Red Responds: Is He Really Getting a Divorce?

Solitaire in Guanajuato writes:

I really need some help. I am currently in Mexico teaching English classes. I’ve also been in a relationship with a guy here for some months now. I recently found out, however, that he is married. I ended the relationship as soon as I found out, yet a large part of me can’t let go of the idea that he’s in the process of divorce, which is what one of his friends told me. If this were true, I could deal with it. Can you tell me, is he actually going to get a divorce or am I just holding on to a false hope?

Dear Solitaire,


It is true that the man you love is in the process of getting divorced. The problem is, it is going to be a long proceeding. The theory of divorce has been circling these two for quite some time now, only no one is pushing for action.


By removing yourself from the relationship, you are in fact encouraging this man to move forward in his divorce quest. It would be wise of you, however, to wait until he has shown you something – like moving out of the house he shares with his family – before you consider re-involving yourself romantically with him.


You may think that you could deal with the circumstances, but the truth is – you can’t. If he has you and his family, there is no real push for him to free himself of his old life to begin a new one with you. You need to stand firm with your morals and convictions, and wait and see what his next move is.


Even though he does love you, he has this whole other life that he hid from you for some time. The only reason he hid it, is because he really isn’t in any hurry to change his circumstances. This puts you at risk of being, “the other woman” for years. I don’t see you doing that.


Don’t put your life on hold waiting for him to come back for you. He will come back, and try and resume your relationship. In order for you to have the relationship you want with him, you need proof that he can be honest with you, and uphold his word. Right now, he is not in that place.


I really don’t see him breaking away from his wife until fall – September or October. And, that only happens because you are keeping your distance. There are many things the two of you are going to have to discuss and work through, because by initially hiding his marital status, he has betrayed you. Any relationship that is built on a lie is already in trouble. Give him time to correct the situation. When he does, that is the time for you to reevaluate him, and your feelings toward him.


The hope you are holding onto isn’t necessarily false, but it also shouldn’t be what defines you or your life. The best thing you can do is move forward in your life consciously aware of what the situation is now: You are in love, and broke off the relationship with a married man. That is a single and undeniable truth of this moment in time. Holding on to what he is going to do next makes it so that you are living life in limbo. The problem with living life in limbo is you keep yourself from fully living life.

Best wishes,
Ext. 9226

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