it’s not a pleasant dynamic for you. And, to add insult to injury, he knows oral sex is a betrayal of no small degree, regardless of whether he’s giving or receiving. He also believes that denying to you that this act is a form of cheating, it will somehow make him look better and things less painful for you. But, even though he doesn’t want to be the source of your devastation, he also doesn’t feel the need to focus on you, the marriage, or practicing fidelity. He feels that since he is a decent provider, this makes him a good husband and father. He also doesn’t fully appreciate or understand the impact his infidelities have on you and your family. He seems to have some kind of conviction—through culture, gender, belief or something—that his extra marital activities should be excused. While he has some guilt, his beliefs that these things should be overlooked and not discussed is stronger. He actually feels “entitled” to have a life outside of you and the kids, as long as he doesn’t fall in love or become too attached.
At some point, you are going to leave your husband. The only real question that lingers in the air is “when.” Don’t be afraid to take however much time you need to think things through and plan your “new life.” Right now, it looks like you won’t be fully prepared to make your move until February of next year. But, this change is something that is within your control, and you can make it happen sooner or later. It really doesn’t matter what the calendar says, you will do it when you feel that the time is right.
It looks as if you’ve considered making arrangements to live with family. This is a very good plan, because you and your kids are going to need time and support in order to adapt to a new lifestyle.
Your husband will not go out of his way to help to make this an easy transition for all of you. Even though your marriage isn’t what either of you truly want, he will have a tough time adjusting to even the idea of not having you and the kids at home. By surrounding yourself with people who love you and are willing to support you emotionally and financially will help to make a confusing and painful time a little less confusing and painful for you and your children.
Your children may not understand all the circumstances of why things are changing, but they will understand aspects of the changes. Dad might be Dad, but he can also be a little scary as far as your kids are concerned. And, they aren’t totally unaware of the lack of respect that he shows you. While they don’t know about his sexual betrayals, they do know that there is an awful lot of tension and weirdness that comes about between you and your husband. While children do not have control over their parents or their parents’ decisions, they do have a remarkable way of adjusting to changing situations. You are pretty close to your kids, and this will be a great help and source of strength for them. While it is your job to protect them and make them feel secure, over-sheltering them from certain truths can make things more difficult for your kids, so don’t be afraid to be honest with them when they ask questions. Naturally, your children will not like the idea of their parents splitting up, but they love and respect you and their father very much. They present as good, intelligent and fairly well-grounded little people, with varying degrees of understanding and maturity. While they don’t need to know certain details, you can explain things to them in such a manner that they handle this transition about as good as can be hoped for. Your kids can handle honesty. They actually seem like they handle a great deal more than you are aware of. You will make things as easy for them as you can, and they will adjust. While it will be difficult, (your husband has an aspect of his personality that presents as strongly dominant and controlling) it is possible for the two of you to work together for the well-being of your kids during the time of your separation. After a bit of struggling, your husband will surprise you by being a better father and putting your children’s mental and emotional needs before his own, and that will result in some very positive changes for all of your relationships.
You are facing some big decisions and transitions—mentally, emotionally and financially. But, you know what? You, your kids and your husband are actually all going to come out of this better than all right. It’s going to be tough, but you are much stronger and more capable than what you realize. It’s one thing to be a good Mom, which you are, but these upcoming changes and experiences are going to make you more than just Mom—in time, you will be seen as a hero and a significant role model through the eyes of your kids.
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16 thoughts on “Red Responds: Break Free from a Cheating Partner”
there is no perfect life ,, to achieve one perfect things other may suffer,, just stay to your family even ur husband cheat you ,, later on you will see he may not change maybe but your scrifice will never been an paid from above ,, i believe ur kids will grow nice your family will stay together ,,,and in the end you are still a winer ,, dont let your family will be break because of small flirting ,,, man is realy like that ,, the only good things you can hold if you still have him at home and your kids still has a father to called and still a head from the other you have a whole good family at home ,,beause of u ,, GOD BLESS
It ‘s difficult adjust to your new life after having a divorce You probably still having feelings ,you feel afraid about the financial situation,your kids,your family ,your friends
Lend me tell you something ,when your husband doesn’t love you ,In the beginning he will start cheeting ,be inrespectfull in front to your kids,until he will kill you .
He knows he is killing you slowly.He knows what he does is wrong,but he keep doing.Who cares about your feelings.He cares about himself.His perfect life.You are his servant ,the other his fun.
Not matter what.If you leave him you will win.If you stay in that relationship you are gone.
The most important thing in your life is to be a live .First for you and after for your kids. Dont take no more garbage,because people like that only are going to provide you it’s HIV,Herpes ,Siphillis,Gonorrhea, Chlamydeas ,Hepatitis, and put you down every single day.
Break the chain!
Thank so all so very much. Everyone singal one that I read touched my life. My husband has been lies after I had to find the truth who had been with my friend for ten yrs till I caught it.then I find out she had a song for him me & mr jones. She text that thinking I was my husband she hears it everyday . That’s how much she thinks about him.I asked her what comes to her mind she text back with u.(my husband) the whole time I’m time I’m text her she doesn’t no its me. I had him call her yr & half later 2 see if she would do it again after I told her man . But she lied a said it was my husband telling lies . All they did was talk. That’s my husband. But it turns out he now tells me he had been off an on 4 ten yrs as soon as they met they had hooked up. Never stoped. But u know that he has made my life inside out down with no energy to do for me or my kids. At times I have to fight my self to get out of bed. I have no job to walk. He tells me he didn’t have sex with her. I no that’s lie because she was with a man like mine only she was getting alll the sweet time from mines well he was hurting me. Point finger at me making me feel like it is me. Now. He told me the 3 times he been with her they had kissed touched but she would stop him and tell him the time is not right.does he think I’m that stupid. I must I’m still here. Thank u
I’m actually in shock reading this! And I’m trying to figure out if I wrote that to you myself! In a nut shell that is my story to a T! I’m amazed how perfectly accurate that was – spot on! Wow! And although I truly feel for the other people who are going through the same thing, I feel comfort in knowing I’m not the only one.
This too could be written for me, I am married, 3 children. Husband caught more than once cheating, and found myself making excuses due to the children. He like all the others has claimed the affair stopped, but one strike , two strikes, three strikes…………… well the game should be over, yet I am more scared of the unkown or maybe being alone. I know I am unhappy, so if the person who Red wrote too can find the strength, she will be my hero too.
All right, that was GROSE!!!
I have been through all this i left him and 12 months later he came back a changed man. I made him work very hard to get me back. We have been back together for 2 yaers and he is completely different and goes out of his way to make me happy it took time but i 100% trust him again after alot of pain and tests! he says he would die if he ever had to live without me again! you never know which way a situation like thsi will go or how long it will take you to decide what to do! But everything happens for a reason.
Hello, I have 3 kids and been having problems in my marraige for 6 months now, and I believe that my wife is seeing another man and has had a sexual encunter seveal times with him, but yes she denieds it . I won’t the marraige to work but she wants to seperate, what should I do, I’m thinking there’s emotinal ties to her new friend.
I am incredibly greatful for your response to this question. I too am in a similar situation with my husband however, the only difference is, I asked him for space to think 6 months ago and he never came back. Although I am incredibly sad and miss him terribly, I also know that this break has allowed me to re-examine things. My marriage was really one filled with disrespect, dishonor and lack of integrity. We looked good on the outside but inside it was like an abandoned, dilapidated building. My husband is still angry with me and it makes it difficult to communicate effectively. He even blames me for everything. However, I keep working on myself in spite of my fears and in spite of the lonliness and decrease in financial support. I do ask that you pray for me and my family, including my husband. What I sincerely hope to happen is that real forgiveness, love, respect, honor, fairness, restoration, wonderful communication and integrity will prevail on all levels. I would love to “renew” my marriage and family, but I know I am only responsible for my part in it and to assist my kids adjust to the new normal. I am not responsible for my husband. However, whatever God and the Universe has in store for me, I will accept no matter how painful or challenging it may be. Thanks Red!
Red was right on with her prediciton for me and my cheating partner. We did get back together for a very short time just like she said and he did it again. I left him for good and am in a much better place now. It was hard but necessary. Thank you Red.
I have been with my husband for nearly 38 years (only 55 now) I never should have married him. It was out of the frying pan into the fire, unfortunatly I got pregnant at 16 and had second child at 21. I was a very good mum and really enjoyed being there for my kids, even though the difficulties were imense with my own parents, husband and extrended family.
I found out last year he has been unfaithful a few times – and been collecting the evidence (emails etc…) his temper and attitude towards me are really quite vile. So many tell me to leave, but this is my home, I paid for nearly all of it even though he earns over twice my salary.
I also have a nice man friend in America – he is hoping I leave my husband, but doesnt seem to want to commit properly to a realtionship (he is widowed). We have been writing for nearly 3 years and have got really close – but it seems more like soul mates rather than a realtionship that could be a proper partnership.
I really do need to part company with my husband for my own sanity – he always said he would see me dead rather than with another, and I know he means it.
Is there any hope of a normal life with a man I could really love and trust. At 55 and not in good health due to stress casued by husband – I really cant cope with making the move myself and hoped he would go to be with his lover as he obviously dosnt want to be with me. But its like he wants everything, house and money – even though hes not contributed to home. I am to confused to know whats best and just pray he goes. But hes dosnt, he just gets nastier each day.
My ex cheated on me when our kid was two, now he is almost nine. He was in a relationship and was with this woman while I was taking care of my mom who was suffering from cancer. He said I was paranoid despite I got all the evidences. He openly refused to cut ties with this woman in front of the marriage counsellor, saying that I was controlling and making all these excuses for himself. I was angry that when I found him verbally abusive to my daughter and my mom when I was at work. I finally divorced, and I felt so much better. Not only that I still have to deal with his stupidity at work.. ( we worked at the same place, thank God, we are in opposite shifts), he has to hook up with this new hire girl at work and at times I have to be her supervisor. Then I found out he has more women during the time I was taking care of my sick mom, now she had passed away 4 years ago. I am glad that my daughter and I are away from his humiliations and his disrespect to me. A cheater is always a cheater. They will justify their actions and make you feel you are the one who cause it. Don’t let them get to you. In the beginning, I had all those doubts about myself, and I finally come to realization that all cheaters say the same thing, just to make themselves less guilty. Run as fast away as you can. They are mere psychopath with no moral standards. And you can never change them, so change yourself and your life.
Hope you find peace and happiness soon
My husband has cheated on all his wives I’m his 6th wife and He left me for another – do you think he’ll ever come to terms that he has a disease of living and Loving all those he has done this too. I fell deeply in Love with him – But he found fault with me all the time My Question is I’ve filed for DIVORCE will he ever realize that I was the one person WHO cared for him deeply or NOT.
This letter could have been written by me, 19 years ago. Unfortunately, I was not strong enough to take my 4 young kids and leave the adulterer. Instead, we stayed together, or at least the kids and I stayed. He continued his flirtations until October of last year when he started yet another full-blown affair. This time, my kids were all grown, and I had had my fill of the terrible way he treated me (every other woman on the planet was better treated than I was). He did think he could have his cake and eat it too, until my attorney got through with him. My kids tell me now that I should have left him before when he did it to me, but I thought I was doing the best for them. They report they were miserable, and saw how poorly he treated me all those years. I have been told, since filing for the divorce, that if I were to return to him after his poor treatment, and having moved the new woman into the family home even before the dust settled, that they would not speak to me again were I to go back to him. My kids do support me wholeheartedly. Stay strong for your kids, and please, for your own sake, don’t let him treat you like yesterday’s trash and expect you to turn a blind eye to his escapades. My prayers are for you.
dear red//first of all..i dont depend on money..that does not conrol my life…somehow it comes ahead..that does not concern me..but cheating does…what is funny about this ..is that it is a,right to cheat cheat as long as they dont come attached or fall in love…that i hever heard anything like that…because in my book the person is already in love…if she/he cheats….i really dont believe in oral sex..that to me sex…there are other things than are much nicer than that..if course when i cheated i felt sorry i did…because my husband never looked at a another women…but that was a awile ago….now as the men cheating ..then you never trust them again…if they really love the girl then they have no reason to cheat…now whatever i do is not cheating..i would like to live peace of mine..that he is not doing it behind my back…if he wants to do he/she should be free..then then can do do all the cheating they want and nobody will care…
If you want your children to live in poverty, loose their home, be ridiculed at school because they cant have anything that the other children have including new shoes and clothes, not be invited to parties because they can’t buy good present, loose friends because they know they can’t afford to go where they want to go, be bullied at school about being paupers – leave him. The CSA are absolutely useless so you will be living on benefits. My CSA didnt even cover my childcare costs never pay to keep a roof over their heads. You will have horrendous debts because of the divorce fees are enormous (mine were £150,000) so will you be able to get a house or will you be placed in social housing. Will the kids have to leave their school and friends and you have to live in a dangerous rough area. Will you have debt collectors banging on your door trying to take your possessions and your car. As soon as he leaves the house the financial needs of the children becomes is of no importance to him – his money will go on entertaining females and going out with his friends. I know many women in this position going from comfortable homes to debt and poverty. My recommendation is to take your time – a long time – retrain get yourself back into work and make a plan to get out of it so you can comfortably support your children. Also you can get comfort and love behind his back to keep you going.