In order to love someone you must love yourself first, but that can be a difficult task for some. Learn how to take charge of your own happiness rather than expecting that happiness to come from other.
Where Are You Looking for Love?
Kelli from the United States asks:
I really understand that to love someone you must love yourself first, but I have the hardest time doing it. I’ve been married for twenty years, have two children who are great, and I put everything/everyone first. I always seem to make the worst decisions, and I’m so sad and lonely and have really been taking it out on my husband and kids. Please help me understand why I can’t love myself. It doesn’t matter how intelligent or what lengths you go to prove it or how pretty you are, some people like myself are just destined to not have someone take care of them.
I think the answer lies within your last sentence, where you state that “some people are destined to have no one take care of them.” First of all, none of us are destined for pain, sadness or loneliness. We are all masters of our own destiny, so no matter how bleak things may appear or how much time may have passed, we can always change them!
So how does one learn to love oneself? Well, maybe start by not expecting your happiness or fulfillment to come from an outside source. Neither your kids, nor your husband, are responsible for your happiness, or able to fill whatever void you may have inside of you. You will have to take charge of your own happiness and like everything else in life worth having, this will require some work.
“Whether you see yourself as a success or a failure… you’re right.” – Kelli ext. 5130
What steps can you take to take charge? Well, I started by finding a therapist that helped me work through deep-rooted feelings of worthlessness and sadness. There are many modes of therapy like hypnotherapy, cognitive behavioral therapy and traditional talk therapy. Other ways to get in touch with one’s inner self are yoga or meditation. Working out, taking walks, swimming, running, etc. are also excellent ways to get in touch with your self. You will find that it is easier to listen to your mind and heart while doing physically stimulating activities. When you are forced to be by yourself and actually do something that does not involve anyone else, you will find that it creates a space for you to listen and be present.
I know that this one is especially hard for mothers and caretakers. But know that always putting everyone else’s needs ahead of your own needs will not only result in exhaustion, but also resentment. As I said before, you cannot expect others to take care of you the way you may take care of them. Dropping that expectation will make life a lot easier. It may seem impossible, but learning how to drop expectations and how to stop remaining fixated on an outcome is probably one of the best things we can learn in life. When we start understanding that others are not responsible for us, life truly starts anew.
Learning how to love one’s self takes practice, determination and work. Know that there is no reason for you to feel so sad and abandoned any longer. Your life can change tomorrow, and the beauty is that each day gives us new opportunities to create a blank slate. Yesterday does not matter. You will just have to start doing, instead of merely thinking about it. Sometimes, thinking will make an already loud mind even louder, and I suspect that you have a whole bunch of self-defeating talk in your subconscious, which keeps driving the way you are feeling. Take care of yourself, literally, and start doing things that make you happy! Maybe think back to a time when you were happy and remember what drove those feelings. Good luck, my friend.
“My advice is to set goals in steps. So, instead of a setting a goal of losing 20 pounds, set a goal of 4 pounds a month or a pound a week. It is manageable and with a weekly goal, it is easier to keep it in your sight lines.” – Blythe ext. 5339
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