Red Responds: What Does She Mean to Him?

Marie in Orlando writes:

Dear Red,

I am a 51-year-old woman, married almost 33 years and for the most part it has been a good marriage. I had never been with any other man until eight years ago. I met “Patrick” online. Actually, he was the first man I had ever chatted with, so I was very naive. This happened at a time when my husband was going through some emotional struggles and for quite some time I felt very unappreciated. Needless to say, Patrick made me feel alive and very desirable. Over the course of eight years, we met four times and, though the meetings were very sexually charged, I went away each time feeling he didn’t fulfill my needs as a woman.

I have to say, I found myself in love with both my husband and this man. He has since moved on and is in a relationship which I knew would happen, but I know he met me several times while in this relationship. I have never really understood just what I meant to him, though at times he brought up the subject of us having a baby. Several months ago he cut off all communication with me. I guess I feel that at my age I have been foolish and allowed myself to get hurt and that it is my own fault that I can’t seem to get over this man. My husband is a good man and I’d never hurt him. I just wish I could still have some contact with the other man.


Will I ever hear from him again?


Dear Marie,

Looking at the relationship you shared with “Patrick,” I can tell you that it is not the man you can’t let go of, it is the void he filled in your life that keeps you holding on.

You opened yourself to a situation at a time in your life when you were feeling very vulnerable. If you hadn’t been at such an emotional low, this affair never would have happened. This man never would have caught your attention. It’s time for you to pull your head out of the clouds, and put both feet firmly back on the ground.

Your forbidden lover has moved on with his life. While this may be painful to you, I see that you understand. He’s not trying to hurt you, that was never his intention. However, talk of babies or not, he was very realistic in his own mind about the limits and boundaries that came with this affair. Even though he cared for you, he wasn’t making plans for the two of you to run away and build a life – he just enjoyed what was. You filled a void in his world, too.

Marie, there is no future with Patrick for you. When you hear from him in January or February of 2008, handle it with your head, not your heart. Keep the silence. Resuming communication with him will only feed the fantasy, and complicate reality. It is time to let go.

“My husband is a good man and I’d never hurt him.” These are your words. If you really mean them, then you must live your life in a manner that supports that statement. If you don’t, not only will you hurt your husband, you could lose him. That really doesn’t seem like the best path for you.

I hope this helps you.

Brightest Blessings,
Ext. 9226

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