Speak Up: Can You Be Friends With Your Ex?

When you haven’t gotten over your ex, is it possible to still be friends? Probably not at that point. Learn to focus on healing yourself so that you can be whole without him first.

Here’s a Hint: No!

Lucy from Bradford, United Kingdom asks:

I still haven’t gotten over my ex. Anti-depressants, therapy, now the fat farm because I’m eating for the world. He wanted to stay friends. I couldn’t handle it. He turned his back on me. Could we ever resume a friendship, now that I’m stronger?

Carmen’s Response:

Dear Lucy! I hate to break this to you, but no, you cannot remain friends. And honestly, why would you want to? The reason you want his friendship is because you hope that he’ll change his mind and that he’ll come back to you, if you only lose weight / become happy again / have more self-confidence (insert here whatever thing you feel you need to fix).

You need to find a man who loves you for who you are and the way you are. Not one that requires you to change and who cannot love and commit to you 100%.

Of course, this brings up the question of why you love yourself so little that you feel you need to be with a man who isn’t committed and has actively distanced himself from you. See, the reasons why he walked away and turned his back don’t matter. What matters is that he did; and none of his behaviors may actually have anything to do with you. The simple answer is that he is not the right one and not the proper fit for you. So while you are spending all your time and energy on getting his approval and his non-committed butt back, you are missing out on the person who might be the right one for you. In order to attract the right partner, you will have to create space in your life and heart, so the universe can actually bring that person in.

Above all, though, Lucy, you must learn to love yourself first. A person who cannot love themselves generally cannot love another. If you doubt yourself and don’t believe in yourself, you will project that into the world, and hence, attract it in others.

“Keep your partner happy by being happy yourself.” – Blythe ext. 5339

Keep doing your therapy, and whatever else you deem fit to help you get over your broken heart. There are so many ways to heal oneself from toxic behavioral patterns and low self-esteem, like yoga, meditation, working out; evening classes in whatever hobby you always wanted to take up, reading, etc. Let him go and start focusing on you. He does not matter, you, however, do. Trust me, the world can become brighter and we can overcome even the biggest heartache. He, my friend, is not worth it, no matter how much you may want to justify keeping him in your life.

Take care of yourself and know that nothing is ever as bleak as it appears.

“You must first decide that you are worthy of love and that your value to be loved is not determined by someone else but yourself.” – William ext. 5131

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9 thoughts on “Speak Up: Can You Be Friends With Your Ex?

  1. Tracy

    Some people might be able to have a civil relationship with their ex, but I personally could not get along with my ex-husband. I tried to be civil with him after we separated, for our son’s sake. My ex-husband was very abusive and was a control freak. I guess, after all the abuse i suffered, I was too bitter to maintain a civil relationship with him. He cheated on me with several women and then beat me and blamed me for cheating on him. After being abused for three years, I finally had the courage to leave. Like I said earlier, I tried to be civil but we couldn’t get along. We argued every time he came around to see our son. We ended up in a custody battle, but when the court date came, he took off with our son and no one would help me because neither one of us had legal custody of him yet and he went to a non-common state, so the laws were different from where we were living. They even said that if I went to get him they would get me for kidnapping. I lost my first born son, and that devastated me. My point is, if you can’t respect one another, or if you have unresolved issues with each other, then you probably won’t be able to maintain a civil relationship with that person. I am with a great man now so don’t feel bad

  2. judy

    you can be friends with your ex if you have no desire to ever have sexual relations with him. Ask your self this, how is it going to feel when he tells you he met some one he is having great sex with? Do you miss the sex with him? then you are screwed…… you can only be friends with a man if he and you have no sexual chemistry. this is my story.

  3. Marc from the UK

    I think Victoria wrote a lovely article here, I would say to Jean Rumble please don’t judge all men by your experiences to date, to prevent reoccurences I suggest look at your behaviour and see if you can recognise traits or familier behaviours that allow negatives in, and of course start to love yourself and you will find the universe will deliver your wants and desires if you focus on it 🙂 There is always someone out there for you if you try to focusn on what you want, not what you dont want!

  4. Josie Behnke

    I disagree…you can be friends with an ex BUT some steps are to be taken. No talking or interacting for a good long time. With each that I am friends with we went completely seperalte ways for a few years. Two if a friendship does form later, that is what it is, nothing more or less. Now it’s not easy. In my case I remained friends with my last ex due to the fact we had two kids together and it has helped out a lot.

  5. Jean Rumble

    Good advice Lucy. Heed it. I was very unhappy in my marriage but my husband did not care that the way he treated me made me unhappy and I felt so worthless, I was pushed aside for others. He made promises and never kept one of them. I was so low, depressed and on anti depressants, counselling. None of which worked. I contemplated suicide. A friend talked to me and I suddenly realised that he had never committed to me or our marriage. I was just a housekeeper who paid half of the bills and looked after his family (he had been married before) I now know why she walked out on him and the children. He played mind games and got inside your head. I am now on my own and I am happy. I have also made some new friends and I am never lonely. Take up pilates Lucy great fun and healthy. Live life we only have one. We do not get a trial run. I will never trust another man.

  6. Marc from the UK

    Good article, I am separated from my wife of 20 years, I we do have a cordial relationship, the reasons we separated are still apparent and correct, however I do still help her indirectly, financially as she is trying so hard to make a living and grow her business, this is an act of love and respect ( not in love) she gave me an amazing family and an interesting 20 years!!! so I believe in helping when I can, so yes you can remain friends but respect the boundries x

  7. victoria

    I’ve been there and done that myself. And this is an experience that happened recently. I was contacted by my first boyfriend of 30 years ago.

    Things were good in the beginning. This led me to believe he had changed and matured since we were last together. But once we started dating again, those old behaviors came back to the surface eventually. And I realized that even though he had come a long way professionally and materially, he in some ways had still not grown up all that much.

    What he didn’t count on, was that I had changed and matured in the meantime. I was not the old person anymore who would have tried to change whatever I thought was wrong, in order to get him back. But I realized this time that he’s the one whose not worthy of me. And with that mindset and positive force in my life, I eventually did attract someone who is a better fit for me in every way. That was 4 1/2 months ago. And we have become even closer in that amount of time. This encourages me, because it showed me that I did make the right decision.

    I wish you the best of luck. You deserve every happiness, with the right person to share it with.


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