Teresa in Columbus writes:
I’ve been seeing this man for a little over two years. He was married when we met and it’s taken him all this time to finally get divorce paperwork completed. A few months ago we had a vacation planned but I asked him not to come. I was going through some emotional trauma and spending a week with him then coming back home to only see him every other week or so was more than I could handle.
We’ve been actively trying to work things out since then. However, I found out he lied to me… he slept with an old friend after the incident with the vacation. For the last two months he’s been lying about his friendship with her. After a weekend long argument he asked to talk… we’ve talked twice and he wants to work on things. A part of me wants to. I’m not as young as I used to be. But I don’t know if I can trust him. I’ve been so overwhelmed that I feel numb about the whole situation. I was angry for a little while but mostly I didn’t feel anything about it. I’m lost. I don’t know what my heart is trying to tell me. I don’t know if this is something we can come back from or even if we can or should. Any insight would be so helpful.
If you want to work through things with your man, you can. I’m not going to tell you that it will be quick or easy to heal the relationship and rebuild, but it can be done.
There’s a lot more going on under the surface of this situation than you have revealed. Because of that, there is more for you to consider than just getting through this latest challenge. Even though the two of you have been involved with each other for the past couple of years, this has not actually been a fully invested, truly committed relationship. You guys haven’t had the opportunity.
With things in such a state of upheaval, it would be wise of you to take a bit of a break and deal with your own emotional issues before you make a firm decision regarding this relationship. Your man needs to do the same. Even though you guys do have love for one another, the emotional support and security that should be part of the foundation of the relationship is seriously lacking on both sides. A little time apart can bring clarity to each of you, relative to what you want out of this relationship. At the moment, it doesn’t seem as if either of you can honestly answer that question. When you figure that out, you can also figure out how to proceed.
I do see that the two of you will come together and work through this, but only after some more time apart. February seems to be the month of reunion, but is more of a “starting over” than coming back together. This is actually a good thing, because the rules of the relationship need to change in order to build a healthy and solid foundation. In time, you will trust him again, because he will make you and this relationship a priority instead of an afterthought.
I hope this helps.