Red Responds: They Finally Got Caught

Ellen in Fair Lawn writes:

I was involved in an extramarital relationship with a married man for 12 years. Although I knew he would not leave his wife for me, I hang on to the relationship. We finally got caught last year, and it created a huge mess that resulted in my getting divorced from my husband. I have not heard from the other man.

I refuse to contact him, but I am still hoping he will get in touch with me. I am considered a smart woman, and I hold a very high position in the company that I work for. Why is it that I cannot let go? Why do I still hope and pray that someday he will call me? And… will he?

Dear Ellen,

I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this, but holding on to this relationship only serves to keep you standing still. It’s a shame, but if you continue waiting for him to make the first move, you could be waiting for years.

The man you had this affair with hasn’t changed–he does have feelings for you, but he isn’t going to make you a priority. Even though you have endured a great deal of chaos and pain because of this affair, he has been able to keep his world going a bit more smoothly.

I wish I saw things differently, but I’m not seeing a happy reunion for the two of you. I’m not even seeing a true sense of closure for you, unless you choose to create if for yourself. Do what you need to do in order to say good-bye–free yourself to move forward. Holding on just keeps you from going anywhere, and you deserve to have more in your life.

Love makes us all do crazy things, so please don’t look at yourself as being foolish. You are an intelligent woman who is capable of doing and experiencing amazing things. So take the lessons you’ve learned from your past, and use them to avoid mistakes in the future.

Not all relationships are meant to last, and you knew from the beginning that this one had restrictions on it. You’ve paid a high price for your indiscretion, but the time has come for you to forgive yourself, and put that chapter in your life behind you. It’s going to be hard, and it’s going to hurt–but letting go is the only way you’ll be able to love, and be loved, for who you are once more.

Good luck!
Ext. 9226

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