And now, questions from the “lovelorn” files, emailed to me on the Karma Air website…
Q: Shortly after I started dating a guy, he would tell me he was falling in love, wanted me to be his girlfriend, wanted to buy a house with him, open up a banking account with him, move in with him, and kept coming up with names for a baby. Then one day he decided he just wants to be friends! Yet, we see each other every day, he takes me on trips, buys me gifts… We have the same behavior as if we were in a relationship, yet no commitment. I started to fall in love with him, too, and now I have to hold back my feelings. What is your advice?
Signed: Confused in Compromise
A: Dear Confused,
Yikes – you’re giving him your time, attention, and exclusivity despite the fact that he dumped you and thus his needs are being met but yours are not. Here’s the deal – by being in a “no-strings” relationship with him in which everything is on his terms and about what he wants, you’re lowering your status and you’re giving him all your power. This would be fine if you were happy with this arrangement but you’re not. If you want a real relationship with him, you need to let him go, or at the very least start dating other men as well. He’ll just take you for granted and lose respect for you if you’re with him without having any needs. Women often make this mistake, thinking, “If I keep going out with him then he’ll see how good we are together. He’ll realize he wants me. But if I stop seeing him he’ll forget me.” It’s actually THE OPPOSITE. If you stay and grovel at his feet, he’ll forget you. If you move on, he’ll be impressed and you’ll be more memorable than ever, and if it’s meant to be he’ll be back and you’ll BOTH get your needs met. If he doesn’t come back, then you’ve stopped wasting your time and can find someone who’s more ready for a real relationship.
Q: There’s a man who’s been in love with me for the past eight years and is a very nice and understanding person. I, too, feel close to him especially in difficult times. But I am unable to feel too attracted to him and there’s no excitement. I’m also not comfortable being identified as a couple with him. Will I find my soulmate or is he the one and I just don’t really know it?
Signed, Bored But Bonded
A: Dear Bored,
Oh Boy – soulmates feel CRACKLING CHEMISTRY and can be together for 70 years and not get bored. This man is a FRIEND. That is all. You WISH he were more because he’s in love with you and is a good man. You’re trying to manufacture what isn’t there – you can’t! Love this man for what he is – a good friend who will never be more. Tell him the truth and release him to find someone who feels that “zing” for him, and go find someone who turns you on mentally and physically and is also a good man (he’s out there wondering what’s taking you so long!).
Carol Allen is the author of the ebook Love Is in the Stars. In private practice using the ancient wisdom of Vedic astrology combined with the cutting-edge advice of relationship coaching, she has counselled thousands of singles and couples struggling to succeed in love. She’s been a featured guest on dozens of local and nationally-syndicated radio and television shows, including Bridezillas.