Red Responds: The Pain of Betrayal

Shelley in Grafton writes:

I was married for almost 11 years. I am a Taurus and my ex-husband is a Virgo. We were each other’s first love. We have one child together. We separated in December 2005 and we were divorced in October 2006. I was the one that messed up our relationship, but he helped. He shut the door on our sexual relationship, and I told him that I would look elsewhere.

Well I did, and I ended up cheating on him. I hurt him terribly, and I am truly sorry for it. I live with the guilt evey day! I feel that there is still a strong connection between us, even though he has seemed to move on with his life. He is still very angry with me. Will he ever be able to truly forgive me? Is there any possibility that he and I will be able to bring our family back together again? I still love him, and I believe that he still has feelings for me. I feel terrible for what I have done, and I have the karma to prove it. My life has not been the same since I did what I have done. So what now?

Dear Shelley,

I’m sorry if this comes across a little strong, but it seems you really need to hear it straight.

Your ex will always be in your life, but he can’t completely let go of the pain of your betrayal. It is something that he will come to understand, even partially forgive, but he will never forget. So, it will be a long hard road to friendship, but eventually you two will get there. Unfortunately, this is as far as the two of you can get – a romantic reconciliation just doesn’t seem meant to be.

Even though you don’t like how things ended up, it looks like you felt pretty justified in your actions at the time. No matter how sorry you are, no matter how much love you feel for your ex now, it doesn’t change that there were problems in your marriage – compounded by problems in the bedroom. From communication to expectations, you two just weren’t operating on the same wavelength.

You screwed up, and your mistake has been paid for with your marriage. No amount of guilt or sorrow can undo what has been done, so do your best to let go of it. Guilt can be hard to overcome, so please consider talking with a therapist or counselor. A little outside influence and advice often times makes the process much easier. Life is challenging enough without feeling the need to punish yourself. It is going to take you some time to learn how to forgive yourself, but it will be effort well-spent. Sometimes, all you can do is accept things as they are, and do your best to move forward.

Even though this isn’t what you wanted to hear, I sincerely hope it helps you. Look at it for what it is. You weren’t happy, you made a mistake and you paid the price. The next step in your personal evolution is to forgive yourself, find the joy in all that you do have, and use all of this to build happier and healthier relationships with those who are in (and yet to enter) your life.

Good luck!
Ext. 9226

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