Disappearing on men is simply easier than telling each one exactly why I don’t intend to see them again. Quite bluntly, I probably didn’t think the person deserved an explanation. The guy usually said or did something that was a “deal-breaker” in my book. For example, one date told me “The word ‘no’ just isn’t sexy” after I politely refused to reveal my sexual fantasy. Another guy texted me “You seemed so distant last time we saw each other, and you were wearing way too many clothes.” I received this the day after we had a pleasant date in which we connected without being intimate. Both statements were red flags that proved these guys did not have respect for me; thus, I felt no obligation to inform them of my disinterest in a future meeting.
However, not all reasons for my disappearances are this obvious or easy. Yes, some guys don’t deserve a proper break-up because they were so completely disrespectful, but other guys were actually gentleman with a lot to offer a woman! This is another reason to disappear instead of officially breaking things off: I don’t feel a spark now, but I may want to revisit this guy when I hit a dry spell. Quite the selfish approach, but that’s the truth, and just another dating survival strategy. If I disappear on this “nice” guy, I can probably reappear sometime with a grand excuse like work, school, or family issues… And this good guy will most likely believe my explanation, comfort me, and let me back into his life. If I had engaged him in a formal separation, then it would be more difficult to grovel back. Basically, when one disappears, there is a mystery that lends itself to an excuse story in which feelings do not get hurt… as much.
So, from my woman’s perspective, I disappear on the guys that are total jerks or I’m just not that into (but see potential in). Likewise, I believe men disappear for the same two reasons: they were completely turned off by something I said/did or they were not that into me (but think they can ignore me for a while and return when they get lonely). I have experienced both: one guy disappeared on me because I idiotically told him on the third date “I broke up with my ex after he said he didn’t see a future with me.” Another guy I could sense was not into me on the first date because he avoided eye contact, and said he had to leave early to avoid traffic, yet he continued to text me randomly every week until finally disappearing. He could probably tell I was a good woman with similar interests to him but was just not thrilled enough to pursue me.
The fact of the matter remains that when you are truly into someone, you will make sure he or she knows you are still interested and will make time for you no matter how busy one’s schedule may be. My mother told me, on the third date, my dad drove an hour in the rain on his Moped to eat her crappy homemade enchiladas. They’ve been married over 30 years now.
I can say from experience that people vanish because they don’t value you or they are just not that into you. So, my advice to men and women alike is: do not give someone the option of reappearing; but, if you must let a man or woman resurface into your life, it should be for a legitimate reason and make him or her work for it! A text or call isn’t enough to make up for doubting one’s feelings for you. You are a prize! Demand more because you are worth more—especially considering that when the chemistry is there, neither of you desire to leave in the first place. Dating should not be a game of hide-and-go-seek. Dating should be a fun game of checkers in which the rules are simple, and you each make a thoughtful move toward the other.