Carrie in Charlotte writes:
I am a 41 year-old Cancer and have had three major relationships in my life. I married two of them. The first two cheated on me. I am currently separated from my third husband because I pushed him away. I couldn’t trust him because of the other two. My question is, will I ever find love again or have I totally screwed up my life and blown my chances to love someone and be loved back?
Finding love doesn’t seem to be a problem for you; keeping the love you find is the challenge.
First of all, now is not the time for you to be focusing your energies on romance. This is the time for you to straighten out other areas of your life, including your own emotional well-being. A new or rekindled relationship isn’t going to “fix” you; it is time for you to buckle down and do some hard work. Any romantic relationship that you enter into at this time isn’t going to last. While the initial ego boost may help your self esteem on a short term basis, the eventual failure of the relationship is going to complicate your own issues.
I’m really sorry to hear that you have been repeatedly betrayed in your love life. It stinks; but it is time to get over it. If you don’t want to hold on to the past and form your future around those experiences, then take a more honest look back at the circumstances. These relationships were troubled before any infidelity took place. While you are very good at getting the man, you lose your strength when it comes to keeping them. I’m not trying to place blame on your shoulders or justify the actions of your past husbands, but it’s not quite as simple as they just woke up one day and decided to cheat. Whether you are aware of it or not, in the confines of a relationship, you push your men away.
Your current husband is not responsible for the actions of the men from your past. Your future husband is also innocent of past betrayals, but history will repeat once again unless you change your actions and reactions; how you view and handle yourself and relationships. It wasn’t that you couldn’t trust the man you are now separated from; this guy really tried to make things work. What you couldn’t do was accept that you were deserving of a stable relationship, because then you would have to take a big risk and give someone your trust. While you may have thought you were protecting yourself, you were actually setting the platform for disaster. When you expect things to go wrong, they usually do.
The point is, Carrie, you’ve got some issues that you need to work through before you can have and maintain the relationship you are looking for. It’s going to take some hard work, but it will be worth it in the end.
While you would benefit from “traditional” counseling or therapy, I’m also going to suggest that you have some energy work done.
Our relationships tend to be a direct reflection of ourselves. Achieving that healthy, loving relationship that you desire isn’t a fantasy; but creating that reality starts with healing you.