Why Your Date Suddenly Disappeared

Disappearing on men is simply easier than telling each one exactly why I don’t intend to see them again. Quite bluntly, I probably didn’t think the person deserved an explanation. The guy usually said or did something that was a “deal-breaker” in my book. For example, one date told me “The word ‘no’ just isn’t sexy” after I politely refused to reveal my sexual fantasy. Another guy texted me “You seemed so distant last time we saw each other, and you were wearing way too many clothes.” I received this the day after we had a pleasant date in which we connected without being intimate. Both statements were red flags that proved these guys did not have respect for me; thus, I felt no obligation to inform them of my disinterest in a future meeting.

However, not all reasons for my disappearances are this obvious or easy. Yes, some guys don’t deserve a proper break-up because they were so completely disrespectful, but other guys were actually gentleman with a lot to offer a woman! This is another reason to disappear instead of officially breaking things off: I don’t feel a spark now, but I may want to revisit this guy when I hit a dry spell. Quite the selfish approach, but that’s the truth, and just another dating survival strategy. If I disappear on this “nice” guy, I can probably reappear sometime with a grand excuse like work, school, or family issues… And this good guy will most likely believe my explanation, comfort me, and let me back into his life. If I had engaged him in a formal separation, then it would be more difficult to grovel back. Basically, when one disappears, there is a mystery that lends itself to an excuse story in which feelings do not get hurt… as much.

So, from my woman’s perspective, I disappear on the guys that are total jerks or I’m just not that into (but see potential in). Likewise, I believe men disappear for the same two reasons: they were completely turned off by something I said/did or they were not that into me (but think they can ignore me for a while and return when they get lonely). I have experienced both: one guy disappeared on me because I idiotically told him on the third date “I broke up with my ex after he said he didn’t see a future with me.” Another guy I could sense was not into me on the first date because he avoided eye contact, and said he had to leave early to avoid traffic, yet he continued to text me randomly every week until finally disappearing. He could probably tell I was a good woman with similar interests to him but was just not thrilled enough to pursue me.

The fact of the matter remains that when you are truly into someone, you will make sure he or she knows you are still interested and will make time for you no matter how busy one’s schedule may be. My mother told me, on the third date, my dad drove an hour in the rain on his Moped to eat her crappy homemade enchiladas. They’ve been married over 30 years now.

I can say from experience that people vanish because they don’t value you or they are just not that into you. So, my advice to men and women alike is: do not give someone the option of reappearing; but, if you must let a man or woman resurface into your life, it should be for a legitimate reason and make him or her work for it! A text or call isn’t enough to make up for doubting one’s feelings for you. You are a prize! Demand more because you are worth more—especially considering that when the chemistry is there, neither of you desire to leave in the first place. Dating should not be a game of hide-and-go-seek. Dating should be a fun game of checkers in which the rules are simple, and you each make a thoughtful move toward the other.

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3 thoughts on “Why Your Date Suddenly Disappeared

  1. Dave

    This is exactly why this former nice guy immediately gives up on little girls like you without considering pursuing. I’m not in high school anymore, and I’m not sitting around waiting on your dry spell B-list.

    No straight-up communication and a lack of respect for the other person. You’re a classless time-waster if you ask me – a red flag that confirms you’re not good enough for me in the first place.

    Ignore me and you’ve lost any chance of getting my attention back in the future. I won’t be manipulated!

  2. Lulu

    I usually disappear after first date. The very first date is enough for me to know whether there is potential with the guy or not. If a guy emails me asking for a second date or just asks for feedback I usually say the truth – no chemistry and no spark sorry.. I had a guy disappear on my after 4 dates. This is truely hurtful experience because my thinking was ‘ if he keeps seeing me it means he likes me’, he even was saying that he really liked me etc etc .. and suddenly he was gone. No explanations, no nothing. I never contacted him either. .. well, i did, ones.. asking if he was still inerested and he said HE WAS VERY INTERESTED but he was gone after that … strange.. He was 52 y.o. Perhasp little boys never grow up and never learn how to treat a woman with respect.

  3. Greg

    Your explanation for not being courteous enough to let a nice guy know why you disappeared makes little sense. If you saw “potential” then why would you not go on another date or two with him to see what that potential was. Why would more potential materialize weeks or months later? You yourself close by saying dating should not be a game of hide and seek, and yet earlier you seem to rationalize yourself doing just that.
    If a guy is decent, have the decency to explain why you do not want to go out again. .Frankly, it is frustrating to find so many women, after having had a good date or two, deciding immediately that there is not enough “chemistry” or they are “just not feeling it” when sometimes it takes several or more dates for chemistry or real connections to blossom. Everyone wants instant everything these days, and we all suffer for it.


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