Examining Your Ex

Guys, you just got dumped. Or maybe you dumped her, or maybe it just happened. Now you walk around in a trance – and every thought includes your ex. You wonder what you could have done different, or what you could still do. You wonder if she’s going out, who she’s seeing, or how the next guy stacks up to you in bed. You wonder why you’ve never noticed before that 99% of songs are about some guy losing his baby, and everywhere you look you see her, her, her.

It’s a male tendency, albeit it a poor one, to obsesses about an ex post-breakup. Indeed, post-breakup calls to California Psychics by men tend to focus on inquiries about the ex, while females are more interested in future prospects after a split.

Why might this be? For one, the possessive quality of male affection can easily turn to jealousy post-breakup, and thoughts of an ex with another guy can bring intense feelings of sadness, inferiority and anger. The task of finding and pursuing a new female partner seems daunting, especially when one’s self esteem has been shot. And while women can distract themselves post-breakup by going out and being approached by the opposite sex, it’s much more difficult for a guy to receive flirtations he doesn’t initiate.

Whether it’s romantic longing or jealousy, what’s more important than why men obsess over their exes is how to get them to stop. The habit unnecessarily prolongs pain and prevents men from finding the spiritual balance they need to make themselves happy and have successful future relationships. Men, here are six ways to get past your ex. If you’re still stuck, I want to hear from you.

Admit that it’s over: I’ve seen guys bend over backwards to find what-ifs for getting back with their exes, but if she’s already said it’s off, returned your stuff and de-tagged your shared photos on Facebook, it’s time to give her up and keep reading. Even if there’s a possibility for reconciliation in the future, you need to finish round one by getting past her.

-Don’t look back. Until you’ve gotten over her, the best post-breakup policy is no communication. If friendship is in your future she will understand your request for some time-off to heal yourself, whether it takes a week, three months, a year, etc. Don’t make an excuse for ‘only talking as friends’ when your emotions are still at stake. This means no phone calls, texts, or emails. Don’t pry into her life through common friends, and don’t spend a moment checking up on her Facebook or Myspace.

-Let the fantasy go. All relationships have their good and bad aspects, and most failed relationships probably had more bad than good. If you spend all day dreaming about the way her shampoo smelled, you’re never going to move past. Make a list of everything that was wrong, times you were hurt, incompatibilities, etc, and when your thoughts turn what you’re missing, also try to remember what you aren’t. You’ll have the rest of your life to focus on the good times together, but until you’re over her you need to concentrate on the rose’s thorns.

-Write it out. If you’re feeling like you can’t keep your mind off unresolved relationship material with your ex, write it down, all of it. Start a journal, and not only will you have a place for those ideas to occupy that isn’t your every waking thought, you’ll recognize your own healing as time passes and you look back on early entries.

-Treat yourself right (body).
Male tradition holds that your buddies will be welcoming you back into single-hood with a night of getting plastered. Go for it, once, and let your heart-healing start with a hangover. But don’t use alcohol or overeating as a regular means of comfort right now. Instead, reward yourself with exercise. Endorphins are nature’s antidepressant, working out will keep your mind busy, and getting your body in better shape will improve your self confidence.

-Treat yourself right (mind).
Use the free time you have to focus on other means of self-improvement, or just to indulge in what you like doing. Re-connect with an old passion like art or cycling. Read that book that you keep putting off. Study a language and then travel to the country where it’s spoken. The sooner you reassemble a sense of happiness on your own that the relationship had provided, the sooner you won’t agonize over her.

Let us hear from you! Ladies, how does this stack up for you post break up? Men, do you relate to this? How do you get over break ups?

35 thoughts on “Examining Your Ex

  1. Carmie

    I think this article focuses more on my feelings from a female point of view – I can relate to everything you wrote. I don’t know if I’ll ever get over my ex – we have 3 children & it makes it hard – I wish I never had to have anything to do with him again because he hurt me so badly & the hurt never seems to go away. Despite how many people I speak to nothing helps – the break up has cast a shadow over all the happy events that have occured for our boys & it’s something I carry with me all the time – I wish I could move on as easily as he has – he has a new partner & child – I unfortunately can’t get over this in 5 mins like he has …

  2. Freda

    I had a share of break up too.its was not easy 2 move ahead caus it came liike a bomb. He all of a sudden started actin up so i decided 2 visit n know wats up jst 4 him 2 tell me he needed a break.dat bein in a relationship was not his top priority n he needd tym 2 get settled without any1 askin him why he hadt call.it took tym 4 me recover but nw i hav found a faster way to move on.jst get on wit a anoder ,talk to help n use him 2 fget d oder

  3. Lisa

    Lisa From Chicago Nov.10 2011
    I`ve been dealing with A post breakup myself. And ya it stinks. This jerk walked out on me A few days after Valentines day this past year. And it`s still rents space in my head. He played with my emotions and filled my head full of crap that he loved me and would never leave me.That we possibly had A future together. I fell for him and believed his lies. I new prier, he was on an off in a relationship way before me. From what I understood, she used him for money. And that he had ended it with her. Before we got together. This guy treated me like A queen. So I believed him. A few weeks prier him leaving me, he started acting A little different towards me. And ya there were red flags to, but I chose not to see them. I felt something was coming thow. Thee day, he comes over gives me the line that we all know, we need to talk. He started off with lameass excuses and also like in MIKES CASE, same thing “theres no one else”. When they say that, you know their full of it! And to top it off, he wasn`t A real man about ether. I told him, if your not in love with me, your wasting my time. He acted all confused and didn`t know what to say. When he was leaving, I could tell he was as sad as I was. But like what MIKE SAYS, I would rather be hurt with truth then lies. When someone betrays your trust like that, There is no coming back. I would never go crawling back to this lieing cheating jerk who left me. If I where to, he would hurt me again. I took his number out of my phones. He never contacted me. But it`s funny, A friend of ours who originaly introduced us. I will see that friend from time to time. Which is one of his best friends. He`ll bring his name up. I don`t respond to it at all. You got to be indifferent. You have to treat that person like they don`t matter anymore. When I do see our friend, I never bring him up. And thats how you got to be. Know matter how bad your hurting. Just like what Max Able says. No communication what so ever. Make them wonder. And as the saying goes, What comes around goes around. I know he`s getting his. The fact that he went back to someone who is using him. I believe he`s living in his on misery. That makes me feel better. All of us who are dealing with broken hearts, we need to be strong. These people who hurt us, do not rule our lives. Never let them think they won. Remember we all have family and friends who love and will listen to us when where down. Time will heal the hurt.

  4. ginny

    my husband divorced me after 23 years – and was already dating before i even found out about his affair. why would he grieve after everything is all said and done. and how many women has he been with. if our life was so great, we would still be together. we aren’t and never will be.

  5. indigodanceIndigodance

    Dee Dee – yes, the saying “Time heals all wounds” – but time is also a “great revealer as well” – once that process has worked its way through, then “the healing begins”. You cant heal over wound that is festering. It will never heal, poison sets in.

    You are so right in wanting your time to heal alone, your ex hasnt let go.

    He has either realised hes made a mistake and hoping the door is still open, or hoping you dont pick up with an other, ok for him to do, but not you…. “wants his cake and eat it” – as I said to a friend of mine who plays around – eventually you get left with the crumbs… not very satisfing at all.

    You need to let “time reveal” and unfold the truth… then you will see what you are truly meant to see.

    Then time will heal – with love and purity.

  6. Nareena

    Break ups are hard. The article is good but in my case switched around. I am the female and my husband went off with someone else the week after we seperated in December. He tells me to move on. I have and he says he has but he also has his stuff he still. I have kept asking him to move it out but he makes the excuse he has no where to put it. To me that is a sign that he doesn’t completely want out of the marriage and if I send him an email or a text he replies that to me is another sign. Break ups are hard enough when both want out of it but when one wants in and the other out and the one who says they want out and that is it for ever drag it out. That makes it three times as hard.

  7. zxan

    it’s over and there’s no easy way but to look forward and improved what is needed to make a new relationship grow. look on the positive side always.

  8. Jude Asher

    Embrace the breakup. Embrace the lesson you learn. Embrace the time you had to love and be loved. It’s not the end of the world, just the end of the girl. Besides, when a relationship isn’t right, why would you want to settle for less and cause yourself stress?

  9. Dee-dee

    Break up are difficult and if you really loved the person, it makes it all that more difficult, but the saying is true’ time heals all wounds. how does a person break up with you and two weeks later are living with someone else. i realize they are trying to fill the void but does that not add more choas and drama to a persons life. i just don’t understand that, you need time to heal and mend. I just came out of a 6 year relationship and have been apart from the person for over 9 months and they just started calling me again, saying they want to be friends. My wounds are still mending and i find that very difficult to do at this time, i believe i need alone time from that person and heal, why are they still calling?


  10. Sarah

    I just would like to say that ur absolutaly right about having our exes in dreams because pain reappears in our dreams to scream out what we couldnt scream out in the outside .. so we see our beloved ones in dreams especially who broke our heart becoz they r the one who gave us the excessive anguish and sadness .. But we must overcome our ugly dreams and move on becoz live goes on becoz no matter what the price .. life still goes on,, we always have hope to find somenone who will really appreciate us and continue their life with them… soo cheer up guys NO ONE KNOWS AROUND lol

  11. Jay A. Buerger

    I agree with your thoughts regarding men and breakups.
    Getting over someone who has broken your heart is incredibly tough to do, especially when a breakup is a complete shock and the woman of your dreams is with another man a week later, thinking there is a real future with him.
    How can some individuals go from one person to the next to the next. That is my question for you.
    I think your breakup solutions are great and I am working hard to incorporate your solutions into my daily life. I just hope it does not take a couple of years to get over the one that broke my heart.
    Jay in Denver

  12. Melody

    Well, when I saw this I thought it was for men and women. I’m having these issues myself forgetting HIM. I have returned his poems/letters and pictures so I won’t look at them anymore. Our relationship was more good, than bad but there is such a strong chemistry between us and I believe a Pisces connection. (we are both Pisces)
    Regardless, I am having a very difficult time forgetting and wishing it would work. I think it is preventing me from meeting others. Every song, every comments people make about a relationship make me think of him. I feel obsessed over it. You are right about women, we go out with others to try and forget. He never understood why I would jump into that as soon as we broke up. It was a 5 year relationship and we broke up quite a bit. We would stay apart a few months and back again(mostly because of the physical).
    At this time, I am taking a break and trying to focus on self improvement and indulge in what I like to do. Time heals all wounds. Well this one sure is taking time!

  13. Marie

    Then recently in this march 2010, My ex sent me an email…full of compliments….
    It was strange after 1 yr our broke up. He let me know he still alive…
    I remember I struggle 7 months sending him emails 5 times a day but I never have any reply from him..that even it’s raining I don’t care and go on for walking even I’m wearing high heels and sophisticated clothes.. only my tears a witness of my pain and suffering.

    So I decided I have to figure things out and why I keep repeating things that aren’t working…They told me don’t give up sending emails,,,,others says,,,stop it he’s not worthy… emotions collide..and I don’t know where to stop and start a new life..

    All I know is to rest with GOD…read his words that brings life and HE will show you the right words to say..
    and it’s amazing.

    I replied his email saying…MOVE ON AS I MOVED ON! NO TURNING BACK for it will never work out they way we want it….

  14. Marie

    Because no one will loves you unconditionally but yourself alone. If your ex dumped you…don’t force them to be with you.. Give time and try to focus about your life and boost your confidence. I was like crazy when my wedding never come true. It was a painful break up because we’re about to get marry asap and then one day it shuts down? but I have a will to move on and leave it ALL TO GOD. I always told myself My ex is not a GOD who can give me everything…why would I chase him well in fact he could care less. I have a positive outlook and keep my heads up. I know what I did…tears were overwhelming but I can’t heal it alone..thus, I spent almost my time to Bible Study and go ice skating and having busy at work and go home late at night just to forget the pain for awhile.

    It’s hard when they took the key of your heart..but keep in mind,,,IT WASN’T MEAN TO BE.

  15. Linda

    You know all this talk about breakups being permanent is not always the case depending on the dynamics. It could also be a positive for both involved to gain perspective and a renewed strength for the relationship to rekindle. Motivating factors result in self improvement which creates a new found respect for your ex as well as yourself. We sometimes “lose ourselves” and a breakup does help to gain focus on what went wrong and to attempt to give it another try. Winners never quit, if the person you are with is so very compatible in many ways it is worth the effort, especially if your partner feels the same way. We live in a throw away society and it shouldn’t carry over into human beings, we all make mistakes and hopefully grow from them. Giving people a second chance is the right thing to do.

  16. Sparkle

    Also, I don’t understand why, if reconciliation is possible, the article tells the man to “get past her” first with no contact? If he dumped her, and is sorry or wrong for doing it, why have distance and a forced period of no communication? Wouldn’t it be less hurtful to make amends and communicate with the woman instead of “getting past her”?

  17. Sparkle

    Interesting article. I was just dumped again by a man who is done this 6 times, but each time, returns saying he is finally ready for a relationship. I take him back, because each time he has grown a bit more, and my hope in his potential is strong – I do love him. Each time, he leaves saying he thought he was ready, but isn’t, and that he can’t handle the stress of a relatioship – he has been divorced for 2 years after a 20 year marriage to an alcholic woman. I am not her. Each time he leaves, I have questions as to what he was up to (part of his reason for leaving is that he can’t handle the questions). He is obsessed with maintaining communication with his many lady friends (both ex-girlfriends and women he met during our break ups), and although he says he is perfectly willing to “let go” of the inappropriate ones when he has returned, finds a way during our reestablished relationship to blame me for the loss of them. I don’t understand the attachment. I then wonder, if he will return again after he has left, because emotionally, I have become accustomed to him returning with such sincerity of speed, that it is hard for me to say no – my hope stays strong. Unlike the article, I, the woman can’t stop holding on to his potential or the fact that he may return, one step more prepared to have a mature relationship. Sounds crazy I know. I am following the steps in this article and realize that this is just as hard for the woman.

  18. Rebecca

    Wow. And I thought that I had tough times. In a relationship there needs to be respect and honor. All or nothing. My ex and I are still friends after a nearly a 2 1/2 year relationship, not because of necesssity (we never married and I have no children, never moved in with him, etc.), but because we respected each other. Let go of the controlling men. They will take you to the places my mother has been (she has an issue with them). She has been on the streets living under a bridge, one of her ex’s was planning on killing her by poisoning her, another one beat her. Debra, you have the warning signs. Tell all of the men to get the heck out of your life, that you never want to see them again. Give yourself time to heal, to realize the person you truly are.
    Also, it is not yourself that you have to change, rather you have to realize the person you are, a strong, creative, very caring one who deserves, not a knight in shining armor, but a man who will respect you for who you are, for the gift that is you. But as I stated earlier, first you need to let yourself heal, as well as to realize the person you truly are.
    Good luck and Blessed Be

  19. Debra

    I am not proud of what I am about to say…But I have every one beat…in the ‘knowing you should leave them dept.’ I am going to try and make a long story short as possible, and then duck as I know all will want to hit me with invisible pillows, and ask me ‘what the hell is wrong with you?’
    On the last months of a 8 year divorce and custody battle,( where my ex-husband had his now deceased girl friend ( whom he abused as well)and family doing all of the work…)I won full custody with an apology…but that isn’t the ‘it’….that was bad,the divorce was really grueling, heart breaking, humiliating, heart breaking, exhausting, depressing, and all the uglies that go with that…
    On The four year of the 8th year, a friend, a very, very, wealthy friend, insisted I took his help. He said and I quote ” Debbie, let me help you, I have the money you don’t, I like a good fight and I don’t lose, you have been a good friend,you are a good mother, and a good person, and I do not want to see you and your son go through any more of this……NO STRINGS Attached!”
    I know the red flag, if they mean it they shouldn’t have to say it…No Strings attached…that was four years ago…
    Of coarse Strings started attaching all over…
    I thought I would be OK because I had known him for a long time,( I had heard the rumors of his temper) But I had never seen it.
    He became obsessed with me, his family started calling me, telling me I should be having sex with him for all the money he was putting out….!
    Before he ever made the offer, I had been celibate up to that moment to close to 5 years, I made it clear to any one and every one, I did not want to be in a relationship again….ever, or for at least until I felt good about myself again…
    This man has people stalking me, reporting my comings and goings, he hired the lawyers to lose the case!!!! So he could have me all to him self…
    I had to have a tax paying job, and he was of coarse my boss….NO No No….and this is still not
    the BAD one YET!!!
    8 years….fighting for my son,who was being abused,( by dad’s girl friends)on top of that 8 years over lap, The crazy rich man ( no I stayed celibate!!!)
    The bad one is last year, right after I won full custody,and the rich one now has me on a obligation, invisible collar and chain, and still making life hell…
    I meet “HIM”
    Latin,5’4″ came up to me at the grocery store…
    and oh so humble, kind and sweet, soft spoken, with just a hint of an accent…said…” Please, I do not go around asking people for their phone numbers, ( red flag) “I am” he continued “a very private person”
    To make this oh so very long story short, it is a year and almost half later, The sweet heart of a man, where I hated all men at that moment, caught me of guard or sick of getting my arm twisted, by my ex- and the rich man, I don’t know how it happened,8 years of celibacy and had no intentions of changing…he, as soon as 8 months of explaining to this man I was fragile, hated men, did not, can not handle sex at the moment…got in the door to fix things, and handy man,he told me too he was celibate and went through the same exact thing in his divorce.Oh yea said he spoke 5 languages, was a
    three time black belt…has two of every thing, is building a house on the water…
    he would take me to feed his two horses ( My weakness, my passion my love for horses)
    One night, it just happened……..
    and with in 3 months he turned into a controlling, critical, complaining, MARRIED man ( a arranged marriage…for money ) ( he sleeps has slept in my bed for a year,now every night)…with controlling rich man still in the picture….
    And now, I love him???? But I have to let him go….I am a mess.
    I am an artist, I can’t work, I am so tired…
    I know what I have to do, but it still a stupid situation….I know I must change me, and who I attract, and clear every body out of my life!
    But it is still painful…
    Just imagine what I have to leave out, or this would be a book.
    Debra aka Gypsies Muse

  20. claudiadenise2

    thanks jjenny, I really appreciate your posting. My boyfriend of 3 years dumped me 5 daysafter I had an accident. Cut my hand badly needed surgery etc.. The guy went back to a old gf. I started obsessing but after reading your posting, I am going to stop and move forward! It is hard when the carpet is pulled out from under you but I believe this will make me stronger….

  21. indigodanceIndigodance

    Ayalal, it was so painful to read your reply. I know what its like to be part of an obsessive relationship triangle. Belive me the warning signs are your own – thinking about following him ??
    That should tell you all by itself this is not healthy relationship – there is no trust.
    A soulmate lesson learned.
    His loss, but at the moment neither of you are walking in your own truth. Just each others blindness. Stand in your own truth and take your life back.
    Love and blessings.

  22. mike

    I agree 100%. I would rather be hurt with the truth than a lie. The is the best and no one would obsess as much.I just got out of a great, so I thought, relationship. Everything is perfect and in a matter of a few hours, no arguing or nothing, its over. The only words were, she swears there is nobody else. No reason or answers. It would be easier to just have the truth.

  23. wole

    The guy was never faithful, ur relationship was base on liars ,he lied about is divorces,this guy is selfish ,u love him yes u do,but have u ask ur self are u happy with this guy and his making u happy.whatever decision u are going to make ur happiness and that of ur two teenager is very important.

  24. Max Able

    Zoe, I can hardly keep track of this guy just from reading your post! It sounds like he needs to figure out what he wants, and it is definitely not fair for you to be in relationship limbo with him while he does it. You should make it clear what sort of relationship you want to him, and do so with the ultimatum that if he can’t give it to you then you’re gone. And don’t compromise! If you leave him and he runs back to her, you’ve saved yourself more of the heartache you’re feeling now. If he decides he wants to be with you, you will have a more sincere and coherent partner.

  25. Max Able

    Kathy, I think commenter Jenny does a brilliant job of warning you what pain this relationship would have in store for you if you resumed it. I was ready to dismiss this guy after the first line of your post! You need to let go of the fantasy. The only huge mistake would have been to stay with him. Stop doubting yourself, and stop sweetening your memories of the man who treated you so poorly. I know that hurt was shared with love, but that love will come again without the pain, and you deserve it. I applaud your choice to leave him, and I have no doubt that you are going to do so much better for yourself!

  26. Max Able

    Heide – browneyes is spot-on. Your current “flame” should not be with you if he’s still caught in the undertow of his ex, and it’s not your responsibility to bring him closure. The fact that you describe him as “obsessed with his ex” makes me very suspicious of his consideration for you. This guy’s either not ready to be with you, or not worth your being with. Leave and let him prove that he deserves you.
    And browneyes, thank you for sharing your story as caution to Heidi and others who may be in her situation. Your honest perspective on your former relationship tells me that your heart is well on its way to healing.

  27. Wendy

    If they are still in love with someone else they are the only ones that can change that.Not you. I’ve been married for ten years now to a good man. His ex till today still chases him. She left him for another man but when she found out he was seeing someone else he had to put a restraining order againest her. Some women don’t take no for an answer. He has to stand up as my husband did. Everyone will find the right person in there life that will make them happy. You can’t waste your time on someone that has his mind some where else.Go out and enjoy yourself. Believe me life is to short to wait on someone and play head games. There are to many single men out there looking for a good woman.

  28. Terrell

    i’ve learned that relationships are just like gardens, you have to be willing to cut those beautiful rose bushes back with faith that the new budz are on their way, but alot of people can’t come to cut those old flowers away! as thorny as the situation sounds, it’s better to prune unecessary things out of ur life early, rather than letting them grow wildly out of control leaving you with a big mess to fight through.

  29. Jenny

    Kathy….this guy didn’t tell the whole truth, (divorced–not–yup), gave ultimatums (all or nothing), is immature (you’re a liar and never loved me). He’s manipulative, doesn’t listen to your needs, only thinks of what’s good for him, is pushy, domineering, and controlling. Ya, you say you love him….could it be that you have been lonely, needing some type of intimacy, and wanting someone with you? Many of us don’t know what real love is because we have been caught in relationships that are very bad, abusive, etc. You did the right thing breaking up with him. Your gut was telling you something. He’s not good for you. All I see in him is a huge potential for abuse in some way….he already has done so. Stay away. You have your teens to think of as well as yourself.

  30. Jessica

    Kathy from NY, how are you doing? That’s incredibly painful. I had something like that happen. The man I love was and still is married. At the beginning, he thought he would be able to just leave and make a life with me. He was very open at home about me and his feelings for me. About 3 or 4 months into us, he told me that his wife was going to insist that he leave. I said, “I’m glad you told me. Let’s figure out what to do.” He wasn’t coming up with, or at least not talking about what he thought he’d do. I was imagining that he’d get an apartment and have time with his son, and that we could have a real chance to grow our relationship. Because he didn’t have any answers, I made a couple of suggestions about the apartment idea and being available to help him find one he liked. I ended up explaining that he must know how much I want to make a life with him, and share a home together, I wanted it to be because we decided together that we were ready to do that. I said that if he moved in because he didn’t have another option, it might not be a good start to things, and that if, on the other hand, he then moved out again, it could be very unsettling for our relationship. I didn’t know until 8 or 9 months later, but he was deeply hurt by that. He didn’t understand how I could feel that way. Once I learned this from him, I addressed it, of course, but it was too late. After all those months of carrying that around and all the emotions and thoughts he’d had about it, the damage was done. We’re in limbo at this point, not because of that in particular, but I do know, Kathy, those awful feelings you must be having. Is it possible for you to contact him and talk to him? It sounds like fear on his part. I know that when I said the things I did to my sweetie, it was out of love for him and concern for our relationship and our future. I don’t know, Kathy, but I imagine that, like me, you wanted to enjoy the natural development of your relationship with the man you love–that you wanted the romance of his coming to that conclusion that he wants to be with you always and make a complete life with you. Is that kind of it? It’s wonderful and good to want that. If you can talk with him, let him know how you really feel, Kathy. I’ve learned that’s it deeply important to listen first–to listen unconditionally to what he’s saying, and to respond to what he’s saying–not to your feelings about what he’s saying. Make a safe place for him to open up to you. At the same time, Kathy, make sure that you don’t get pushed into a situation that you’re not ready for. You deserve to be with someone who can respect your needs and feelings, while wanting to have his own heard by you. I’d love to hear how you’re doing, Kathy, and my heart goes out to you.

  31. Zoe Ainsley

    i can relate to this. sad but what can i do… i tend to help my friend (guy) to move on…pity coz i thought he did coz that’s what he told me..we’ve been friends longtime and didnt get a chance to communicate for some reasons then our path crossed again last may 2009..we started dating june and i ended up staying with him since august..but until now he dont know what to do. i asked him what are we and he said we are couple but not official.!for him he’s afraid of getting hurt again. onetime he took side coz the ex knows how to get him with whatever situation..it hurts me leaving him alone but its unfair on my part to go on with the situation knowing that i will end up as a REBOUND or a friend with benefits..it is more confusing if he’s telling me that he wants to work out what we are having now..what should i do?

  32. ayalal

    Woman go through the same thing. I have been in a relationshipf or 8 years. Because he lives in another state it was not always the case), we only see each other for a few days, every four to six weeks. The past year he has pulled away from me soo much, so I tried to end it and he agreed. I put a lot of distance between us, and he came back to me again. All I think about is what he is doing when not in work. What woman he could be possibly seeing. If I were not so far away I might actually follow him to see if he is doing what he says he is after working hours. 24 hours per day I think of every possible scenerio as to what he is doing. I think no matter male or female, we need the TRUTH and there would be less obsessivenes and driving questions. But male or female, the always tell you what is easiest for them. If it helps, I had two previous marriages where my husbands cheated, I got to know the signes and the type of lies very well, You can be honest and still be tender. When there are no questions to get obsessed over, less obsession…

  33. browneyes

    Oh Heidi, I dont know how long your flame has been broken up with his ex but, I went through that last year. The first date that I had with this man, he told me about this woman and how she broke his heart. My heart went out to him. I dated him for six months thinking that he would get past it. I fell in love with him and at one point I let him know that her name came up way too often in our conversations. He swore he wasnt in love with her anymore but after six months, he still couldnt committ to me, not even in a minor way of just being exclusive. We broke up. Now I am the one that is heartbroken and feel that I am in the same situation that he was.
    Watch out Heidi. I could be wrong but sounds like your man is still very hung u on his ex. There will no room for you until he is over her. Walk away now with the explanation to him that you cannot fight this womans memory. Let him know that when he puts her behind him to let you know, MAYBE you will still be around. If he cares for you enough, he will deal with his issue and come back.
    If anyone disagrees with me, please tell Heidi differently but I wiah I had done this last year, maybe things would have worked out differently.

  34. kathy from NY

    I was dating a man for 2 years, who told me he was divorced–and wasn’t. He filed for divorce recently and started moving in with me too rapidly–his son was not very nice to me (age 13) and I have 2 teenagers. When I asked him to slow down he said “It is all or nothing”. Instead of leaving him I said I would marry him eventually–he was too pushy. The circumstances pushed me to break up with him. I truly love him, and I miss him dearly–he called me a liar and said I never loved him. How am I going to get on now? I think about how I might have made a huge mistake and I cannot concentrate. What do the stars say?


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