You’ve heard the saying that cheaters never prosper… but what if it’s not true? What if cheaters do thrive in some environments? And what if it’s not (completely) their fault? If you’re the repeat victim of partners who step out for a little something on the side, it’s time to consider the possibility that you’re not only being taken advantage of on this plane, but that you’re actually footing the spiritual bill!
How so? Most of the time those who fall “victim” to cheating aren’t victims at all. They may like to play the victim (“Why can’t I find a committed partner? Is anybody faithful anymore?”), but really, they’re just people who ignore their hunches in order to cling to the status quo. Whether it’s fear of being alone, concerns that they somehow deserve bad treatment or the genuine belief that no one is faithful (at least no one they could score), victim types create a petri dish in which cheaters’ bad behavior grows and flourishes… After all, some cheaters will tell you, what’s to keep you faithful when the person you’re with basically expects you to cheat? It’s almost (says cheater) like their partners are willing their infidelity!
Sound familiar? If so, ask yourself – how many times have you suspected something was going on, but chosen not to confront your mate? Or if you have confronted them, how many times have you either accepted answers that defied logic (and the BS smell test) or allowed yourself to believe their promise that “this will never happen again” even though you knew, deep down, that it most definitely would?
The bottom line? Cheaters only prosper when they don’t have to face the consequences of their actions. And if you settle for being cheated on – with very few exceptions – you’re the one who’s failing to thrive by missing out on the opportunity to share the kind of loving (if sometimes difficult) growth that an honest relationship can provide.
What do you think – what can happen if you settle for being cheated on?
21 thoughts on “Winning By Cheating”
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Hello i am new here but wanted to share with some of You who are wondering how You feel in Your relationship..
There is a wonderful book that makes a bit of diffrence in the way someone sees things it’s Called >Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship by Mira Kirshenbaum.< Yes i read it and felt mine at the time was to bad to stay..
Yet it failed to explain to me, how to follow the Gut feelings when the next one came along.. the men that use the Player system are as a norm i have found, pretty good at putting up a front ( what a Good man ) untill the Dam breaks and You see them for who they are.. it is nothing "now" for me to say i'm done and wont take this or that behavior and Just walk away. at almost 53 its my turn to dance in the light i want, and with the "one" person who wants to dance too.. Love, Laughter and Living is all there is in the end..
Yes, we’re all having similar problems – strange that we have had a good deal of change to women’s rights as individuals since the “Mad Men” days of the 60’s and way before that, but emotionally the situations are archaic at best – nothing new, nothing changed with the exception that we can be a bit more vocal about it and we have learned that an important part of being freer to make decisions on our lives is by being financially independent. There is a slow, but I believe, definitive mutation to learning not to care as much if “things don’t work out” and that “having to be married” is not the be all and end all for a woman – even if she has children – there’s the hook, once you have them, you are “wedded” to protecting/caring/watching over and not “upsetting” their lives – thus you try to make it work one way or the other. But I think we need to get over that once because if you are not good for/to yourself, you will not be good for anyone else. If you decide to leave a relationship, you must do it well, with care and consideration but with pride and conviction. If we are raising sons, those sons will see your stance and seek a woman who meets a certain standard for them-a mother who puts up with a bad husband (physically or emotionally damaging) does not do her sons justice. The best women attract the better men because those women hold the bar higher – for daughters, even more so. I say better to stay home on a Saturday night than go out on a ‘loser” date. Also, women need to be aware that other women out there are not helping the situation because they are nest robbers and they perpetuate the image that women are only here for sexual gratification to men and do not pursue a higher objective.
so all or should i say most women around the globe are facing similar problems. ’cause men all over the world are cheats, huh?
but i know of some men(relatives, colleagues) who can be faithful and true.
when i think back i know i have not been a perfect wife(but i never strayed, cross my heart and ..) but then my imperfection per se did warrant such infidelity.
my daughter says forget it . it is common. thinking about it makes it worse. accept it.
i pray to the good Lord that my daughter gets a thoughtful, faithful husband.
Men view sex differently from women. For men…it’s just a physical act….for women…it’s more of an emotional act. He may be sleeping with someone else…but it doesn’t mean he loves her.
Very interesting topic. I was in a bad marriage for 30 yrs and stayed for many silly reasons. He cheated on me several times that I knew about and Im sure there were times that I never suspected. But that wasnt the only problem in the marriage. But I do know that me “putting out” to him was not the reason he cheated the first time. For some men it is simply that someone else makes themselves available and most men will not say no when sex is offered. Thats just a simple truth.
Then there is the woman who cheats or wants to cheat because her husband is so selfish in the bedroom that he may be there physically but he only thinks of himself and the woman is left lying there unfulfilled after the deed is done. Most women want more than just the act itself. There has to be a little romance, the caresses and the kisses to make it enjoyable and a fulfilling experience. But for me it was the old Wham Bam Thank You Maam and he went to sleep. I would lie there and fantasize about what it would be like with someone that knew how to please a woman.
Cheaters will always exist and thats just the way it is. I think women and men alike have to just make their own decision as to whether they will tolerate it or not. I guess it comes down to what you can live with and what you cant.
We have to trust our instinct when it comes to that. That nagging feeling!!!! I met a guy while shopping one day about 8 months ago. He was very charming, simple, good listener and down to earth. I started going out with him two months after. He calls me 3 to 4 times a day and I see him 2 to 3 week. He was very sweet. He has two sons from previous relationship.
More than a few times we made plans and out the blue he would just cancel it and use his sons as an excuse. At first I let it pass, but there’s that nagging feeling that he was lying. I confronted him about my suspicions and asked him if he was involved with somebody else. He looked me in the eye and said no.
More than a month ago, I got a mysterious call. I was told that he was indeeed involved with somebody. The caller left me a name and a place of work. I got mad at the caller and told the caller off. I told my ex about the incident and asked him about her. He said he used to date her but not anymore. And that she’s his past and I should leave it alone. I listened to him because he made me believe that I was the only one. After a few days, I had that nagging feeling again. I needed to know if it’s true or not.
I was able to get her phone number. I called her up and met up with her. All my suspicions were right. It turned out that he’s been seeing her for the last 12 years. And in between those years, this is not the first time he cheated. There was a woman whom he was also seeing for 5 years while with her. And before me, another woman whom he got pregnant. Every time he would make a promise that it won’t happen again. I was so shocked .
I felt so sorry for the woman who he’s been seeing for such a long time, but at the same time I wonder why she kept on taking him back. I was thinking maybe there’s something wrong with her or what. She also helps him out financially. My ex asked me if I wanted to patch things up with him and that he would try to be a better person. I told him I won’t take him back. Now he’s mad at me for exposing him like this and for confronting the other woman. He said that it’s my fault that his life is a mess right now. I never thought that man like that existed for real.
Did I go too far?
back again. yes to all your comments. but why does he feel he can open up to another woman he barely knows rather than his wife?
and, yes, i am also not ‘sexually active’ as a pathologist put it when i went for my annual health check up. the silver line? the ‘pap smear test’ need not be done every year!
‘Thoughtful ‘I find it humorous that you say guys are Horney so put out. You are exactly the stereotype expletive I am tired of hearing. What about the the horney wife and the husband doesn’t put out? My husband has been depriving me of sex since I got married and it got worse as time went on, to the point of begging. Yes, I felt and do feel rejected. If I didn’t know there was nothing wrong with me from past life experience, I probably would have committed suicide by now, that’s how bad I have felt in my marriage. See my post below. There so much more to the story people, it’s not that simple. I am coming to the conclusion that men cannot be faithful to one woman.
From my personal experience, men cheat because they can! Period.
I do not see those who have been cheated on as victims, as no one owns another’s sexuality. In the context of an arrangement to be exclusive to one sexual partner, if one strays and does what we call “cheats,” I see the cheater as the victim to their own lies. They are not comfortable enough with the one they committed to, to express the feelings they are experiencing. In fact the one who strays must develop tall tales to explain their disappearance from the relationship. Often times you hear the one that has been cheated on say, I had no idea. Rightly so, but is that one the victim? No, the one who lies to their own self within is the victim, and only they can save themselves by opening up and living in honesty about their needs, wants and desires. No one wants to share a life with someone they don’t want to be with, and often they cheat to avoid the real story, or to give the commitment first right of knowledge all in the name of not hurting their feelings.
Also, there are those who accept infidelity, my aunt let her husband spend all the time he wanted with prostitutes, but he never left her, nor did they share any intimacy. Contracts come in all shapes and sizes. With open relationships becoming more and more popular, the notion of grandma and gramps in the same house is becoming rare.
I want to help you all to understand why cheating happens in the first place and how to avoid it. Very simple do the things you like and are willing to do through out the relationship. The problem begins when you don’t put out. A sense of rejection occurs you loose the passion or excitement that you had in the begining. To avoid this add a little something to the relationship be open to please your partner while pleasing yourself. Its give and take. The problem doesn’t develope overnight. Keep your love knew and you will not have a problem. Guys are always horny just keep us for you.
Excellent, Darcy – your counsel to your daughters is very constructive – not from a pessimistic view of marrying or choosing a special man – simply wise, prudent and realistic to be a real person participating in the world not just a reflection of a man.
hi, i am 52 yrs. old and married for 26yrs. i have two children. a great job.
my husband has been cheating me for the past ten years(at least to my knowledge!). i am not financially dependant on him. but my son does not know about this. my daughter does.
the first time i confronted him(he used to receive smses at midnight and i was curious, too stupid to realise the obvious.)he admitted. but as i did not know much about mobile/cell phones those days, he immediately deleted the messages and said nobody would believe me if i told them he was cheating.
i do not know why i stay with him. and i do not know if i could leave him if it comes to that .
i am a reiki master and believe in alternate therapies. and am a great fan of Louise Hay. i have read most of her books. very comforting in times of stress, her books.
and now i am wondering why i posted this comment!
is it of any use?
What if you don’t think it’s real cheating yet….meaning the dirty deed situation hasn’t happened but you feel that your significant other is always on the “lookout”/check out – secretly doing so because they have been warned due to previous flirting/too familiar situations and so now they are hiding it better. This is not a case of porn addition or hustle ladies – but the need to satisfy the “spark” of a new relationship (just flirting-need for speed) that can lead to something else over a long time. The often heard remark is “I guess I do it because I need to feel accepted/reinforcement of confidence) – I don’t mean anything by it and very sorry it has hurt you”. – but the situations are always lingeringly there and it trust that this mannerism will never change.
What I feel is so interesting is that it doesn’t take a cheater to be a victim. I have been one on the end of being cheated on (left that one- and regret it now) and on the other end, someone claiming to never have cheated on me yet betrays my love in countless other ways by putting many other people ahead of me and not truly loving me. I searched for one who would not cheat on me physically, and I married him, so now I too don’t get sex either…LOL. I don’t know which is worse; someone who fulfils your passionate needs and desires and gets some on the side or the other who doesn’t physically cheat but emotionally is engaged in everything else but you. The first one was not great looking but loving and generous, the second is a beautiful stunner but cold. He puts everything and anything before me especially himself. The priorities can be anything in the priority list from the family of origin- parents, brothers, to the kids or work. This leaves me helpless, drained and exasperated. For me, I don’t know what’s worse, someone who gives you the emotional, physical, tangible passionate love who cheats on you or the distant, dismissive, cold love of a ‘non-cheater’.
This situation is much more complex that I thought and living it has required new thinking on my part. The other new thinking I have is that I don’t think a woman who decides to stay is the martyr or weak anymore. I think it’s harder to stay and that it is leaving. Leaving is certainly the easy way to go for yourself, but the unintended victims and harm done to innocents exists.
My mother told me the exact same thing as you Darcee, “Make sure whatever you do, make sure you have an education and a job to fall back on in case your relationship doesn’t work out.” She said she would not be with my father if she had the credentials to make money but she didn’t have the power to leave so she stayed for us kids. What young silly girl is going to believe that? Of course my relationship is going to work out; it’s just my parents who are screwed up! I’m glad she stayed because he has changed quite a bit, especially towards us kids, and my mom lives a great life. He is generous.
And so it goes, the same cycle repeating itself in the next generation. The woman who decides to stay for her children and keeping the family intact has some validity in my opinion. If it weren’t for my children, I too would have been gone long ago. It’s not ego anymore or hurt feelings anymore, been there done that. And Yes, I can support my kids, plus alimony of course, but I don’t want to rip them of a home life. So I suck it up and take whatever good moments I can get and I do get a lot of them, though I am not #1 really in anyone’s life except my own. It’s an ego crusher, but I get over it every day.
So what’s a girl to do? My options: 1. Divorce, ouch, this rips everyone up, I made this choice to marry and give kids’ parents (shall I also take this away?) I should have thought long and hard about that before I set these kids up, or, 2. Stick it out until they are in college and rip them up at that time as well as take away ‘grandparents for their children’ in the traditional sense, or 3. Get a little fun on the side and keep the family life in order. Not the most moral thing to do. So, what’ a girl to do?
What would you do? Not, much of a great choice out there. This is my path and no one else’s. Here’s the big kicker, I actually find that I still really love my husband. I have a nice home, a nice car, I travel, don’t struggle like many divorced or single women, and have somewhat of a family social life. I am going back to school and I live life. I used to judge a woman who stayed as weak with no backbone, but not anymore…until you walk in another’s shoes.
I think this may be both true, although I still find myself riled up about cheaters. I was given mixed messages growing up, both that I had to get married when I grew up, and that I’d never be able to get married, but that I’d better get married because I’d never be able to hold down a job (my mother didn’t like me very much). The idea of getting married seemed threatening to me because of what my mother had given up for marriage (a career in music, which I truly believe was her first and perhaps only love).
As an adult, every relationship I’ve been in, the men have cheated on me, and I have walked away from each and every one, but in the end I feel a sense of relief in being single. So maybe it’s true that I invite cheaters to me so that I have a way out of a relationship when it doesn’t work, as I guess I don’t have that much faith in other people to believe that one would work for me.