Dump That Mooch!
Anita from Haines City asks:
I have been living with someone for over five years now and he practically lives off of me, financially. He only works a 20-hour work week; sometimes only two hours a night. He won’t push to get himself straight with a job or a vehicle, so he relies on me for stability. I am tired of this and when it comes to marriage, he never talks about it unless I say something. I am tired of living with a man who is not responsible for himself, nor is he able to be a man in this relationship. He says he is trying, but he is very slow. He also looks at a lot of other women and this makes me feel as if he is just using me for security reasons. I don’t know what to do anymore. I am really getting depressed. I have a career and I do very well for myself and just want someone to love me. What should I do? Please help. I was in an abusive relationship for 25 years and it took me a long time to get out of it. This relationship is kind of abusive emotionally, too. I am going crazy trying to figure out what to do. Please help me.
Psychic Red ext. 9226 Responds:
You are a strong, but compassionate woman. That compassion seems to be getting in your way a wee bit.
Deep inside, you know your boyfriend really isn’t striving to better himself or his situation. He’s quite comfortable with things as they are, and really has no motivation to change things. What confuses me the most about the arrangement the two of you share is, what exactly are you getting out this relationship?
I know he can be charismatic and charming at times, and the two of you do have a bit of fun together here and there. But, it really doesn’t look like there’s enough of these good times to balance out or offset the stress that falls on you for taking care of you both. You have some of the pleasures of having an boyfriend, yet all of the responsibilities of having an adult child.
I know you don’t want to be alone, but you really need to spend some time considering exactly how much quality this man adds to your daily life. I’m not seeing a whole lot, but I could be missing something…
If you really want to be married again, you are going to have your hands full with him. He really doesn’t want to be married. This has nothing to do with you; it’s just a legality he would rather avoid.
The two of you do care for one another, but neither of you is madly in love. Each of you has grown comfortable with the familiarity and securities that the other provides.
Not every relationship is meant to last. Some of them come into our lives for a stretch of time so that we can get back on our feet, and figure out what we truly want. While you don’t want to be the “bad guy,” you also don’t present as if you really want him. You’ve outgrown him, and this relationship. There is no shame in that. You aren’t obligated to maintain him or his current lifestyle, yet you allow guilt to hold you still.
Your history of crappy and abusive relationships may have helped shape you, but it has also strengthened you. You will be fine. True, you will be on your own for a bit, having to deal with the frustrations of the dating game, but you will no longer settle for men who aren’t your equal.
When you’re ready, you will bring this relationship to an end, because you have to let go of the man-child in order to make room for a real man.
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