Red Responds: Closure vs. Understanding

Elizabeth in Culver City writes:

I just want some peace from my ex-boyfriend. The first year we were together he cheated on me and lied about it. Then we went through couple’s counseling and ultimately broke up. After the first of the year, I went back to him – then he lied to me (and possibly cheated) again. I’m beginning to understand the strength of our karma. I need some insight from someone who is completely removed from this, personally. It’s been a couple of months and he’s still in my head. I have not received any closure on this. I’m afraid to meet anyone and I want to be sure that I don’t repeat anything that caused me to attract this negative stuff into my life. I have to find direction.

Dear Elizabeth,

Sometimes there is a huge difference between closure and understanding. This seems to be tripping you up a bit at the moment. You’ve got closure. This man treated you badly, and the relationship is over. What you aren’t fully understanding is why it had to come to this conclusion. You did everything as correctly as you could, gave this man and the relationship all that you had to give – so why didn’t it work out the way you wanted it to?

You do have strong karmic ties with your ex, both positive and negative. Sometimes when we pay our karmic dues, it changes us. That’s part of the point, really. And this relationship is a prime example.

If you really want to break the karmic cycle, embrace the lesson. For you, this life isn’t always about being the enlightened, nice, forgiving, female. There are moments when you need to pull on the darker side of your nature, and proudly wear the acronym of Babe In Total Control of Herself. I’m not telling you to become a mean spirited, unlikable person. I am telling you to set your standards and boundaries at a level that is beneficial to you, and be willing to enforce them.

While karma may have placed you in a relationship that set circumstances in motion for you to be abused, you chose to allow it. You tried to do everything right, work through it, and you came up on the short end. It stinks, it may not be deserving, but it happens.

The karmic lessen for you is that you don’t have to allow yourself to be walked on for the sake of love. While love is worth fighting for, some lovers are not. Embrace the idea that you have paid your dues in this relationship and gave your ex the opportunity to do the same. Just because he failed on his end doesn’t mean that you have to continue assuming the failure is yours, or caused by you.

When you are walking in bare feet and step into a hot, steaming pile of poo (your ex), you immediately understand what happened while the stuff is oozing up through your toes (karma). You are not going to stand there and contemplate why this had to happen to you, what penance you need to pay, or come to the conclusion that there are no more clean places in which to walk. No, you are going to clean yourself off and continue forward, just paying a little closer attention to where you place your feet.

Life is all about lessons, and so are most relationships. Sure, sometimes we step in it. It’s how we learn. It is much easier to wash away the residue of a physical pile of poo than it is an emotional one, but the same principles still apply. When you cleanse the emotional residue, you are also clearing the karmic debt. When you let go of the past you find out you have a direction in which to move: Forward.

Brightest Blessings,
Ext. 9226

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